13 week old won’t sleep - can’t cope anymore

[SarahDay1990]

I know I have posted about this before but my 13 wo won’t sleep…usually she has 4 naps a day she does one long nap (1.5 hours/2 hours) the other 3 are short - around 45 mins each. She feeds during the day every 3/3.5 hours or so. I try to get her to sleep within 1.5 hours/1hour45 max of being awake. She sleeps in my room which blackout blinds, white noise and love to dream swaddle. Trying to get her to nap in the carrier, pram, car etc makes no difference to her nap length. At night she goes to bed around 7.30/8 (this bedtime falls naturally as her last nap of the day ends around 6) I then dream feed at 11 (She will then normally sleep from 7.30/8-11) after the dreamfeed she may sleep a further 2 hours but then wakes every 45 mins so from 1am onwards I get no sleep. I have tried feeding her when she wakes but she hardly takes anything and surely can’t be hungry every 45 mins. I tried a dummy but it kept falling out so she would still wake after each sleep cycle anyway. What am I doing wrong? I had PND with my first child and I can feel myself slipping as the sleep deprivation is killing me. Please don’t post and say it’s normal as I can’t bear to think waking every 45mins is normal

Hello there, this sounds so very hard and so similar to my experience with my now 18 month old. I remember people complaining that their babies were waking every 2 hours and I would think how amazing a 2 hour sleep would be. I was seeing every hour of the night and would be in despair. My baby was also a bad napper (less naps than your little one and these all HAD to be in motion so I literally never rested). The only thing that saved me was sleeping in shifts with my partner and stopping breastfeeding so he could do some night bottles. He would do 9pm-3 and I would do 3-9am, so I got a chunk of sleep each night. It was hard, but it didn’t last forever, by 4 months he was sleeping slightly longer chunks. Was your baby overdue? Could they be experiencing a sleep regression a little early? Do you follow lyndsay hookway on Instagram? She really helped change my mindset when it came to sleep problems. I really hope this gets better for you, hang in there. X

Thank you so much for replying and for giving hope that by 4 months things may get easier….my LO was late and I did wonder if it was a regression but it’s been going on for 2/3 weeks. I remember when LO would take a dream feed at 11 and then sleep until 4am but it seems over the last few weeks sleep has gone to pot and I just can’t function anymore. My OH is a medic so does need sleep otherwise it could be quite dangerous for his job.

Sounds tough. Can you go to bed when she does at 7.30 and skip the dream feed and see what happens?? That’s the only way I can see that you can get a good chunk of time asleep.

Then on his days off your partner needs to take over completely for at least one of the nights (other than when you feed her) and for at least half the other night. Then you know you have a couple of nights of better sleep to look forward to.

That sounds really hard OP, you know it will change as babies change every week but that doesn't make it any easier getting through this bit! If money isn't a problem could you get a night nanny in to give you at least enough sleep to function. I assume your dh is already letting you sleep on his days off, and if he isn't you need to spell it out to him. It could be a feeding issue rather than a sleep one if very little milk is being taken, can you get advice on upping the intake? I'd a dc who woke every 2.5 hours on the clock and this was the worst out of everyone in my circle at the time, 45 mins sounds so awful for you

My ds didn't sleep through until he could roll over on his side. He hated sleeping on his back but it wasn't safe for him to sleep on his side until he could do it himself. We had a very long 5 and a half months but thankfully he sleeps through now.

My ebf DS2 never slept for longer than 45mins until weaned at 27 months. I read somewhere on here that 45 mins is a sleep cycle and that we naturally lighten our sleep to that timescale. Presumably some of these babies lighten to the point where they actually wake.
I got into a vicious cycle with mine - because he didn’t sleep and was ebf, we co-slept, which I now realise made things worse because we kept each other awake. Once weaned and in his own bed in his own room we never had another broken night.

Something is disturbing her - have you tried a different sleeping bag / swaddle?

I think that at 3 months, 4 naps (and the last one ending so late) sounds like too many. I wonder if fewer naps spaced further apart would help her distinguish more clearly between day and night?

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes DH takes over when he doesn’t have work the next day but it’s just such a miserable existence. He also does the dream feed but LO normally stirs before the dream feed and wakes me up. I also have chronic insomnia so when LO does wake I just can’t get back to sleep - just listening out for the next wake up. It’s almost as those LO can’t soothe between sleep cycles. I did wonder about feeding - I did BF but convinced myself LO was waking through hunger - but switching to formula has made no difference. Even last night LO woke constantly - but I spaced out the feeds so fed at 11pm and 3am and then tried to settle for other wakes but by 7/7.30 LO not interested in a feed which makes me think Lo isn’t waking through hunger. I also wonder if it’s too much day sleep or too little - wonder if the cat naps are restorative which leads to over tiredness….

Is she cold? When you put her down for naps don't black out the room, she needs to get used to the difference between day and night. Good luck.

