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Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

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Original poster

What to do when even cry it out doesnt work?

42 replies

COL1N · 10/08/2022 20:16

I have tried everything with my 2.5 yo DD but she just will not go to sleep in the evening. Every single night is 2 hours of putting her to bed & Im so sick of it. For the past 2-3 weeks I have reluctantly being letting her cry at the top of the stairs, & even that is not working. What do I do?!

OP posts:

chubbachub · 10/08/2022 20:51

chubbachub · 10/08/2022 20:49

Research wake windows, nap time suggestions for her hair, give her plenty of protein to keep her full during the day and more exercise than you can even imagine and just hope for the best.

Or you accept the current shituation and hope for the best.

I genuinely think kids sense our stress so if you start tensing up and bracing for a rough night around bedtime she is going to notice and wonder why the atmosphere is tense when you are her safe place and of course she will be unsettled. Make sure you are relaxed and not getting frustrated with her.

At this age it's hard because if you do CIO or CC they are more verbal and it tugs at the heart strings.

Do you have a partner who can do the bedtime routine for a few days and stick to the CIO for 3 days and see what comes of it? She might realise she's getting nowhere and finally just sleep.

Does she have everything she needs with her for nighttime? Dummy, fave cuddly toy, blanket? Is she comfortable? Room temp
Ok?

All the best of luck OP.

I'll be honest - I have no idea what suggestions for her hair was supposed to be. My apologies. I am also sleep deprived.

AliceW89 · 10/08/2022 20:51

I think the issue is the majority of 2.5 year olds don’t have the maturity to be in a bed as opposed to a cot. Some cope, a lot don’t. Especially as 2.5 is prime age for doing the exact opposite of you want them to do, in order to feel control. Cots give toddlers physical security and removes any idea of there being a ‘choice’ over bedtime.

Im assuming she’s in a bed because she climbed out the cot? If so, I think it’ll just be a case of riding it out until she has the maturity to go to bed and stay there. Stop all naps if not already done so and make sure she is getting loads of mental and physical stimulation. But really there isn’t much else you can do, other than what you are already doing.

Cantanka · 10/08/2022 20:51

As PP said, some children don’t need much sleep. If you want an earlier bedtime I think you’ll need to wake her up in the morning earlier than 7:30 sadly

Original poster

COL1N · 10/08/2022 20:52

Thankyou all so much for all the suggestions! Just feel like Ive tried everything & just want her to go to sleep!

OP posts:

Reluctantadult · 10/08/2022 20:52

If this has been going on a while, I'd think she's overtired and run up a sleep debt. Really i would be taking her to bed earlier, to allow for time for her to fall asleep by 8. Having a sleep debt can lead to fighting sleep at bedtime. And then just stay with her until she falls asleep at first. Then work towards being around and about upstairs, popping in to check on her. Then wean off that. So do it gradually.

TwittleBee · 10/08/2022 20:53

We had this with our DS1. I thought "fuck it" as CIO and other methods suggested by well meaning family members just weren't working (and tbh felt cruel), and decided to stay by his side. I soon realised its connection he craves at bed time. I thought he saw it as a game, was winding me up etc but when I stopped rushing bed time, took it slow and cherished those long bed time talks, slow tickles and hugs he became more secure and the time it took to go to bed shortened. He also started to sleep through.

Best of luck OP.

Hugasauras · 10/08/2022 20:54

I think bedtime has probably become quite fraught now so you need a reset. Find a way to reinvent it a bit like a fresh slate, and aim for as little stress as possible as once crying starts then it derails everything!

What we do is the usual bath, PJs, then we get into bed together (granted DD has a double so this part is more comfy!) and read a couple of stories while she cuddles in, we might sing a song or two together, then light off and we cuddle and chat a little and she then drifts off and I extricate myself and get back up.

We very rarely have any tears or stress at bedtime and it's a nice way to reconnect at the end of the day. It will probably be a novelty at first, but if the leaving is the problem then I don't think that's massively unusual. DD wouldn't like to be put to bed and then left while awake, she would be up and down like a yo-yo, but she'll go to sleep easily and quickly if one of us stays.

