How can I get my kids to sleep independently?

[curlyrebel]

Mine are 3 and 5 and have always needed myself or DH (but usually me) to sit/lie with them whilst they go to sleep.

Oldest wants to hold my hand whilst youngest likes to literally lie on top of me! He needs that physical touch and has never wanted to sleep in his own bed.

I lose hours of my evenings to putting them to sleep. I'd love to just read them a story, kiss them goodnight and get on with my evening but they would follow me down or probably cry themselves to sleep.

Any tips on how I can get them to go to sleep by themselves? Or should I wait it out and hope they'll grow out of this?

[mollysmummyx]

No tips unfortunately, I'm just glad we're not the only ones going through this with our dd! We keep telling ourselves that she will grow out of it ahh x

[Reluctantadult]

Do they share a room? If not then could you try that?

Or the whole disappearing chair thing?

[BertieBotts]

Start leaving for short periods - tell them you're really desperate for a wee and you'll be right back. Once they get used to that, tell them you're leaving for a longer time eg a poo after they get used to the idea that you're coming back, they will fall asleep waiting for you. You can then tell them that you need to do something that will take a long time but you'll check on them when it's finished and then you can tuck them in, say goodnight and promise to check in them when you go to sleep.

At least that's how I did it with DS1 who was so unbelievably attached that I never thought I'd ever manage to leave.

It was easier with DS2 but there were more tears iirc. DH sort of pushed the issue and I wasn't keen but it wasn't that bad. I can't remember what we did, I think he just said it's time to sleep now night night and left him to it! He went back in if he cried but he did always leave again before he was asleep.

[quietnightmare]

Say goodnight and walk out...

Im joking in all seriousness

White noise machine or gentle music
Lavender bath before bed
Clean bedding and pyjamas
Night light
Same time to bed each night and routine
Lavender under the pillow
Star chart and rewards
Healthy diet
Exercise
Exercise for the brain to tire the brain out not just the body
Yoga
Breathing exercises
No tv or screens for a minimum of one hour before bed
Plenty of fresh air
Explain what needs to happen at bedtime
Gradually remove yourself every few nights, lay with them, then kneel next to the bed then a step away etc
You could even go into your bedroom and explain that you are close but staying in their while they drop off to sleep
Leave once they are very nearly asleep
Take it in turn to do the bedtime routine with DH so they are used to both of you at bedtime not just you
Try a banana not long before bed
Get them a new teddy to look after them glow int he dark stars on the ceiling
Glow in the dark bedding and pajama
Willpower

[WhatNowwwww]

I would do gradual retreat & accept that their will be a few tears but that they know you’re there, you’ve not abandoned them. They just need time to get used to the new normal. So I’d start with sitting with them but not touching them, then sitting in the floor near the bed but not on it. If they get out of bed or come out of their room when you get to the stage when you’re outside their room, I’d return them to bed saying very little or nothing at all. Just back into bed and you may have to do it 20 times initially. If you persevere it will work eventually and you’re not leaving them to cry on their own. I think it’s good for them in the long run to be able to fall asleep alone. Especially for the 5 year old he may want to go on sleep overs work Cubs or at a friends. You may be ill at some point and you don’t want them having to deal with it then. Kinder to do it now I think. I’d do one at a time and decide your plan and stick to it.

[ElDormato]

I had a clingy one (I'm lying. I have 3. 2 now sleep independently, so only 1 to go...). Anyway, what worked with mine was, once they had good chat and understanding (about 2.5 yrs iirc) I used to start off in with them, then have to "pop out to do X", but always "I'll be back".

Then I'd disappear for a few mins, then go back to exactly my previous position as if I'd never intended to leave. Then I'd remember something else I had to do and would quietly whisper "oh, I just need to do X, lie quietly and wait and I'll be back in a moment"... and so on. Eventually they'd fall asleep, either with me there or whilst I was on an errand. Then I'd do that every night, and increase the length of time I was gone, but never quite long enough for them to start to question my absence. Honestly I usually said I needed a wee, and my kids probably think I have major issues given how long I spent "doing a wee".

But it works. It's not super quick, but it was painless and involved no crying from any of us. I'd say it took maybe 2-3 weeks to get them pretty good at being left from tucking in. I'd still say "night night, cuddle down, I'm going to go and load the dishwasher, but I'll be back to kiss you afterwards" - then they knew i was coming back, but the afterwards was sometime after 10pm when I was going to bed. I still go in and kiss them every night after they've gone to sleep.

