Unable to cope with this level of sleep deprivation

[XDee56]

Hello, not really sure what I am hoping to gain from posting but I am feeling really low currently due to lack of sleep. Did is 5 m old and is now refusing to sleep in the cot and will only sleep on me. I have tried co sleeping but she won’t do that either. I am currently getting about 3 hours broken sleep. I also have a toddler so can’t catch up during the day. My husband has a very high pressures job so he is unable to help. I don’t know how much longer I can cope with this for.

What hours does this unsupportive husband work? Do you have family nearby or can his terribly important job cover some paid help for you? Can toddler go to nursery a few hours a week?

Have you tried controlled crying?

Would you consider/can you afford a sleep consultant?

Can DH do until midnight and you go to bed as soon as he gets home from work, then you do from midnight on?

Sleep deprivation sucks

If you can, get a sleep trainer.

If not, research yourself and pick a method that suits you and do it.

Your baby will sleep in a cot. They will not die from sleep deprivation if you don't let them sleep on you. They're programmed for survival.

So the toddler is starting nursery but they can’t start until the end of March. Even then it’s only for a couple of mornings to start with. He’s a complete lockdown baby so I am unsure how he will cope. If he’s fine I’ll up his hours.

We have tried getting a nanny but they all seem incredibly flaky so far so I have kind of given up on that option - perhaps I need to revisit.

I know sleep training is probably the best option I just don’t have the energy in me to do it.

My Dh is generally supportive but I think he’s struggling mentally, his sibling has been incredibly unwell in icu and he has been close to losing them numerous times. Dealing with that and dealing with a stressful job seems to be taking its toll and I am not sure I can add anymore.

I found by about 6 months was when I was at breaking point with both dc who were terrible sleepers and with the first used to go to work after about 4 hours sleep.
My solution was to do a combination of controlled crying which worked after about 5 nights, nap during the day with toddler in bed with me watch TV(stairgate on Dior to stop them getting out)
I would go to bed when dh came home so would often get 4-5 hours uninterrupted, he made his own dinner and would bath/ bed toddler and he would absolutely do the night feeds( I froze breastmilk) on Fridays &Sat.
Do not let dh off the hook even for an ill relative.
It sucks at this stage but it doesn’t last forever so hold onto that

I think you’re right at the point where it’s hardest.

What do you mean by she won’t cosleep?

@SaveWaterDrinkGin I have tried to put her into bed with me. She will just whinge and cry.

I know you are tired, but 2 or 3 nights of controlled crying will sort it at this age. The longer you leave it, the longer it will take. Can you grit your teeth and just go for it tomorrow? If you do, then you might be getting a semi decent night of sleep by Monday.

Here are the basics

Put baby down to sleep
They whinge
Go to the loo (to slow you down)
Part baby on back and say shush for 1 min
(Btw the lights are off and you have white noise running loudly)
Leave baby to whinge for 5 mins (time it on your phone) while you sit outside the door
Go in and pat and shush for 1 min (time it)
Go outside for 10 mins
Go in and pat and shush for 1 min
Go outside for 10 mins
Rinse and repeat

Some people go longer than 10 mins outside the door, buts that is the most i needed to do.
If they can get a thumb in their mouth, that is v helpful as they can ise it to self sooth, sometimes if you hold their fist in the right place it gives them the idea.

To get through it you need good chocolate and a notepad to write down what you have done/timings. It can help you see any patterns
As soon as they start snuffling rather than crying, or taking breaks in the crying, dont rush in even if the 10 mins is up, you will stir them up

OK I can see why you don't want to put on him, but if he's home in the day at a weekend can he not sit and care for her whilst you nap? I'm not saying wake him up I mthe night but just try and catch sleep where you can. Spending time with his daughter is a fun thing

I would do the controlled crying as mentioned above. 2 or 3 nights and things will be loads better. It will be unpleasant but also they will almost certainly settle much quicker than you think. And be absolutely fine afterwards.

5 months seems so little for controlled crying, although I understand how torturous sleep deprivation is. You could alternatively try pick up / put down or just shush patting in cot, keep replacing dummy, making sure white noise is loud etc. What changed, was her sleep ok before? Was it the 4month regression? Teething?

Of course doing nothing is also an option - this will pass and baby's sleep will get better eventually but you desperately need some more support and if you can't get this from partner / friends / family then you need to buy yourself some childcare so you can catch up on sleep in the day.