Biggest Regret - Sleep Training To My DD1

[coclala]

I was first time mum. I raised my DD1 by books. I trained her at 6 months. Let her cry for 2 minutes, then 5 minutes then 10 minutes, and so on... She was able to fall asleep on her own after a week but woke up and sat up in her cot shouting after 3am or 4am. I would wait for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour... to get her. It was going on for months and she sometimes slept through the night sometimes woke up and cried. After about 1 year, she slept with us in the same room due to house renovation. She then quickly figured out that she could jump into our bed when she woke up. She's 4 and a half now. She still sleeps in our room. She still wakes up and cries but it's getting better and better. She used to wake up and cry for a good 20 minutes because she wanted to go wee wee but she would not move... just sat up and cried in bed. I feel heartbroken every time I saw her doing this. That was every single night between she's around 2 and 4. She sat up in the middle of night brought me tears. I see her suffering but no idea how to help her. I feel I have done a lifetime damage to her little brain. I am worried she will have sleep problems all her life.
I guess I am writing this to get mums' opinions. I have asked GP regarding her sleep problems and my concerns. I was told it's not caused by my sleep training. I am not sure she just saw a sad mum and wanted to make me feel better. I don't need sympathy. I'd like to know if I have done something wrong then how I could fix it.
I am a full time mum with 2 daughters. DD1 went to a preschool from 3. She was always with me all day all night before that. She's very responsive, sensitive, and active.

I think you have made a rod for your own back at nearly 5,she is old enough to be reasoned with...or now you are a really big girl,etc. Does she have her own bed in your room? I had a friend who did this,and eventually ended up with an 8 years old in the room,and DH in the spare. Before I get flamed and accused of having perfect DKs. They didn't sleep at 6 weeks like my friends babies seemed to. My oldest DS learned to climb out of his cot,very young. At 3 marched out of bed,put the light on and started playing with his toys, couldn't see what the fuss was about

Well no one can really tell you either way. No one can know how she would have been even if you’d co-slept or whatever.
We sleep trained our Dds fairly early on. With similar methods. Neither of them have had sleep issues. In fact they’ve both been excellent sleepers and great at self settling. They were both still waking a couple of times a night for a feed til about 11 months but once the initial phase was over there was little distress.
They’re 11 and 9 now, still good sleepers.
Maybe we were lucky.
Why will she not get up for a wee? If you’re right there with her why can you not comfort her and get her to the loo? Or is more like a night terror?

Ummm..we’ll she’s sleeping in your room - so obviously she’s not going to sleep well.
put her in her own room and tell her to
go to sleep.

Oh, I didn’t sleep train my first and he didn’t sllep
through til 3.5 and is still a bit a great sleeper.
Ds2 and DD i did and they slept from 13 weeks through abs are great sleepers.

Just wow.

God I couldn’t be doing with this. Put her in her own room and say goodnight.

Do you have anything helpful to add!?

You did the best with the information you had at the time feeling guilty won't help it just makes you feel bad. I'm sure you didn't damage her for life some kids are just bad sleepers regardless. Do you follow Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram she's a gentle alternative to sleep training and I think she does consultations etc. She herself has an "orchid" child who needs lots of support with sleep.

I think the problem here is that you haven't sleep trained her, not that you have. Yes you sleep trained her at first, but since moving in to your room she has been allowed to wake up, get in your bed, party time. Of course she is sitting up crying etc because she is getting your attention.

You should join the facebook group 'the beyond sleep training project', they will have some great advice and lots of members have been through similar.

Wow I am flabbergasted by the judgemental replies on this thread. I’ve just joined and I’m horrified, I will be quickly un-joining but I do hope you see this message. You did the best you could and I am 100% certain that your little one will soon sleep more independently, maybe not now, maybe not soon, but she will. You sound like a loving mum, you’ll be ok.

Yeah yeah. I joined that group after your recommendation and promptly left group as it is post after post about people wanting to change their (awful) sleeping situations without having to do anything except bedshare and breastfeed forever.

This.
Listen to your instincts - crying children need comfort, parenting isn't a part time 7am-7pm job that you can shut the door on at bedtime.
Don't beat yourself up about the sleep training - adopt responsive parenting from now on, and take turns with your DH so that you alternate getting some rest.

Yeah well some of us mothers actually enjoy bedsharing and breastfeeding. Shocking I know. It’s almost like mammals are meant to do this 🤔 each to their own, but bedsharing has helped everyone in my house get more sleep. That group gives good advice about changing up the daytime naps and activities to help with nighttime sleep. Perhaps you should take another look without being so judgemental 🙂

You’re clearly in a difficult situation and need to find a way through it that works for you and your daughter. But I wouldn’t add to the stress of it all by holding so much guilt about sleep training. I thought you were going to say that you had successfully sleep trained when she she was young but had terrible issues come out later. But the fact is that you didn’t successfully sleep train her. You’ve just had a difficult sleep situation all along with her, as part of it you tried sleep training, it didn’t work and issues continue to unfold. I would try not to hold additional guilt that you somehow caused this by trying to sleep train her. It was reasonable at the time but unfortunately in her case didn’t prove to be the answer. Start with where you are and where you want to get to and try and figure out a plan without the guilt. I don’t have the answer to that but goos luck. Sleep issues are so hard.

You haven’t sleep trained her at all. She’s 4.5 years old, old enough to sleep in her room, door shut leave her to it. You’ve pandered to her wants for far too long.

@MrsWeasely I breastfeed and occasionally bedshare currently (3month old), so not judging that but think the Facebook group is a bit useless because if someone wants to change sleeping situation it feels really restrictive what you can and can't advise and Co-sleeping and breastfeeding to sleep is not always the magic answer.

Totally agree but I think without treading into sleep training territory that is essentially what you’re left with. I personally find the group helpful but I get it’s not to everyone’s liking.