At breaking point with lack of sleep

[clairebear610]

I don't know what to do but I am at breaking point with lack of sleep and absolutely dreading yet another horrendous night. I have a 22 month old and an 8 week old. The 22 month old has never been a brilliant sleeper but during my second pregnancy we managed to get them to sleep mostly through the night or until 5/6am in preparation for me being up with a newborn. However in the last couple of weeks they have slipped right back and are worse than ever taking ages to go to sleep (and only in our arms) and more challengingly - waking in the night and being wide awake and just wanting to come into bed with me and the newborn. I have tried sitting with them in their room to get them to go back to sleep but am so exhausted I give up after an hour or so and bring them into the spare room with me, or if we let them cry it out (which I admit doesn't come easily to me) then they cry and cry and wake the neighbourhood and we don't seem to get anywhere. But then when the 8 week old wakes for a week they are wide awake again climbing al over the bed, running round the room etc. They just don't listen to my husband or I even when we have a firm voice etc. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. My husband is working long hours and doing his best but doesn't know either and it feels like it mostly falls to me as the 22 month old is very clingy with me at the moment (perhaps s I am the softer parent, or because of jealousy maybe). I guess it could be down to jealousy, or teething which looks like it could be happening. I wouldn't mind them sleeping with me in the spare room although I know it's not the answer long term but even that doesn't work because the 8 week old disturbs them when they wake or feed and so I am literally getting next to no sleep. Please can anyone tell me what to do. Thanks

You poor thing. 2 under 2 is no joke. As you say, a lot of it will be due to the massive upheaval in your older DCs life. Even if you do nothing, it will get better. That doesn’t help you in the here and now though!

Whats the 22 month old’s routine? What time do they wake in the morning, nap, eat meals and snacks l and go to sleep at night? How do they fall asleep?

Hmm this sounds very difficult and exhausting! I think that although it is going to seem a bit harsh the only answer is to enforce some boundaries on what is expected behaviour. I would start by explaining to him that tonight the toddler is going to sleep in his own cot all night. Make it seem appealing if possible! Then you basically have to do sleep training and not get him out of the cot. Do bedtime routine and tuck him in and leave. Revisit for shushing as necessary but just for a few seconds, reassuringly repeating that it's sleep time now. Don't get him up until 6 am the next morning. If you are consistent he will most likely get it within a couple of nights.

It will have to be your husband who does a lot of the shhing so maybe do it at a weekend.

Other than that you could go for some kind of planned cosleeping arrangement, possibly with your husband. That wouldn't be my choice but it might result in easier nights with less conflict, while avoiding crying. You would still have to set the expectation of staying in bed and not running around which might be really difficult. Also you'd have to be prepared to do it for a good few months, and again be really consistent.

I know there will be people who think that having a new baby is hard for a toddler and therefore it wouldn't be fair to make them sleep alone. But I would just view it like any other parenting decision - you know it's best for the whole family to maximise sleep.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and there are some good tips/advice there. By some miracle the toddler stayed in their cot for the first time in days last night (I think they must have been v tired from the previous few nights activities) but it feels wonderful to have just needed to wake up for the baby. I am praying it happens again.
@AliceW89 they currently have a lunchtime nap for 90 minutes (it was 2 hours but we reduced it to see if that helps). They always need waking up after it. Then it's bath at 6:30pm and bed at 7pm although it takes quite a while at the moment to get them to sleep. Wake up time is totally hit and miss. On a good day it's between 6-7am but often it's sometime after 5am and the last few nights they have been waking randomly anytime between midnight to 4am crying. Snacks tend to be fruit (currently grape obsessed) or some toddler friendly crisps or some cheese maybe or a rice cake. Thank you!

can you divide and conquer? Husband with toddler in the spare room and newborn in with you?
otherwise, you need to put the toddler in their room, in their cot and never ever let them sleep anywhere else. Consistency is your friend here