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Sleep

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Original poster

Absolutely exhausted with sleepless nights

19 replies

IneedsomeSleeppleasenow · 11/02/2022 06:47

I have read so many threads on sleep and overwhelmed by the amount of information. I feel like I just need to talk to people who I don't know as speaking to family and mums I know I just hear that "he will grow out of it"

My lo is 10 months and wakes around 4 times at night, at least once he will stay awake from two to three hours. He cries until I breastfeed him and after that, he sometimes won't settle. He settles for naps well, and at bedtime- just not overnight when he wakes up.

I feel like we've tried everything, we have a good consistent routine and I put him down awake after a feed. When he wakes we have tried going in to comfort him, letting him cry it out (hell), white noise, singing /talking to him over the monitor. Nothing works.

I go to bed at 8pm to try and get more sleep, so I have zero time to myself in the evening. I try and nap when he does but this doesn't equate to very much.

I've spoken to people who suggest that babies don't night wean until after 18 months. I'm not planning on breast feeding for that long.

I don't think I can cope with any more nights of less than 4 hours sleep.
DH does what he can but works long hours and gets up at 5AM.

I lay there at night feeling anxious about when he's next going to wake up and feel sick sometimes when he starts crying when I'm finally drifting back off to sleep again.
I really wish someone had told me how difficult this would be, to be honest I feel sometimes that I regret having him. It sounds so selfish and awful and I love him so much but during the day I don't feel like I can look after him properly as I have no energy. I am going back to work in 4 weeks and have no idea how I'm going to function or use my brain with such little sleep.
Does anyone have any tips/guidance/reassurance or anything? Thank you for reading!

OP posts:

gemloving · 11/02/2022 06:52

Mine was like this, up every 2h until I stopped breastfeeding at 14 months. He then had 1 bottle for a bit but then slept through.

I know how tough it is - sending hugs.

Twizbe · 11/02/2022 06:56

I night weaned both mine at 9 months using controlled crying.

Like you then went to bed fine and we kept the bedtime milk going (they still have a cup of milk before bed at 3 and 5) I did move the breastfeed to before story though so it wasn't the last thing we did.

They both started waking loads in the night around 9 months and feeding them back to sleep stopped working.

We did controlled crying for 4 nights and they slept through from then on.

However, for you right now, I suggest you book an afternoon where dad takes baby out between his feeds so you can get some proper sleep before attempting to tackle a night of controlled crying.

MGee123 · 11/02/2022 07:02

If he self settles well at other times and you've checked temperature etc he is most likely hungry. Babies don't need feeding overnight past 6-7 months, longer than this is just habit or insufficient calories during the day, and it often seems to be EBF who have this problem. I would start bottle feeding in the day so you can monitor his intake and start introducing formula if you can't pump enough. Feed him enough in the daytime so you know he doesn't need feeding again at night and ride out a night or 2 of not feeding him at all. His appetite will then probably be higher the following day and you can try to 'reset' his clock so he's getting his full calorie intake during the day.

GrendelsGrandma · 11/02/2022 07:08

Where will the baby be when you're working? If childminder or nursery, can you ask if they can start a bit early and do some settling sessions that will give you a break? Could your dp or anyone else take the baby for a bit so you can sleep?

Is he in a cot in his own room? Personally, I'd either co sleep or sleep train, you're getting the worst of both worlds like this.

For sleep training if that's what you decide to do, it's best to have an actual written plan and set yourself a target for how long to stick to it, ideally when you're both off work (bank holiday weekend etc). It's hard and if you don't have a plan to stick to, you won't get anywhere and it will be unpleasant and unproductive for everyone. We used gradual retreat method and my DH carried it out as I knew I wouldn't be able to stick it out.

You might find that childcare tires him out more and he sleeps better when that starts.

As for regretting him, I get where you're coming from. Everyone who has a baby knows about sleepless nights but the full reality isn't clear until you experience it. It does get better. Ten months is a hard age when the babies want to crawl and walk and talk but can't really get anywhere so they're frustrated and whiny. They turn a corner pretty soon.

Twizbe · 11/02/2022 07:50

@MGee123

Sorry but that's such bad advice. No one has to start bottle feeding because the baby wakes up at night.

Upping solids in the day might help. At 10 months it should be more solids than milk anyway.

Twizbe · 11/02/2022 07:51

Oh any my son who was combi fed slept worse than my EBF child.

Original poster

IneedsomeSleeppleasenow · 11/02/2022 11:42

Thanks everyone for the help. I forgot to mention I bf early morning, bedtime plus the night feeds so I offer him formula in the day just so he gets used to me not being there. Sometimes he has a lot of formula and other days not so much. He eats a lot of food now, more than milk so I'm certain he can't be hungry at night. It does seem to be out of habit which I'm worried I haven't helped with. I think we will give controlled crying another try. As Grendels Grandma mentioned, we need a proper plan as no one thinks straight at 1/3/5am!

Thanks again, I've never posted on here before so it's helpful to get others views :)

OP posts:

MGee123 · 11/02/2022 14:31

@Twizbe I disagree - bottle feeding can enable you to have confidence their nutritional needs have been met in the daytime and therefore night wean with confidence. It could be expressed or formula milk. Obviously not everyone needs to adopt this but for some it might help.

OP I guess if you're confident he's not hungry then you just need to either go cold turkey at night and not offer feeds at all, or gradually reduce the frequency/time. If he self settles at other times hopefully it won't take too long to adjust.

SatinHeart · 11/02/2022 15:55

My DC2 was like this at that age. I had a failed attempt to night wean then ended up co sleeping, having sworn I wouldn't (never co slept with DC1). DC2 is a lockdown baby and I think it was separation anxiety, co sleeping did mean that straight away everybody got a lot more sleep. It got better after I stopped bf at 15 months, then night weaned a couple of months after that.

