Help

[AKM89]

Long story short, my almost thirteenth month old hadn’t been a great sleeper since around 4 months. I spent most of my maternity leave since then in a fog. I went back to work when he was around 10.5 months and my husband took over childcare at that point (we did shared parental leave). By that stage things had become a bit more manageable - waking 2 times a night and relatively easy to settle via feeding. However, things have (understandably) gotten a lot worse since he started nursery and separation anxiety kicked in - since then my husband has been unable to help with settling at night and it can take up to an hour each time he wakes. Things came to a head last week when the baby got an infection, during which he only slept on me. On Friday I collapsed from what I think must just be exhaustion. I have a very demanding corporate job and can’t go on like this, but have always taken a responsive approach to parenting so don’t want to leave him to cry it out (I know there are less severe options but believe me when I said we have tried them all to no avail). Any words of advice or solace would be much appreciated.

It's crap, it really is. There is no greater torture than sleep deprivation. You have my sympathies.

I did CC with my dds and it was amazing but it's a decision for all the family as you have to stick to it.yet this was 12 years ago!

Right now you need to survive, can you get a double bed in his room and just Co sleep for a bit, just to see you through?

Have you tried dropping or introducing a day time nap?

Also what is your evening schedule? Could you have a super early bed time to bank done sleep?

If you’re that tired I’d just go to bed and bring him in with you.

Thanks, all helpful suggestions and worked last week when we was ill but generally he no longer sleeps well when in with us (this is how I coped when he was younger).

Ok then you are both exhausted which will be unhealthy for the pair of you. Could it be time to reassess sleep training?

@bjjgirl that feels like our only option at the moment. I hate the thought of leaving him to cry but I also can’t be the mum (or wife or employee) I want to be with what this is doing to both my mental and physical health. But I’m so exhausted I don’t know where to begin - has anyone used a sleep consultant they would recommend?

So this was 12 years ago as I mentioned earlier and we just did cry it out method. The sleep bird may have loads of advice as honestly I think I blocked the whole experience out of my mind due to tiredness but I di recall it took dd I night to get it

Would he cope better if he had the option of sleeping in your room for a bit, either in a bedside crib or a separate one?

Thanks @bjjgirl I will look into it. @Scirocco dont think room sharing would help unfortunately. He actually likes his own room and often requests to be put back down in his crib when he has been sufficiently comforted. I think it’s that he wants my help to get back to sleep - which I do understand is evolutionarily normal but equally our cavemen ancestors didn’t have to go back to work for The Man so I just don’t know what the answer is.

Have little one checked for ear infections before you do anything else. Honestly it could well be a factor.

Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst. Xx

Yes he did have an ear and throat infection last week but he was recovered from that by the time I posted this thread. Things have been bad for a while but it was the week of him sleeping just on me whilst he was sick that really took its toll on me. Obviously he’s better now and sleep is a bit better but still not perfect. In the interim I’ve been signed off work for a few weeks due to the collapsing so trying to take this time to decide where to go from here, but really at a loss.

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much. I really hope you can get some better rest soon. It's pure torture being prevented from sleeping. I imagine it will settle down a bit more for you when he gets more used to nursery.

My little one has been plagued with ear infections which is why I mentioned it. He gets a week or so where we think it's gone and then it just comes straight back again. It's no fun at all when they're ill is it?

Do you breastfeed? I recently night weaned. I would really recommend doing it. That may well help you and might be something to bare in mind that you can do gently. My son has actually slept through since doing it. Not all the time but it has happened. We still have bad nights when something is up, but mostly he just wakes once and he also settles much easier and quicker without a feed than he did with one.

@LGBirmingham thanks for the further info, sounds like it might be worth keeping an eye out for a return of the ear infection.I am still breastfeeding and atm I do have to feed him pretty much every time he wakes, so that’s interesting to hear your experience following night weaning. How did you go about it? And were there many tears?

@AKM89 I followed the Jay Gordon method www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed
But I also followed advice from Lyndsey Hookway's book 'Still Awake' which I found incredibly affirmative and reassuring. I'd really recommend reading this before you start anything.

Ds was very upset on one of the wakes on the first night of no feeds. But he was held and comforted by me in other ways. He got used to it very quickly. I think you need to be able stay very calm if your going to do it and just accept they will be upset and remain present and caring for them. That doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to be doing. Night weaning isn't a magic solution for sleep but it has definitely considerably improved things here. Ds was 15.5 months when I did it.

@katylou66 gosh that is a very long time for hourly wakes to keep going for! How are you functioning at all!? Have you had baby checked for allergies etc...? I hope the night weaning helps. Feel free to message if you want any support during the process.

@LGBirmingham thanks for the information, that’s really helpful. I am going to give this a go but am dreading the screaming!

@katylou66 sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing, it’s so tough isn’t it? I’d definitely recommend making a start on sorting it before going back to work, I really regret not doing that. Keep me updated on how you get on!

How's it going @AKM89 and @katylou66 ?

@LGBirmingham thanks for checking in - feel a bit like we’re stuck on the second stage of the method. Struggling to get him to settle without any boob.

Is this the not feeding at all stage?

@LGBirmingham yeah that stage - he just gets so angry for so long! Is that normal?

How many nights have you been on that stage? I remember the first night being like that. The second less and the third less again. Now he calms quickly. If he wakes nearer the start of the night I sometimes only need to let him know I'm there and put a hand on him and he's back asleep. Somewhere in the middle of night and he's usually ack asleep within ten minutes.

But we do also get split nights sometimes, maybe twice a week, but that was happening pre-nightweaning so is unrelated. He's not upset for the whole hour or so awake but he is awake and gets cross off and on during that period, definitely cross though rather than upset. Frustration at not being asleep and also at me not chatting with him and preventing him climbing around I think 😁. Can't figure out if it's over or undertiredness that causes it, potentially both. I still would rather take one long wake over multiple short ones though. I often have split nights myself anyway so it isn't the end of the world for me.

I do still offer a feed if he wakes after 4am but don't let him fall asleep there. The feed makes no difference at all to whether the split night happens. So maybe I should drop it 🤔 Some nights he has no feeds at all as he sleeps through or wakes up but before 4am.

Oh @AKM89 there was a time post the initial night weaning when he woke pre 4am so I was not feeding him and he howled for about 2 hrs. The next day he had gunk coming out of his ear again. I felt awful. Defo worth offering ibuprofen if in doubt in those situations I think.

I have a 14 month old and stopped breastfeeding him at night 3 months ago, it was hard as it did mean leaving him to grizzle for a bit BUT we stuck at it for a week and he sleeps through now.

DS was the same, never wanted to be in our bed but just wanted boob at all hours. Once he realised that he wasn't going to get boob he settled himself back to sleep.

We thought for a while about whether we wanted to night wean and sleep train as I read endless threads/blogs etc and felt guilty about it. It was so hard at the time and a week felt like forever but it really was worth it. He has slept through ever since (apart from when he's been poorly) and apart from him waking up at 5:30am I have much more energy now.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do !