Anxiety over naps and sleep is ruining everything

[Serp]

Has anybody else had crippling anxiety over their child's sleep? My dd is 21 months and sleep has always been awful. I'm the only one who has ever attended to her at night and am utterly depressed and sleep deprived. I am completely obsessive over naps - how she naps, where she naps and how long. Every nap has to be in her cot, as she consistently does a good 2.5 hours as this is the only time I get a solid block of sleep too. I spend all morning terrified to leave the house incase she falls asleep on the journey to or from wherever we go. We recently had a wedding over nap time and I didn't sleep for weeks, panicking about what would happen with the nap. My heart was constantly racing and I couldn't think or talk about anything else for weeks. A family member has asked (demanded) to take my daughter one late morning this week and once again I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights because I'm so worried of her falling asleep in the pram and the rest of the day/night being hell. My mind goes into over drive thinking about all the worst case scenarios, even as far as me crashing the car because I'm so tired because we didn't get a proper nap/sleep. I'm a nightmare to be and around I know I sound irrational but this isn't even t half of it. I get so down, cry and can't drag myself up if a nap is ever missed, or is cut short, what the hell is wrong with me and when will this stop? I feel like we are both missing out on so much because of it. Can any one else relate? 😩

What’s her sleep like at night for you to be so worked up? My first thought was that’s a long nap so nighttime’s must be awful.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers night times have actually improved int he past few months. One or two wake ups and about 10-11 hours in total. Before then she was waking every 2-3 hours until I done sleep training. I did wonder if the nap length was too long to be honest.

OP, my DC were not napping at all at that age, other than very occasionally. I used to put them in their cots for an hour or so after lunch, but they mostly just chuntered away to themselves. It was mainly to give me an hour's break (and to give them the opportunity to sleep). My fear was rather the reverse of yours - if they slept during the day, nights were more difficult.

What time does DD go to bed in the evening? Have you thought of turning it on its head and ditching the daytime nap, and making bedtime a bit earlier (assuming she's not already going to bed at 6) to see what happens?

I had various anxieties about my DC when they were small (mostly involving catastrophising) so I do sympathise. It sounds as if your anxious feelings have fixated on sleep; would it be worth consulting your GP? This level of anxiety is debilitating, and it is often not directly related to the particular thing to which it has attached itself.

I thik you need help with your own mental health because your post sounds very unhealthy. What would happen if she went to a cildminder or creche - it would then bre their routine. You will face many challenges being a parent, most of them far beyond your control.

Yeh near 2 year olds need 11-14hrs sleep in a 24 hr period. Some need more than others, some days need more than others. I honestly wouldn’t worry if she nods off earlier in the day, my only rule is don’t sleep after 3pm.
you sound like you just need more rest and maybe some time alone to decompress, stop obsessing about the nap. Can you have help with the night wakes, what happens when she wakes?

Hi, I have felt similar to you at times with my first. It's easy to say you it's actually very hard to control everything and going with the flow a bit more will make you feel better. Does your child go to nursery? That's quite good for forcing you to relinquish control. My children often slept better after nursery regardless of how different their routine was.

Both mine stopped napping at 18 months. 2.5 hr nap at that age seems very long to me.

Yeah your nap is too long, cap at 1hr.

But apart from that, your anxiety is the real problem here, you're having a very disproportionate reaction and I really think you could benefit from speaking to someone and get some additional support.

So you're only having a couple of night wakings and she's asleep 10-11 hours total overnight but you still feel worried about your own lack of sleep? Do you not sleep at night when she sleeps? Surely you're not only getting sleep while she naps at lunchtime?

To be fair to OP, two or three wakes a night at nearly 2 is pretty dreadful. Broken sleep for years is an absolute killer - you can cope as a one off every now and then, but every single night? That's fucking awful.

My advice is you need to try to crack nighttime sleeps, and make sure you're both getting a good nights sleep.

Hopefully that'll help reduce your anxiety over the daytime naps as it won't really matter if they fall asleep in the car/buggy/not at all.

How much sleep are you getting at night? Have you tried anything so far to improve their night sleeps?

My eldest would regularly sleep 2-2.5 hours for nap until 3 and it didn't impact night time sleep, so I wouldn't necessarily assume the nap needs cutting.

I understand the obsession with sleep, and we generally prioritised naps, however it sounds like it is really affecting you if you are not sleeping as a result of worrying. What is your sleep like generally? Are you struggling with insomnia?

Do you have a partner? Is your DD resistant to them in the night? Ideally you want to share the load, so you can have at least 1-2 unbroken nights sleep a week, ideally every other night.

Oh @Serp! I couldn't read this and not reply, every single word you have written struck a cord with me, this was me last year. By little boy is 17months now, but my god the anxiety I had over his sleep between 4-8months was debilitating. I ended up not leaving my house ONCE in a whole month trying to sort out naps, and in the end was prescribed medication for the way naps and sleep made me feel. And the hideous part is, he was a good sleeper! But I became so obsessed with keeping it that way, sure that the balance was so delicate that the slightest of changes would mess it all up. I still feel that way how, I'm so very particular with it all, I wish I could relax. I don't have lots of constructive things to say, just that it all changes and you soon look back and wonder what on Earth worried you so much. It doesn't stop you worrying about the future (hello 18m sleep regression lurking in the background, already worrying about it!) but things really do change so quickly. It's hard to imagine things being different when you're in the thick of the current phase, but it does get better. Just didn't want you to feel alone in your thoughts and feelings x