Toddler would not fall asleep on her own

[deepseabadger]

Our toddler, 2 years 3 months, is overall a good sleeper. she sleeps through the night in her cot, and naps for 1:30-2 hours in the day. the only problem - she only falls asleep in our bed, with one of us there until she is fully gone and ready to be transferred into her cot.
The curious thing is that she is happy to go to her cot to fall asleep with her nanny, grandparents, but not us.
These days it takes up to 3 hours for one of us to get her into her cotbed from start of bathtime (circa 7 pm), and we would not emerge until close to 10. It's too long, and I'm aware that she is fully capable of going to sleep in her cot bed, but just does not let us do that. if I try to transfer her into her cot after she has been bathed, milked and read a story (or several), she screams really badly. My husband then looses his nerve and goes to pick her up.

What would you do at this stage - sleep train or just roll with it until she is idk old enough and capable - and willing - with us, to fall asleep on her own.

I personally am dreading bedtimes, and feel it is wrong it's taking so long, whereas she is clearly capable of doing it with other people!

Would be grateful for opinions. Thank you

i Don’t believe in sleep training so I’d say roll with it but appreciate it’s not easy! I think at this age they just want extra reassurance and connection with you..especially with work / nursery etc they just want to make up the time with you and help wind down from their own day. Kids often behave differently with other caregivers / grandparents (usually better!).

we have a floor bed in our daughters room instead of a cot. It’s an adult double but a normal kids bed would work if you could squeeze into it. One of us lays with her and cuddles her to sleep ..takes from 10 mins to 1 hour. I usually read a book on my phone or watch a series with headphones in so it’s nice downtime. Then we sneak off and have our evening by 8-8:30pm. We play loud white noise so she can’t hear us leaving the room. This stops you having to transfer her / potentially wake her up

you could also alternate the nights which one of you puts her down so the other can begin their evening earlier and have more adult time alone.

good luck!

Why can’t you just stay with her while she falls asleep in her cot?

Thank you, I have thought about a mattress on the floor option - would make things so much easier for us. She’s used to sleeping in her cot though by now (once she has been transferred into it that is) so would be too much a disruption at this stage.
I would seriously consider it if we were to do this again!
I agree with you that gentle does it too, but can’t help but get frustrated at times with the amount of time it takes some evenings. My husband and I alternate and I cherish the evenings when I don’t do the bedtime! Wish there was a third person to do it! ))

@SaveWaterDrinkGin she wouldn’t have it ie she wouldn’t go in the cot in the first place. Every time I tried to simply stick her in it and then stay nearby until she falls asleep she literally goes berserk!

@Gab88766 sorry I have replied to your message but did not tag you - still working this Mumsnet out!

Could you reduce her nap so she's really tired at bedtime and therefore goes to sleep quickly? We started to drop our toddlers nap around this age and she is now 2 years, 9 months and most nights goes to sleep straight away. Still goes to sleep in our bed but I transfer her.

@Annie are you ok funny it's exactly what I was thinking about the other day, that she may be sleeping too long during the day and simply is not tired enough at her bedtime. waking her up from a nap is not something that will come easy to me (or the nanny! - she will not want to do that for obvious reasons), but I think you are right and we will certainly need to look to reduce it gradually. don't think we can drop it altogether just yet, she seems to still need it.
Thank you for your reply, and well done for getting your LO to find a good sleep balance.

1- her nap is too long, I'd make it an hour, absolute max

2- im not a fan of replacing one bad habit for another, if you're going to bite the bullet to get her out of your bed, do not create a new issue with the mattress on the floor. Assuming she's well the tears will only be her reluctance to change routine, you said yourself she can do it for others. Put in her cot and say night night and walk out, go back after 1 min, sssh and say night night, go back after 2 mins, 5 mins, 10mins- then 10mins consistently. A few days of hell maybe but my god have your evenings!!!!!

THIS!!

If she does it for grandparents ok then I'd be willing to have a few nights of hell rather than one of you being with her until 10pm every night. You absolutely need your time after they've gone to bed to decompress.

I have 3 year old twins, they're going through a stage of wanting more and more books read to them, but at the end of the day they go into their cots (still in full sided cots, not sure how I've got away with it for so long), they move about, sing to themselves, cry occasionally but always fall asleep themselves. Do it now before it gets worse.

I couldn't cope with this, my DD is a similar age and those few hours after she goes to sleep at night is my only down time (chill out, tidy, whatever).

I'd personally take steps to get her to sleep on her own - some previous suggestions are good - you've got to hold your nerve for a few nights as your DC won't like it, both parents agreeing to it, but within a week this could be sorted.

We also got a GroClock and that helped loads - explained when it was blue it was time for her to sleep in her cot.

Good luck x x