Its tricky. But you are going through the stage that all (or at least most) babies go through as they leave the "fourth trimester". So it's not like your baby is harder work than any others, they all go thro it. Parents just learn, adapt and find a way to cope.
The key to independent sleep is going to sleep independently, as you mention.
You say he will absolutely not go to sleep in such a way that it suggests you thought this might be easy (ish) to achieve. It absolutely isn't. Teaching baby to sleep independently is fucking hard graft. Its:
- labour intensive
- time intensive
- frustrating
- unrewarding for a long time
- dull and incredibly monotonous
- never ending. All day, all night, every day, day after day, week after week, month after month...
You mention being 6 weeks into trying to get him to sleep independently and seem to have given it up as an impossible job. 6 weeks is a teeny drop in the ocean of time and daily-grind effort needed.
So your first decision - is sleeping independently worth the effort to you
It's a personal question and will be a different answer for everyone. Generally speaking, there are two pathways ahead:
(1) Attachment parenting
This means you just totally don't try to get baby sleeping independently at all. It's a battle you choose not to have. You are your babys source of comfort at all times
(2) Independent Sleep
This isnt something that 'just happens'. You need to focus on good quality comforting, but in an independent way.
Dummy helps. You need to utilise it well though. Its impossible to cry while simultaneously sucking. So if baby is crying when put down, you need to work on dummy use. It isnt just 'put in mouth and hope for the best'.
- get baby to reach for dummy with mouth instead of just putting it in. Tickle cheek or upper lip with teat for this.
- gentle tapping on outside triggers sucking
- if crying with dummy in and tapping doesn't get baby sucking, remove and start again. Think of it as a poor latch - no point carrying on. Pull off and try again. You may need to keep in doing this until baby starts sucking and stays sucking.
- keep sucking going (by tapping) as babys eyes close. But then allow mouth muscles to blacken and dummy torso. This means baby is in a deep sleep. Remove dummy until next needed (ie if stirring awake)
Daytime naps in something that moves will help. I favour the bouncy chair. Pram pushed back and forth on the spot works too.
Swaddle helps - it reduces stimulation when putting baby down. But if you haven't already established swaddle use, it's too late now.
Sidecar cot helps at night (full sized cot with one side removed, butted up to your bed). It means you can cuddle close to settle baby in the night, but with baby in their own space. Then you can extract yourself after baby settles.
Realistic expectations matter too. Baby might grumble, but you get baby sucking on dummy to stop it. Then if daytime, use movement of bouncer to lull to sleep. If night, swaddle and cuddle close to settle. Neither are easy though. You have to dedicate the time and effort, every sleep time, all the time, long term, to make it happen.