22mo, how the f to night wean and kick him out of my bed?

[BigBoudIsBack]

Ok please no sleep training advice, I can't do it.

DS is 22mo, still night nursing despite my trying to night wean for the last 2 months (not joking), and still sleeping in our bed. He's always hated sleeping apart but my back can't take it anymore and I've had it. He's always slept like shit, I have done what I needed to to survive. But 2 years is my limit.

He still nurses to sleep, because otherwise he just doesn't go to sleep. Fully convinced he would stay up all night if I tried to cut that. He's getting his last teeth, I think, which doesn't help. I'm happy to still breastfeed, just not every 2 hours (or more often) all night long.

He mostly still naps, though this last week has been interesting and I think I have to kiss the last nap goodbye so he actually falls asleep at night.

If anyone has any tips that don't involve him screaming for hours, I am all ears. I specify that because it's all the health visitors can ever tell me, and I tried it a handful of times and physically can't listen to him screaming for longer than a few minutes.

The only way I managed this with our very clingy, co-sleeping, night-feeding 2yo DS2 was to accept an invitation to a work conference abroad! DH took the week off, prepared himself fully and bore out the first two tough nights. From the third night on and to this day he's slept through.

I had a pretty awful time with my poor engorged boobs whilst I was away, but after a day or two that settled.

I weaned mine off at 2y6mo - I started saying things like “you have all your teeth now, you are a big boy and don’t need milk anymore” for some days, then one evening he agreed he doesn’t need milk anymore.
I lied down with him in his bed, and I think that’s when he realised, he got a bit teary and asked for daddy (I assume the milk smell was upsetting him). I swapped with DH, and he did bedtime for a few days, it was all fine - no tears.

At this age communication is key - start it soon to get agreement.

Re cosleeping - he used to come to our bedroom on his first wake up. DH started returning him to his own bed and lie down with him. There were protests at first and whinging (not full blown crying) but daddy was there to cuddle to sleep. Gradually and fairly soon he started sleeping through the night. Now if he wakes in the night he just shouts “Daddy!”, DH goes and gives him water, tucks him in again and he falls back to sleep.

Hope this wall of text helps

@Throughabushbackwards , I've had that one recommended me before! Unfortunately am the SAHP in this equation and we are very short of relatives nearby who could step in for me while I do a flit elsewhere. Also very wary of anything cold turkey as last time I tried anything drastic I immediately got mastitis. Doesn't mean I'm not seriously tempted mind you.

@7Worfs thanks, I'm going to have to try this. DH doesn't do night time parenting but he'll have to start, I'm about ready to run away from home and take @Throughabushbackwards 's suggestion!

We did the gradual retreat / gradual withdrawal method which whilst did involve some crying, I never left him to cry and also would slightly back track if I felt he needed it. We did them both at the same time - gradually increased the time between feeds and gradually reduced how much input we gave into sending him to sleep. I never thought he would go to sleep without being fed but he did.

I followed Jay Gordon's method. Admittedly at 15.5 months but I imagine it would only be easier the older they are. It's meant for co-sleepers although we don't do that. As you co-sleep it would be good for you.

Lyndsey Hookway has a lot of advice in her book 'Still Awake' too.

It has improved DS's sleep. Although still not consistently he has actually slept through now.

A word of warning though, I don't think you can expect your child to not get upset by it. Feeding clearly means a lot to them, but just because they're upset doesn't make it the wrong thing to be doing. You will be there for them and they will learn how to find comfort in cuddles, songs, strokes etc...

Good luck!

@LGBirmingham It's the Jay Gordon method I've been doing for 2 months, the only change is now we get into fisticuffs when I try to unlatch him 🤦🏻‍♀️ First time I did it it was fantastic, we never got to not nursing at all because he started only waking once and I didn't mind nursing him once in the night. Then he got a cold, and promptly started teething again, and since then it's been bedlam.

@lorisparkle was that with him sleeping in his own space? Idk, mine's a barnacle.

First I would get him his own small double bed in his room and you both sleep in their for now until he gets used to his room.

Can you afford a sleep consultant? We just tried one to improve the sleep of my (breastfed, co-sleeping, clingy) 21 month old and it's been miraculous. She doesn't do sleep training, it's all been about supporting emotional regulation during the day and getting a routine in place and it's made such a difference. She works online and we only needed one session, can pm you the details if you're interested!

Sounds like you just need to get to the next stage then? Though you may want to wsit for the teeth first? Molars can take a while though can't they? Once you have stopped feeding I think you can't really start ain you have to be really strong about it.

Tbh my son now goes back to sleep quicker without a feed when he wakes in the night than he used to with it. Obviously the first night or so of not feeding was carnage. But he adapted very quickly. I'm now not feeding to sleep at bed time at 17 months either. We're now going - feed with light on, stories, lights off songs and I quietly talk through our day and he just goes to sleep.

We still have bad nights but it usually seems to happen when there has been poor naps or routine disruption etc...

You can do it!

I went away for a night. Ds was fine with dad. I then knew he didn't need it and put a bra on at night. Still co-slept for a bit. Then dad took him into his own bed.
Could you do a Friday and Saturday night away?

Sleeps in with your DH after you’ve nursed to sleep. You’ll have to make the last change, and you’ll have to endure some screaming. It won’t be for many nights, I promise. Your DH has to be resolute, and stoic, and so do you.

Thanks everyone, all good suggestions. I need to sit with all this advice and work out what makes sense for us to try first!

We had tried everything and when we started I was sleeping on a mattress with him in his bedroom. However it made no difference what we did as he was waking every 1-2 hours and not even going back to sleep when he was breast fed. It was initially hard as the first step was not feeding him to sleep at the beginning of the night and he was understandably upset. However he was much much younger so not sure how it would work for you. The best book I bought was 'teach your child to sleep'. It gave lots of different methods for lots of different ages and for different situations. There is no 'preaching' or 'only do this' instead it is full of information and choices. We actually chose a method for a younger baby as that fitted into my parenting style.

Bit of an update: DH has started doing bedtime with us, so when nursing to sleep doesn't work (50/50 at the moment, thanks to a nasty cold LO's had for the last 2 weeks), DH will rub his back until he sleeps. Some nights are definitely better than others, and the nap seems to be back in favour so what the f do I know, I'm only mum... anyway will be continuing with this and gently discouraging night nursing until he takes the hint.

Hiya OP, dare I ask how this is going? Really struggling to get my now 2 and a bit DD to fall asleep on her own.