Stopping rocking to sleep without crying?

[AriasMummy]

Just looking for some advice, I'm a FTM and DD is 4 months (only just- 4 months and a couple of days).

Since newborn we used my birthing ball to calm her and send her to sleep- she had a tongue tie and would often scream trying to latch so we had to bounce to calm her and then try again.

Around 2 months old she started fighting sleep- she HATES being cradled unless on the ball and will fight and scream. Being upright on your shoulder seems to calm her but she won't dose off like that.
Fast forward to 3 months old and the ball got a puncture and was put in the bin- so me and my partner were stuck rocking up and down with her to simulate the ball! It would work eventually but not without protest.

However now that doesn't even work, trying to get her to dose off is a battle, I will cuddle and bounce and rock her and she will eventually dose off but not without screaming and thrashing (I find it quite embarrassing when I'm in public and can't comfort my own baby :( )
She's also a baby that doses off and then wakes up and cries soon as you lay her down so I have to hold her for naps a lot in the day, mostly because I don't have it in me to go through the whole screaming ordeal again if she wakes.

So obviously because of all this both bouncing and rocking she doesn't go through the night, she's up between 2 and 5 times still and unless she falls asleep feeding she needs to be rocked back off.

I never wanted to sleep train because 'cry it out' just seems barbaric to me but also I really would like to teach her to sleep independently so I'm not rocking her (whilst she's screaming) until she's 2.

So I've been attempting to shush pat her to sleep in her crib and the pick up put down method but she just lays there happily awake until she's tired and then cries even when I'm there stroking her head and patting her ect and if I dont pick her up she gets overwhelmed and screams but if I then pick her up and try to cradle her it actually makes her worse so I end up having to sway with her on my shoulder (nearly in tears myself at this point) and every time I attempt to lay her down again the screaming starts. So I end up having to rock her off anyway because I've been at it for over an hour and she gets so overtired I feel guilty.

So basically I'm at a loss. I dread bedtime, I dread naptime, I dread it every time I see tired cues because I know my choices are try and lay her down in her crib and listen to her scream or rock her to sleep while she screams and have her never learn to sleep independently.

I know this is a long read but I'd appreciate it if anyone's got any advice, has had any luck with gentle sleep training or even a similar baby

I remember feeling similar when my first son was a baby - he fed or was rocked to sleep every time and I worried he’d never grow out of it. However, they do change and want to be independent eventually - I highly doubt you’ll be rocking a screaming 2 year old to sleep!

4 months (and 5 months) is really tough. They’re learning so many new skills at once that they get a bit wired and overtired really easily. No one in public who has had their own kids is judging you rocking a screaming baby - everyone’s been there. They just see a mother looking after her child.

Its so hard when they’re crying and fighting sleep because it feels like a criticism of you, doesn’t it? But it’s not that at all, sometimes they need a cry to let go of some tension or stress before sleeping - a bit like adults journaling to relax before bed. However if she’s really wound up and hysterical, we had great success using Imogen Heap’s The Happy Song - she wrote it to calm down babies and it really works. So we often had to play that on repeat to my son to get him to be calm enough to drift off.

In terms of advice to stop rocking, I didn’t change any sleep habits til my son was about 7 months when we did the Lucy Wolfe stay and support method which worked well, but 4 months is too young for that. However my 10 week old mostly feeds to sleep but if she doesn’t, she doesn’t really like being cuddled on my chest and rocked - she prefers lying on my lap on her front and having her bottom jiggled slightly so that she moves a bit like a vibrating chair or pram would wiggle her slightly. I’ve also done it lying next to her in bed with her on her side, and move her onto her back once she’s asleep. Both mine have woken up as soon as they’ve been put down in the daytime too, but tolerate being moved from front/side to back if I’m still holding them/lying next to them.

Sorry if that’s a bit jumbled, but I hope it helps a little.

Hi. My baby started doing the same thing when she turned 3 months. She started to fight her sleep and didn’t want to be rocked. What seemed to calm her down was baby wearing and white noise in the background. This past week i have tried to stop rocking her and just put her next to me in bed and she falls asleep. During the day we do some contact naps with her next to me in bed and then at night what I’ve been doing is our bed time routine. Last nap, feed, play a little, bath, feed, a few kisses and in her crib. I have been staying next to her crib in case her paci falls out i just put it back & she has been dozing off by herself. I’m actually relieved. Hope this helps

Contrary to most people on mumsnet I think it is reasonable that at 4 months old you're willing to teach independent sleep to your baby when you are in a position where rocking is very complicated and not sustainable for you to be a happy and relaxed mum. Your back is probably already aching and while yes everything is a phase it can be a very long one and the thought of having to carry on like this for several months is probably not something you can envisage. I have been there with my first, different circumstances but basically the whole falling asleep thing was such an ordeal it made me miserable, ruined my life and made bonding with my baby harder: she terrified me!

I would recommend to ignore people telling you that she is too young and to get in touch with a sleep consultant who will help you, guide you without you having to second guess yourself, and the situation will improve dramatically. They are very knowledgeable and know what is realistic for babies according to their age (how many feeds in the nights etc). It will be the best money you have spent. You can DM me if you'd like a recommendation.

Best of luck

Op I remember this so well. Like it was yesterday. I couldn’t get my baby to sleep otherwise so I just carried on. Sling helped in the day - I gave up trying to put baby down and just let them dose off in the sling while I walked. Often had to dance/rock to sleep in the sling.

We co slept following all the safety guidance out of desperation. I’m not recommending this but it worked for us. In the end mine just grew out of it.

Fast forward to age 3 and I had a brilliant sleeper happy in their own bed, so it isn’t true that rocking them ruins their sleep longer term!

Sending you some as I remember the tiredness

I’m in the same position as you OP. We have cracked and are trying the gradual retreat method. Yes it’s horrible for a few days but we were already having an unbelievably awful time and baby was crying so much already anyway, while we attempted to rock/jiggle/Pat etc, so this doesn’t seem much worse tbh! We’re already seeing massive improvement a few days in.

the method is where you put them down and then sit with them and comfort with words/singing while they cry. Every 3-5 mins you touch them in whatever way works (rubbing head for us). But never pick them up.

after a couple of days, you move a bit away from the cot and only touch every 5-7 mins, then a couple of days later you sit at the door of the bedroom and only touch every 8-10 mins.

we only do this for the nights and the crying so far has been 45 mins, 30 mins, 20 mins. So hopefully it is working! Thankfully my husband has taken the lion’s share to give me a break. For daytime we do pram or sling but will work on cot once we have nights sorted.

good luck, it’s horrendous, isn’t it!