Our youngest is a bit young to understand my need to do jobs, but I'll use the same technique when the time comes. I'm not one for tears and battles!

[ElDormato]

I see a PP suggested exactly the same as I typed my mammoth post

[curlyrebel]

Wow thanks for your quick replies!
@mollysmummyx how old is your dd?

@Reluctantadult yes they share at the moment. I'd love it if they talked each other to sleep. Maybe it will happen in the future. Is the disappearing chair when you move it further and further away? Currently I can't even sit on a chair without my youngest wanting to climb on me.

Love that suggestion @BertieBotts and great it worked for yours. I will definitely try that.

Nice suggestions @quietnightmare. Yes definitely find when they are physically tired out and have eaten well that they pass out quicker.

[curlyrebel]

@WhatNowwwww definitely a good idea to start with my 5yo. She's usually ok if I leave her just as she's about to fall asleep but she likes to chat for a good 10/20 minutes before that!

@ElDormato haha love that your kids probably think you have a weak bladder. Thanks, sounds like this is a good one to try.

[WhatNowwwww]

I think it’s lovely that she wants to chat to you and I think if they can get things off their chest before they try to fall asleep that can help. Otherwise things might be racing round their head even just things their excited about, not necessarily worries or anything.
I have also used the “I just need to go and…” with my two. I think initially though if they are used to you touching them while they fall asleep, you’d be best to get them used to falling asleep with you still right there but not touching them. Then move on to trying to leave the room.
With my youngest the monitor we have has an intercom so if she shouts for me I can reassure her. I can tell her which room I’m in and what I’m doing. She likes that I can say I can see her on the monitor and I tell her I can see she’s turned over or that her eyes are shining or something. That usually calms her enough that I don’t need to actually go back up to see her.

[mollysmummyx]

@curlyrebel she's only 2 so still young but everyone we know is shocked she doesn't go to sleep on her own 😂 hope you manage to get sorted soon!

[BertieBotts]

I also really love the book Still Awake by Lynsdey Hookway. It was only released when I was pregnant with DC3 - maybe if I'd had it to begin with I wouldn't have been stuck sitting with DS1 for years

[KangarooKenny]

I’ll get slated for this no doubt, but I used to put a film on for mine and they went to sleep in their own beds.

[WindyKnickers]

Well my DD is nearly 11 and still needs a lot of reassuring at bedtime so I think it's important to get this sorted as early as possible, for their own good as much as for your sanity.

[quietnightmare]

How did last night go OP?

[Harrysmummy246]

Very gradual retreat- DS would literally lie on me after I stopped BF but then I would ask him to cuddle in the side of me after a little while (explaining mummy was sore often helped). DH did some nights and generally DS is more independent in habits for him but we're now at the stage where we put moshi on, tuck him in and say night night and leave the room. Never more than a gentle nudge to change a habit, never refusing to cause upset.

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

I still remember my dad telling me he'll be back in 5 minutes and the 5 minutes got longer and longer...

[curlyrebel]

Hey, I've only just seen all these new posts so sorry for not replying sooner.

Yes I agree @WhatNowwwww it's good to have some time where they can chat about their day and speak about anything that's bothering them. I think my daughter is also guilty of talking so she can keep herself awake though lol. So I guess it's getting the balance right and leaving the room at the right time.

@mollysmummyx 2 is definitely not too old to still not want to go to sleep alone! Still a baby for sure.

@BertieBotts thanks for the book recommendation. I'll definitely check that out.

@KangarooKenny haha I've done that once with mine, but not something I could do every evening. Id prefer to get them going to sleep without background distractions too.

@WindyKnickers Oh man that sounds hard! Hope you manage to sort that...

@quietnightmare I've tried it 2 or 3 nights now and it's gone ok. The first night I left the room with both the kids in my bed and then I heard moaning cos one had kicked the other in the head (accidentally)! They've not actually followed me out yet but they've not gone to sleep without me there either. I'll keep working on it. Thanks all.

[SaveWaterDrinkGin]

They will grow out of it. We used to hold DD’s hand while she fell asleep. Eventually she didn’t need us to do it anymore.