what is going on with my baby?? losing my mind with sleep deprivation…

lavenderlilaclily · 2022-06-29T00:55:30+00:00

Baby is 5mo. He’s never been an amazing sleeper, but it’s been bearable. It was a classic thing of his sleep started to get slightly better, then the 4mo sleep regression hit us hard, etc. The past few weeks we were finally starting to see the other end of the sleep regression - some longer stretches of sleep (4, even 5 hrs), less wake ups, being able to sooth him in his crib with dummy/shushing/patting/stroking rather than needing to feed to sleep every time, etc. The past week everything has gone up in the air and baby is worse than he has ever been. At night he is waking constantly. Pretty much every hour, sometimes less. Will only settle on the boob - nothing else works. He used to take a dummy, which was a good soothing tool for him. He has point blank stopped taking his dummy. It started last Wednesday - he just started spitting it out immediately. It’s turned into rage at it, if I try to give him one he screams and arches his back. But he struggles to calm down enough to fall asleep without it, especially when out in the pram etc. He will only use my boob as a dummy which is exhausting and not always possible. He used to nap okay, as long as I made sure to put him down fairly regularly and within his wake windows. He would take at least one nap in his bed and the rest would be in his pram, sometimes sling, rarely car seat but he slept very well in the car seat. He now fights naps with every fibre of his being. I’m afraid of taking him out in the pram as for the past week it just escalates into him screaming. He screamed in the car too, which is unlike him. the only way to nap has become contact naps through feeding to sleep. But he wakes from these quickly so I don’t think they’re very restorative, and if I try to put him down he wakes immediately and cries (again, this didn’t used to be the case - I could pretty confidently feed to sleep and put him down). What is doing on?!? How do I fix this?? I am going insane - I’m getting no sleep at night, no time in the day. His not taking a dummy suddenly is a real blow as I feel like I’ve lost my one “magic trick” for at least some soothing. My boobs hurt from him being on them all the time and I’m exhausted and angry. I feel like I am parenting wrong and my baby hates me.

Marty13 · 29/06/2022 02:42

It's a difficult phase.

What do you do when he wakes up at night ? Do you rush to him or let him cry for a bit ? I'd let him go at it for a few minutes, go and settle (avoid picking him up if you can) for five minutes, then leave (even if he isn't settled) and let him cry for a bit before going back.

The idea is for him to have time to self-soothe, and to learn that you aren't at his beck and call, while reassuring him that you are there.

When I got too tired I did this without even trying simply because he really had to work at it to wake me up !

Also take turns with partner, baby doesn't need to eat every hour at 5 months. He'll resist this - obviously - as I'm sure it's nice to get the boob on demand but it's just not sustainable for you.

bakewellbride · 29/06/2022 03:06

I disagree entirely with the above and don't think babies should ever be left to cry.

I'd pick up straight away and cuddle / offer a feed at every wake up. Sorry to hear you're having a shit time of things.

Original poster

lavenderlilaclily · 29/06/2022 07:13

I don’t leave him to cry. If he’s not crying and just fussing I might wait a minute but it always escalates into crying and then I pick him up. Cry it out isn’t really an option for me but even if it was, he’s too young for it anyway.

i don’t understand what’s going on though - I don’t think it’s the sleep regression as we already had that. Is it teething?! I thought that would last less time though?

Also if anyone has any advice about the sudden dummy refusal…

OP posts:

Lazypuppy · 29/06/2022 07:22

I would stop offering feeds during the night, especially if he has now refused the dummy. Can your DP/DH do the night wake ups for a bit with a bottle to try and break the cycle?

For me personally, i couldn't cope with that so i would stop breastfeeding, and is what i did when my DD was 6months old, as i couldn't deal with her using me like that for comfort, for me breastfeeding was just for food, cuddles and dummy etc were the comfort. I know this isn't for everyone though, just saying personally.

Is baby in their own room?

Original poster

lavenderlilaclily · 29/06/2022 07:26

I only got about 2 hours sleep total last night, and that’s because my partner eventually took him into the other room.
he settles well for my partner if I’m not there - in fact, on Saturday I had to leave them for the night (left lots of expressed milk). I was anxious as he’d been such a nightmare with sleep. But he took all his naps, and apparently, while he took a while to go down , he slept from 8.30-7.30 waking only once for a bottle. He’s NEVER woken just once before. My husband was fresh as a daisy. So why won’t he sleep when I’m there??? I honestly think my child hates me

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Lazypuppy · 29/06/2022 07:29

Because he can smell you and your milk. It shows he can sleep all night and doesn't need all the wake ups so i would go and sleep in the other room for a few days, get your DH to do all bedtime and break this cycle. All the nightimes shouldn't be falling to just you anyway

Original poster

lavenderlilaclily · 29/06/2022 10:04

@Lazypuppy it’s bizarre, we didn’t have this problem, at least not to this extent, before. I had cut down on some of the night feeds last month - I used a general rule of if he had eaten less than 2 hrs ago, I wouldnt offer a feed and would settle him with dummy, patting, stroking, etc. If he really wanted the boob the odd time I’d give it for a minute and then slip the dummy in. It worked fine and without fuss, and he started sleeping for at least 2 hr stretches, usually more. This meant about 2/3 wake ups a night which was sustainable for his age. but it’s all gone out the window in the last week - he screams unless he gets the boob now, will have absolutely none of any other settling.

it doesn’t work out well for baby either as he’s exhausted in the morning from his shit sleep!

