Toddler will not sleep!! Help!

[Bakingmom]

Hey, really just looking for some hope that things will get better. My DD is almost 2 years old. She’s NEVER slept well since birth. We had a really rough time with her as a newborn, she only ever breastfed to sleep and we co-slept to cope. We did some gentle sleep training around 6 months old which worked short term, but it never stuck. Honestly, I’m at my wits end as things have just gotten worse. We have to lay down with her in her room and hold her to sleep. It’s taking up to 2 hours some nights just to get her to fall asleep. Most of the time she cries for me and doesn’t let DH put her down. When she eventually sleeps, it lasts no longer than a couple of hours until she’s awake crying for us again. She usually ends up in our bed, but if she can’t physically feel my skin she absolutely breaks down.

The sleep deprivation is soul destroying, but I’m more worried that the longer this goes on for, the co-sleeping and dependency, the more she’s going to struggle as she gets older. I just want her to have a positive relationship with her sleep. As a baby and child, I co-slept with my mum, and I really believe it was the cause of a a lot of my issues with sleep as I got older e.g hating sleeping alone/insomnia. Any advice, tips or just reassuring words that it might get better would be great.

I think boundaries are the main issue here. You’re not allowing her to learn to self soothe. There is no reason (if not unwell) that at her age she needs to be coming into your bed… in my opinion. I also don’t know why you’d lie there for hours getting her to sleep. I think you’re well meaning but you’re reinforcing the attachment and poor sleeping style. Sorry if I sound harsh OP but I think it’s time for a shake up

Following.. similar situation here

Sounds like you're having a really hard time. My son is also a bit of a cling on. He prefers me to do bedtime over his dad but with earlier bed times (so he is less tired) he is coping better with it being dad and not crying about it the entire bedtime anymore.

We've tried all sorts with getting him to fall asleep alone and lately at 2.5 he is waking for comfort in the night again after not doing that for months. But one thing that I'm sure has helped has been staying with him in the room through him falling asleep and then through the night. Separate beds - I sleep on a mattress on the floor and he is higher up in his bed. When he's been unsettled or ill doing this for a week or so seems to reassure him that I will be there should he need me so he wakes less worried about it. I also tell him "if you wake in the night, pull the duvet over you and sing rock a bye baby". I just say it casually a few times around our bedtime chats and it has worked! I see him doing this on the monitor.

Does your daughter still nap? My son sleeps much better if he skips his nap. Sometimes he still needs one but generally he goes on without these days.

In response to the above post about setting boundaries etc. I definitely believe that can help some kids and always intended to do it with mine. However with mine, any attempt to add distance without a softly, softly approach always resulted in worse separation anxiety and problems.

@Piper22 I agree and I do feel like we are making things worse. We have done gentle sleep training before and we have tried to put in place all the things to help her self soothe. But without letting her cry for hours on end in a room on her own, which I’m really not prepared to do, I’m not sure how to get her to sleep or not being her in to our bed.
@LazyYogi yes she is still having one nap a day for around an hour. She definitely still needs her naps as she gets knackered around lunchtime. Although I’m not sure if that’s because she doesn’t get a good night sleep the night before. Last night was another night of waking at 10.30 crying for us, ended up in our bed by 2am. I’m so exhausted :(

We had a bit of a tough time on the first year but just kept going back to sleep training, did Ferber method. We just persisted. Co-sleeping never really worked for us because I think we all disturbed each other a lot and everyone was tired. She sleeps really happily in her own bed now and actually refuses to get in ours when she’s having difficult nights.

But we did have to keep going back to sleep training. It was often hard and long and painful. But I would say the end result is worth it, she’s a much happier sleeper. It did mean about a week of serious crying each time (i think we had to have 2 rounds)

Sleeping training, short and sharp but you need to be consistent

Otherwise she’s probably old enough for you to try things like star charts for her

I’m worried she’s too old for sleep training now. We did Ferber method the first time round, and it did work for about a month, then she regressed and all went out the window. Do you think Ferber me this would work with her now she’s almost 2?

“She regressed and it went out the window”

I don’t mean this unkindly but for it to work you really have to be consistent, so if you do Ferber method and it works for a while but then you go back to cosleeping / cuddling to sleep etc etc then it’s giving her completely mixed messages and will be harder the second time around

Method** lack of sleep affecting my typing haha.
It’s also worth mentioning that she goes straight to sleep on her own in her cot at the childminders for her naps and down for my dm when she babysits. So it’s possible she definitely knows how to play me.

My eldest did this and it nearly broke me. I did a lot of reading & searching for the best solution and found -

A strong and consistent routine is key. Your dd is now old enough to understand a bit, so -
Decide on your new bedtime routine and rules.
Make a visual story of the rules - bath then story then bed with teddy and eyes shut. Mum outside the room.
Talk your dd through the rules and stick up the pictures on her wall.
Start to follow the routine and stick to it 100%. Be kind and cuddly for stories but after the light is out, don't be chatty or engaging. Just put DD back in bed with no talking.
Stick to it completely for 1 month at least. It will work but you have to be consistent.