She has the love to dream swaddle - she was swaddled arms down before that but kept breaking out of it…

I would consider cutting some naps, the cat naps can be all some babies need, it could be that you just have a lower sleep need baby (annoying but also it’s perks are that you don’t need to stress about getting really long naps in and lack of ruining your day)- try getting outside as much as possible for sunlight exposure? (This is also good for your insomnia) Does your baby still need winding? I found I had to keep winding for much longer than I thought, sometimes it would be a little burp stopping my baby sleeping soundly. Sorry, it’s so hard, you end up trying everything but sometimes it’s almost easier to surrender and accept that this little baby isn’t the worlds best sleeper and try and get some extra help for you, rather than fix the baby. It really does get better even if you do nothing at all. Can you get some paid help in the daytime so you can rest? Or a night nanny/sleep consultant? I was so tempted to get magic sleep fairy in to help us x

There are some swaddling techniques that make it harder for them to break free from. If you google it you should find them. I would try and swaddle her arms again. It was the only thing that got me any length of sleep with both if mine at this age. The second half if the night (the late you're struggling with) us always lighter so swaddling can really help. Good luck!

Read Gina Ford and try her routines

It's really hard, my DS was like this and though he gradually improved over time, he was 2 before he slept all the way through, I was absolutely knackered and working full time (or attempting to). I have no words of wisdom as we tried everything and eventually it just sorted itself out.

What made it easier on my mental health was just accepting it. I stopped trying to find a solution and just worked with his routine best I could, adjusting my own to make it better - went to bed earlier, or DH would deal it with from 5am so I could grab a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Once I got in a better place in my head and away from thinking how it should be, I felt a lot better. Tired, but less angsty.

That sounds like too many naps in the day - try cutting out the final nap. Routines aren't popular on here but they do work if you want to get sleep at night. I used to keep DS awake on purpose when he was that age. He did however once asleep stay asleep for the night.

seatoski

Gina is practically a swear word on here. Apparently I was just lucky mine slept. It was quite a lot of effort at first but seems to work. Hardly any crying. Babies, toddlers, children, they all like routine. Once they go to nursery they straight away go into a routine because it's good for them - but apparently it's cruel/doesn't work 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the support and that you take time to reply - nice to know there is a virtual support network out there. I think I worry so much about baby getting overtired that I try and offer naps so perhaps it is too much day sleep. I wonder if she wakes after each cycle and can’t soothe back to sleep. How do babies soothe without a dummy? In the love to dream swaddle she will suck her hands but nothing seems to help her

Those that kept their LOs awake during the day more / did you find they got grizzly/overtired and slept worse?

Hi Sarah, I'm in the depths of the 4 month regression and have just bought an arms up swaddle (currently in arms down swaddle) so see if it helps. Hopefully being delivered today. My baby doesn't take a dummy either. I tried so much! We were at 45 minute wake ups last night too. 1 x 3 hour at beginning (after an initial 45 minute wake up). I'm despairing too. My older DC also ill with chickenpox so I'm in parenting hell!

My baby has to have 4 naps because they're all 30 mins long. Sling, cot, pushchair, car. It makes no difference!

Mine never really gets overtired, I’m not sure if I believe in that to be honest! And we find if he sleeps less in the day we get a better night sleep (for example a sleep through last night, only napped for 20 mins all day, 18 months old), it varies for all babies, they are all so different. Again, have a look for lyndsey hookway on Instagram, or her book “let’s talk about your new family’s sleep”, it really really helped me so much. I’d keep trying new things but give them atleast a week to work x

Is there a need for a 4th nap? I'm afraid my DD didn't sleep for much longer than 1.5hrs at a time for a lot longer than 13 weeks but 45 minutes is a killer. The 45 mins thing is a clue though - I think their sleep cycles are that long and they cannot resettle themselves yet so if they do wake at 45 minutes, they need help to get back to sleep - which you're obviously finding. I am afraid I do not have any magic answers - my DD is 3 and still sleeps badly - but it will pass at some point. Personally, I would try and remove a nap.

@converseandjeans

You may well have been lucky your baby slept. I fought so hard to get my DD into a routine but it meant walking for hours a day and made very little difference to the night time sleep. She's 3 and still sleeps badly. Some kids are just crap sleepers and it doesn't matter how hard you try, it doesn't suddenly make them sleep through. Conversely, I have a friend whose daughter is the same age (nearly 4) and still has a two hour nap in the middle of the day. Mine stopped napping by 2.

kirinm

No I had to work hard to get routine sorted for DS. When I had DD she was easy & just did routine - but DS used to try to nap all day & would then be up and about until 11ish at night. I was exhausted and so I was keen to get it sorted.

I don't think many on Mumsnet who moan have actually tried a routine - rather they say it won't work & it's a ridiculous idea.

OP I don't think it affected mine much - bit grizzly sometimes around 6.30/7 but not crying or anything.

I can't see the harm in trying to drop 4th nap.