My daughter screams herself to sleep every night and for every nap.

[numberthirtytwowindsorgardens]

She's always been a bad sleeper. A couple of months ago, she started occasionally to not settle after feeding to sleep, but if DH came in and sat with her, she'd grumble a bit and then go down. Recently, this has escalated: it doesn't matter how long I feed her for, she screams the second I unlatch her.

If I cuddle her, she screams. If I put her in the cot, she screams. Walking, cuddling, etc. doesn't work. So for the last couple of days, every single nap and every single bedtime has been her crying herself to sleep, because otherwise she just wouldn't go down.

I can't bear it. What am I doing wrong? How do I get her to sleep without crying?

Bump? I thought I'd at least get people telling me I was a shit mum and damaging her irreparably.

I don't mind (much) if you do, if it comes with some advice?

What age is she?
Would she take a dummy?

Pick up until she stops and then put down again and repeat x 374747273744 times. That’s what I did with my two now aged 10 and 18. There really isn’t a magic formula. I just couldn’t listen to them cry so that’s what I did. And dummies!

They just want to sleep on you. Have you tried a sling?
Safe co-sleeping in bed with you and only you could also help.
I never unlatched, just fed to sleep, it could take ages and I played Candy Crush while I waited.

Sling? Bouncing? Rocking? Car?

Oh, I'm sorry, age is the obvious thing missing. She's seven months.

She won't sleep in a sling or in the bed with me anymore. She used to do those when she was younger, but seems to have grown out of them like feeding to sleep. She does sleep in the car, but only for 30m, and that doesn't help with the night sleep!

This is what I've been doing, but I'm afraid it's distressing her more - being picked up knowing I'm going to put her down again. And once she's upset, she doesn't want to be cuddled - she kicks and arches nd won't be comforted until I give up on the nap (at which point she goes back to crying because she's tired 😭)

Thank you all for the ideas - I really do appreciate them all!

Is she happy/ calm when awake?

It sounds as though she has a food intolerance tbh - likely to something you're eating if she's breastfeeding and not having a great deal of solid food yet, and becoming distressed immediately after feeding (continuing to feed sooths reflux or digestive discomfort but you can't feed 24/7!)

Cows milk protein or lactose and wheat/ gluten are the most obvious culprits, but it can also be things like onions and tomatoes.

Try excluding things one from your diet if breastfeeding at a time or talk to a health visitor or doctor.

I have wondered about this, but she's never shown any sign of it before. It feels much more like she just finds it harder to go to sleep now she's older but hasn't yet figured out how to do it alone.

She is generally really cheerful and alert. She's never slept as much as she 'should'; at the moment she's averaging about an hour and a half across two naps across the day. I know that's not enough, but I've never been able to get her to do longer!

Bumping hopefully for the post bedtime crew and any words of wisdom.

Is she still settling for DH?
Have you started weaning?

It depends how long you're having to leave her cry for. Mine decided at about the same age that he didn't want to be held and writhed around to be put down. But would then scream and scream. It was awful as like you (and every other mum) I couldn't bear hearing him so upset. But I slowly realised that this was his just method of going to sleep - like he had to let it all out or something before giving in to sleep. I would make sure he'd had food, was dry etc and if teething or showing signs of a cold give him some Calpol and the I used to have a time limit on it, any more than about ten mins then I'd go in and give another cuddle, or at least try to as he tried to wriggle out to get back in his cot, but up to that I'd just have to leave him to it!
He's around 18 months now and still occasionally has a bit of a scream before sleeping.

I was told sometimes babies need to get something out of their system before they can sleep, and as they can only express themselves through screaming, that's what they do. I just stayed with mine, stayed calm, didn't pick them up and waited it out. I noticed it was worse if we hadn't done much/done too much during the day.

At the moment, I feed her, put her down, she starts howling, DH comes in and takes over (so she knows there's no more milk). Often she settles pretty quickly for him - within 5-10 minutes. But I'm home alone with her tomorrow and feel absolutely sick at the thought of her howling because I won't pick her up.

Yes, she's weaning and loving it. She's been grabbing food out of our hands since 3m, so she was delighted when we started letting her have some!

Have you tried shush pat?

otherwise, just get some earplugs.

As this is recent and coinciding with weaning/solid food I think a food diary might be useful. She could have a dairy intolerance or something so is screaming due to a tummy ache or acid reflux. So a food diary would be good long term to find out if she is reacting to certain foods or types of foods.

Putting her down on a slight incline might help in the immediate term. You can buy a wedge that you put under the cot mattress and this elevates their heads and stops acid reflux from going up their throats and hurting.

Things my family have intolerances to: corn, bananas, citrus, dairy, wheat

Bear in mind, crying is basically the only way babies have to communicate. So they might just be saying 'but I don't want to go to sleep!!' Which is fair and also nothing you can do anything about.

Try putting them to bed a little earlier in case it's overtiredness, but otherwise, please don't feel bad. You aren't doing anything wrong. Some babies just like to fight sleep.

Mine loathed any kind of pick up put down or patting scenario. They didn't understand why I was there but not getting them out of the cot. It was much better and less distressing for them for me to just leave. They might cry for a bit. But not long, and if they did keep it up i knew something more might be bothering them and could go back and think about teething etc.

Thank you all for such kind messages. I was expecting to be told I was a shit, callous mum who's damaging her baby. (Still a bit worried that may be true, tbh.)

i think the thing that is worrying me is that it seems to be getting worse. I would have thought that if crying herself to sleep was teaching her to self settle, she would go to sleep more easily, or at leastsettle with cuddles or feeding, but that doesn't seem to be happening. What if it keeps getting worse and she just keeps getting more distressed? DH says shes just cross because she's not getting her own way, but how can you know that? What if she's genuinely scared and I'm breaking her trust in me?

If she was scared she wouldn't let you feed her

Babies love consistency. Instead of picking her up, wait two mins (this is how long it takes me to heat a bottle which sadly if I’m in my own I’d have to leave her to cry for) go in (no lights on), hand on chest, say your phrase, any phrase just make sure you and DH use it every single time I. “Sleepytime we love you” or whatever, then leave. Do this every single time, wait two mins and back in. Should be in the room no more than 10 seconds. Don’t increase the time. Stick with two minutes if you can bare it, if not go less, but use the same wait time so she knows what’s happening.

does she have a comforter? 7 months is a good are to introduce one.

@PatientlyWaiting21 , thank you so much for this. I decided I would try it this morning, so I set my timer, waited outside, and ... she was asleep before the first two minute timer was up. I cannot tell you how relieved and grateful (and shocked!) I am.

I know that's no guarantee that she will do the same again later, but it's a start!

Thank you all so much for all the kind advice

When you eat and lay down is when reflux hurts a baby. I suggest you start there. If it is its probably an intolerance. Babies don't scream for no reason it will be pain somewhere.

Amazing!! Stick with it, and you can always come back here for a hand hold when it’s tough. Usually always just a phase. Sometimes they are just annoyed at being put down!

if after say 15/20 minutes, and no sleep, I get them up and try again in another 30 minutes.

My sons sleep went to shit around that age. We had a weekend away plus weaning plus starting to crawl. Lived with it for a while but it was getting worse and worse. He'd be standing in the cot crying for ages. Caved and bought a sleepyhead. The big one for 9-36 months. Slept through the night instantly and wouldn't get up as soon as I lay him down. Think he was just well snuggled in. I know they come with their warnings but it honestly felt like the right thing for us. He slept in it every night from 8m to 15m. Only stopped cos we were going on holiday and it's enormous and we couldn't bring it. He has slept fine without it since then. If you happen to be in Scotland then I'm selling ours!