Whatagrapefruit156 · 10/08/2022 20:55

Would she fall asleep if you cuddled up watching a film together?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/08/2022 20:58

Yes I can sit up there with her but then she is climbing on me, trying to cuddle or play with me. She wont lay down

We used to get this. Lying with a firm arm across them usually stops this < bitter experience>

Socathe · 10/08/2022 21:05

We've recently had some sleep issues with our just turned 3 year old, he's been a good sleeper since 6 months old but suddenly started waking in the night and ignoring his gro clock which we've had for a few months and was working like a charm for his early rising.

Initially I think he was genuinely scared after a nightmare but because we got in bed with him after a couple of weeks it just became a habit and he wanted us in his bed for him to fall asleep at bedtime and again if he woke up in the night. For us it wasn't sustainable and we did the rapid return method, which is where whenever they get out of bed you return them to bed as quickly as possible. He would get a bit upset but I would say 'I'm here for you if you need me, we are in the house with you', put him back to bed and leave the room. After 5 times putting him back to bed over a few mins he got the idea and went to sleep without us being in the room for the first time in three weeks. His sleep has been much better since and I've been doing the rapid return whenever we have a slight bump. He does respond very well to sleep training though (sleep trained him at 6 months as he was waking every 30 mins throughout the night having been rocked to sleep since birth and only took a night or two to get it and sleep through). He does love his sleep though so we're lucky we have a foundation of good sleep.

Has your little one been a bad sleeper like this since young? How long has it been going on for? As I think this will impact how long it will take the habit to break.

EveSix · 10/08/2022 21:06

TwittleBee, I think you're spot on.
Make DD's bedside as cosy as you can for you and surrender to the long game. If need be, replace the toddler bed with a low single and snuggle down with her. I'm so glad I did this with my similar sounding DD1 and subsequently DD2.

Socathe · 10/08/2022 21:07

For info, we didn't mind at all staying with him while he fell asleep at bedtime especially as it would only take a few mins. Quite liked it actually. But unfortunately he was then expecting the same when he stirred in the night two to three times a night. Bed sharing just isn't for us - I don't cope well with bad sleep and when I'm sleep deprived I'm a bad mum!

WTF475878237NC · 10/08/2022 21:08

Almost all the parents I have ever known have had to get into bed and stay there until toddlers are asleep or at least lie on the floor and pretend to sleep for a good hour or more! For some it took until they were four or five to be able to stop this and my nephew was seven.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 10/08/2022 21:08

Empty her bedroom of all books, toys, teddies etc. Only give her what she usually sleeps with e.g. comfort item, duvet, pillow and one book. Remove the temptation of being interested in other things. Take her to bed later and have her cereal and milk upstairs, in her bedroom. While she eats talk about your day, plans for tomorrow etc. Tell her you're going to read her a book before you do it

Give her the feeling of having more control so choosing her book, being aware of what you're doing etc.

Socathe · 10/08/2022 21:10

Another thing that helped is, when we decided we weren't going to get in his bed or sit with him while he fell asleep anymore, throughout the day before I really prepped him for it. Explained several times throughout the day that I would say good night at bedtime and then leave the room. I think it really went in as we didn't get much kickback at all.

sheepandcaravan · 10/08/2022 21:20

Hmm

Bad sleeper here, we made it grown up.

Bath, back to living room, pyjamas and play. Then milk, play, bed. Then Ferber minutes sort of.
.
Lots of fuss, night night, then back to bed, two minutes, three minutes, so on.

Two nights she now goes down. Sometimes appears in night but that doesn't worry me.

ChorserSaucer · 10/08/2022 22:22

I also saw somewhere (possibly here or on IG) using roll play during the day to play bedtime with their teddies / dolls so the child knew what was involved. The mum was pretending to be the teddy saying things like “I don’t want to go to bed” and to her surprise the daughter was replying with things she had heard her mum say such as “night night darling I’ll be here if you need me@ etc. They made a habit of tucking a dolly / teddy in to bed first before the daughters bed time and had some success that way.

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