Sleep training yes or no?

[August21yellowbaby]

I've always been so against "sleep training" and I keep telling myself that I need to just follow his lead and give him whatever he wants whilst he's a baby, but in reality my mental health is crumbling
I have no enjoyment in life, I'm obsessed with trying to work out how to get him to have a good nights sleep, I class a good night as him waking up less than 6 times
My baby wakes up EVERY hour and has done for 3 months since 4 month sleep regression

He's nearly 7 months and I'm so unhappy which is making me feel like a bad mum, I do t want to play, I don't talk to him much, I feel like I just wait till his next nap so I can relax without feeling guilty for it

So my question is, do I sleep train or not? And what method would you recommend? Something as kind as possible if I am going to do it, but open to hear any methods you have used that works

I don't get any help at night and very very minimal help in the day ( a couple of hours on a Saturday morning I get to myself )

We did this at 10 months but wish we'd done it sooner. It took 2 nights. Before that it was hourly wake ups.

www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/

I would wholeheartedly recommend it anytime past 6 months

But this thread will probably be derailed as a lot of MN posters are quite against it.

As someone who didn’t, and who’s 22 month old still wakes at least 3 times a night, do it.

We did control crying. Worked wonderfully. Before anyone says they learn not to cry. I can assure you, my lo still cried for me when she was poorly with covid, or when she was teething or when she needed a nappy change.

How’s it a derail for people to say, when OP has explicitly said yes or no?

I didn’t OP, I know several people who tried it and it didn’t work. One who’s still trying controlled with a two year old.

What have you tried so far? What’s he sleeping in? White noise? How are you settling him when he wakes? What’s napping like?

I say no, as you've asked. It doesn't work, you have to keep redoing it, and I couldn't personally not respond to my child in distress. I had two terrible sleepers, my eldest didn't sleep through till she was 4, and my youngest till he was 6, so I've had plenty of sleepless nights, but I still wouldn't do sleep training if I had another.

It honestly breaks my heart thinking of babies being ignored by their parents, and his they must feel when they are calling out but no one comes.

As you're asking this, what is it you really want to ask? Because you don't need permission to do it, if that's what you think will help. I wouldn't myself but lots do, and if you think it's going to be useful then just do it. It doesn't matter what people on the internet think, you do what's right for you and yours

It's not for me but if you are suffering, then it's a no brainer. I'm quite lucky in that I can cope with little sleep but if it's affecting your mental health, then you have to weigh up the pros & cons. Just keep in mind that it normally backtracks with teething, illnesses, regressions, etc.

I found that sleep did become easier at about 10 months - longer stretches. 6-10 months is such a tough time with weaning, sitting up, crawling, first teeth, etc. Their little brains are in overdrive!

@AnneLovesGilbert

How’s it a derail for people to say, when OP has explicitly said yes or no?

I didn’t OP, I know several people who tried it and it didn’t work. One who’s still trying controlled with a two year old.

What have you tried so far? What’s he sleeping in? White noise? How are you settling him when he wakes? What’s napping like?

He sleeps in his crib next to me, the room is dark and cool, he sleeps in a sleeping bag that swaddles around his stomach (arms are free) I use white noise, and a fan has always been on since he was born, an hour or quiet time reading books and singing before bed, I don't turn any lights on or talk to him after I put him down for bed

It doesn't work, you have to keep redoing it

@zurala what evidence do you have that it doesn’t work?

OP, I would really recommend controlled crying at this point. My view was that a few short nights of crying was much less stress for us and the baby than months and months of broken sleep and prolonged crying.

Was brilliant, sleeping through within a few nights.

We did the gradual retreat at this age which is a bit gentler than controlled crying. It worked really well but it can take a few weeks.

I have also used controlled crying on a toddler which worked very quickly (3 nights).

I agree with above that a few nights of crying is better than not sleeping for months and months.

Obviously up to you but we did when he was about 9 months and was so happy we did.

We used the Little Ones sleep programme - it sets out their whole day rather than just focusing on sleep.

After 3 nights he was settling himself and sleeping from 7pm to 6am and still does unless he's unwell or having a little blip.

I just think if things aren't working for you as a family now, then why not try something.

I think you would need to get him in his own room to effectively do it. If he's lay next to you crying etc he won't self settle.

I didn't enjoy my baby phase due to no sleep for longer than 2 hours, but we did a mix of gradual retreat and controlled crying when DS was 11 months and he slept 7-5 on the third night.
Do it. I regretted not doing it sooner as we were all so miserable waking up 6 x a night.