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Original poster

lavenderlilaclily · 04/07/2022 07:22

Bumping for any more input/help…I’m losing my mind and he’s getting worse, I got 2 hrs of sleep last night. Just won’t be put down at all. Wakes immediately.

OP posts:

Ebonyhorse · 04/07/2022 07:27

Lazypuppy · 29/06/2022 07:29

Because he can smell you and your milk. It shows he can sleep all night and doesn't need all the wake ups so i would go and sleep in the other room for a few days, get your DH to do all bedtime and break this cycle. All the nightimes shouldn't be falling to just you anyway

Do this. Why are you doing all the wakings. Break the cycle.

UsernameIsCopied · 04/07/2022 07:33

I don't understand why your DH can't do all night every night if your DS slept well with him?

Original poster

lavenderlilaclily · 04/07/2022 07:38

My partner does do wakings - he sleeps by the next to me crib and tries to soothe baby in the crib (previously replace dummy, before sudden dummy refusal) or picks him up to cuddle/rock if that doesn’t cut it. But recently this has ended in tears and screams every time.
He also does the bedtime routine, sometimes including the feed from the bottle or sometimes I come in and feed. Baby will take the bottle still but while previously he’d go to bed with cuddles from his dad after, now he cries until I come in and offer a breastfeed after regardless. Realistically yes he’d probably calm down after a while but I don’t want to let him cry like that when I can offer the comfort he needs.

OP posts:

GromblesofGrimbledon · 04/07/2022 07:48

Your baby doesn't hate you he's just being driven mad wanting the milk. And he's refusing the dummy because he knows he can get the milk if you're there and that's better. Mine got himself into the same tizz at 7 months and was doing exactly the same thing. Night wakings went from every 2 hours to every hour or more. He was in a next-to-me and was going bonkers for the boobs.

Moving him to his own room at 8 months helped and we got back to every two hours again. I was still exhausted and one night when I simply couldn't do it anymore my partner went through. He settled him in literally seconds. Popped his dummy back in and gave him a pat on the bum.

That was it for me. He was ready. I handed all night wakings over to my partner gradually. He went in once the first night, twice the second, and so on. He offered only water in a sippy cup, dummy and cuddles. In a few days I wasn't going in at all. It took one week of him going in instead of me and now my son sleeps through the night. Sometimes there was crying but never for more than ten minutes absolute maximum and I knew he was ok as he was with his dad who was learning his own ways to comfort him.

If your partner is able to settle him then he needs to be the one going in or you at least need to have a fair split of the responsibility. It's better for your baby to get good uninterrupted sleep too.

At 5 months he's too young to remove the milk but that's your next step when you feel he's ready. It was such a shock to me to see how my son settled so well without me and doesn't need the milk at night. He's a happier baby in the day now that he sleeps 10-12 hours straight at night.

It was 8 months for us, it might be the earlier for you or it might be later. But in the meantime his dad can take his share with a bottle of breast milk or formula. Don't be a martyr like I was. I get why, I was stuck in the habit that he would only settle for me like he did as a newborn. But those days are long gone now and I'm so glad the burden isn't all on me anymore!

PixellatedPixie · 04/07/2022 07:53

I feel for you! After three months of very little sleep with my first baby, a friend had given me a book about co-sleeping and how many babies are instinctively primed to not be abandoned by making sure they are always next to their mothers. After all we are a type of ape and you will observe in other apes that the babies are never put down. My first went from waking every few hours to sleeping right through with periods of lying down breastfeeding. It was the best thing I ever did. You do have to know what you are doing and make the sleeping arrangement safe for the baby, never take any medication that could make you drowsy etc

UsernameIsCopied · 04/07/2022 07:54

GromblesofGrimbledon · 04/07/2022 07:48

Your baby doesn't hate you he's just being driven mad wanting the milk. And he's refusing the dummy because he knows he can get the milk if you're there and that's better. Mine got himself into the same tizz at 7 months and was doing exactly the same thing. Night wakings went from every 2 hours to every hour or more. He was in a next-to-me and was going bonkers for the boobs.

Moving him to his own room at 8 months helped and we got back to every two hours again. I was still exhausted and one night when I simply couldn't do it anymore my partner went through. He settled him in literally seconds. Popped his dummy back in and gave him a pat on the bum.

That was it for me. He was ready. I handed all night wakings over to my partner gradually. He went in once the first night, twice the second, and so on. He offered only water in a sippy cup, dummy and cuddles. In a few days I wasn't going in at all. It took one week of him going in instead of me and now my son sleeps through the night. Sometimes there was crying but never for more than ten minutes absolute maximum and I knew he was ok as he was with his dad who was learning his own ways to comfort him.

If your partner is able to settle him then he needs to be the one going in or you at least need to have a fair split of the responsibility. It's better for your baby to get good uninterrupted sleep too.

At 5 months he's too young to remove the milk but that's your next step when you feel he's ready. It was such a shock to me to see how my son settled so well without me and doesn't need the milk at night. He's a happier baby in the day now that he sleeps 10-12 hours straight at night.

It was 8 months for us, it might be the earlier for you or it might be later. But in the meantime his dad can take his share with a bottle of breast milk or formula. Don't be a martyr like I was. I get why, I was stuck in the habit that he would only settle for me like he did as a newborn. But those days are long gone now and I'm so glad the burden isn't all on me anymore!

Excellent post, that's exactly my experience as well.