Hey OP same as you - i qas pro sleep teaining then against and back and fourth as from 2 weeks old my Bubba wakes often. Gp said he is a boy he has a high metabolism and its normal for him to wake often and I need patience. She also does not advocate Sleep training when babies still need to eat often as you may end up ignoring genuine cry for food and end up doing a lot of harm.

I'm with you its so confusing and you need to follow your motherly instinct.
I have decided to review it when Bubba is 6months old - I read lots grom Dr Sears and Dr Mckenna and that changed my thinking sbout not Sleep training until 6/9 months of age. Before then they are too little and we really dojt know long term side affects.
Dr Mckenna refers to sciwnce about Early Life Stress affects on brain development. It's not good. Let alonw the small studies on babies in America. It's really hard to want to do best for baby but look after yourself too.
I'm just so scared about life long damage and what extent of the damage is.

My Bubba is EBF snd used to sleep 5/7 hour stretches at night but deteriorated at 12 weeks and now does 2-3 hours most but often 1.5 hours.
I know the science of why he does what he does it's not manipulative and on purpose he isn't a bad Baby. He is just doing what babies do - need for safety, comfort and food and he gets that from his primary caregiver. It's babies natural instincts.

One good thing Dr Mckenna highlights is that the emotional aspect of babies brains is undeveloped and not fully formed until 4/7 years of age. I.e babies amd toddlers can't self soothe. But they can be taught CIO - no one is coming so experonce shutdown syndrome amd dont reach out for comfort.
It's hsrd again thinkong about it rationally emotionally as a mother it doewnt sit with me and thej the science of babies and mother bond it makes sense why babies do as they do.
The fact is if you sleep train your not teaching aelf soothing skills the science backs that up your teaching them - dont bother wasting energy no one is coming. And at present we don't know the extent of harm this foes to a babies brain and what they take into adulthood.

My beother Sleep trained his 12 month old with Ferber method and a consultant. My niece. It worked for a few months then stopped and she became SUPER clingy to the point of being 7 years old - scared of the dark and has to sleep with family. She wakea up as soon as someone tries to get up even to the loo. It's bad.
So as others have mentioned it might not work or work for a few short months and it may make matters worse.

My mother mever sleep trained me or My siblings we just developed a lot sooner amd would doze off easily without crying it happened on it's own with no trauma.
So babiea are capable of learning to sleep independently but it's down to development and temperament.
My son is super clingy and he knows what he wants - Mummy. He is not a chillax baby at all. And i need to adjust my expectations of motherhood so I don't depress myself comparing him to babies who are chilled.

If you are confused deffo hear stories from others experinces but also look at the science and then follow your gut instinct in whats best. Your baby you choose how to raise them.
Have a look at Dr Sears and Dr McKenna

Im in solidarity with you in in the same boat.

I didn't personally. Is Dad on the scene to help? Could you try putting him in his own room to see if this helps?

My friend did Gerber on her 4.5 month old it worked amazing for 4 weeks then the naps got bad again then followed by night sleep and she is bsck where she was at 4months. She did the training as she hsd PND and couldn't stand little sleep and his crying and constant holding.
I spoke tonher yesterday and she said she is triggered again as he is waking up multiple times a night screaming and she can't face doing the training again so is stuck.

But you also hear success stories as well. If it is affecting you mental health seek medical advice. Speak to your Gp and make an informed decision.
You wouldn't make big life decisions when not well rested and irrational it's the same with decisions for bubba.
All the best

I selfishly didn't put my DC needs 'first' when they were small. We were equal. They certainly never always got what they wanted. I figured I mattered just as much because I ran the ship so to speak.
I was pretty tough at bedtime and they never ever ever came into our bed. They slept well from about four or five months. Consistently.
My mental health was great and their younger years unmarred by resentment and sleep deprivation.
20 years on and we're all bonded well enough with lots of happy memories.

I'm going through the same thing with my 4 month old OP. If he is still waking hourly by 6 months old then I will absolutely be sleep training. My heart goes out to you for dealing with this for 3 months with so little support.

I did it with my 14 month old and am now doing it with my 11 month old, I tried it earlier and it didn’t work but kept trying every few weeks and this time it’s working. The first night I sat with him and stroked his face with the comforter and he started doing the same and that is how he now soothes himself. He has slept through a few times and other nights it been one wake up, where I give him some water and then lay him down and leave, if he’s upset and won’t settle I go in reassure and then leave again.

I always felt it was something I could never do but actually I got to the point with my daughter where it felt like she wanted to be able to get herself to sleep and cuddling just wasn’t comfortable enough for her as she was getting bigger. Also my little boy has started waking so happy in the morning as he gets lots of rest now. I would recommend it and you soon get to recognise when they’re crying because they’re cross to when it’s distress and you need to go in. Good luck!