We chickened out of sleep training as DC2 was very loud at night and woke DC1 up, who was then grumpy the next day. I do kind of wish we'd persisted with sleep training tbh.

EmmaInParis · 11/02/2022 19:15

Hey OP, sending lots of sympathies. I was where you were and (reluctantly) sleep trained with controlled crying. Nobody wants to have to do it and it wasn’t easy but worth it all round in the end. With him being awake for 2-3 hours in the night I just wondered what his naps look like though? Not had that issue but read that split nights can be due to too much day sleep or napping too late in the day as there’s not enough sleep pressure built up. I have no idea but just something I’d come across elsewhere. I doubt it’s hunger but probably habit if not. My baby could already settle herself to sleep at bedtime and naptime before we sleep trained her but just not on night wakings when we resorted to sleep training. Probably because I always just fed her back to sleep. Good luck. I can relate to the feelings of regret when I was struggling, but getting sleep really will change how you feel about being a parent x

Tronkmanton · 11/02/2022 20:02

Weetabix at bedtime? Worked for my DS

Yelsiap · 11/02/2022 20:31

I cannot be of any help unfortunately but I am in the same position as you so it’s nice to know I am not alone.

My little boy is just 11 months and this has been going on for a month or so. He’s got to the point now where he wakes all night long and I have to feed or cuddle to sleep, and sometimes this isn’t enough and he just screams for an hour or so before falling asleep, and that’s with me cuddling him. I’ve tried controlled crying but he made himself sick.

I hear what you’re saying about the zero evening time, it sucks. This is actually a late night for me because he had already woken once and screamed for 30 minutes, I tried cuddling but it didn’t work so I sat by the cot and stroked his face and he eventually calmed down and fell asleep. I’m going to try and nightwean tonight as the milk is clearly is a habit for him now. I say try because I may give in as I’m exhausted after 4 hours sleep last night and that’s not even in one chunk. Everybody says newborns don’t sleep but they don’t say how long it goes on for.

I have a little girl who has just turned 2 and I cuddled her to sleep until I sleep trained at 14 months. I did everything differently this time to not get into bad habits, he used to self soothe but I clearly just produce rubbish sleepers!!

Yelsiap · 11/02/2022 20:35

Oh and another thing I’ve just gone back to work and although it’s hard being so tired it’s not as bad as I thought because work is not as demanding as a baby and toddler lol

Flittingaboutagain · 11/02/2022 20:35

I'm planning on breastfeeding until 2 if I can but I am in the same boat as you. My baby simply cannot stay asleep for longer than 2 hours at a time and it's been this was since 16 weeks. I can only send solidarity because I have no answers. I have tried pick up/put down and shush pat etc I won't do controlled crying because of my professional views on it. So I can only empathise and hope these babies are excellent sleepers in the years to come!

Original poster

IneedsomeSleeppleasenow · 11/02/2022 20:45

@EmmaInParis

Thank you :)

Do you (or does anyone) have any tips with controlled crying?

I get that it's increasing the time leaving them minute by minute but I'm trying to imagine it actually working. We have put aside a week where we aren't both working in a couple of week's time so will dedicate that time to it!

His naps seem normal, he has two shorter or one longer nap. If anything he maybe doesn't get enough day sleep and I never let him sleep after 4pm.

I think maybe when I feed him sometimes it just wakes him up and he thinks its morning/playtime

OP posts:

Yelsiap · 12/02/2022 08:29

When I did controlled crying with my daughter she was 14 months old, I left her and went in after a couple of minutes to reassure. This actually seemed to wind her up so I left it a little longer and then she started settling herself, the first night took 17 minutes second 9 and then 4 and then she would lay down give me a kiss and go to sleep.

My little boy I’ve tried it a few times going in every 2-3 minutes but each time he gets hysterical and I give up after 10 minutes. Last night he woke an hour after bedtime and I tried cuddling him but he was still crying in my arms so I put him in the cot and just stroked his cheek and reassured him, it took half an hour of him getting cross and crying before he went to sleep, so a bit of progress.

I don’t know the official timings but what I would say is listen to the cry and watch on the monitor and then you can decide whether you need to go in because they’re so upset or whether they are protesting.

ChittyBang1987 · 12/02/2022 08:37

I did cc. I never got to 7 minutes of crying. She still wakes if she needs me. I night weaned about 7 or 8 months, I think; it's all a blur now. I just offered water. I think I changed nappy initially in the middle of the night. But was a quick change, quick cuddle less than a minute and back in cot. Only changed because I felt she needed it.

Also, as you BF, I would send OH in there. If you go in lo will smell your milk and less likely to go back to sleep if you're going in and out.

I did 2 minutes, comfort for 1 minute. 3 minutes, comfort again for 1 minute. Increments of 2 minutes for us.

LGBirmingham · 12/02/2022 10:52

Hey Op, not sure if you know that around 8 to 10 months is a period for a big separation anxiety peaks in babies? I wonder if because he falls asleep on his own (which is amazing 👏 we'll done!) He gets scared that you're not there and hence won't do it in the middle of the night when there isn't so much sleep pressure any more? I don't know the solution as my ds won't fall asleep on his own but I have experienced the separation anxiety. It waa more waking around 5 times a night and refusing his dad, but going quickly back to sleep as soon as I was there. I rode it out and his sleep really improved when I started back at work at 11 months. I feel for you, but I'm sure it will improve x

LGBirmingham · 12/02/2022 10:56

@Yelsiap

Oh and another thing I’ve just gone back to work and although it’s hard being so tired it’s not as bad as I thought because work is not as demanding as a baby and toddler lol

I totally agree with this. My fast paced deadline driven job is much more relaxing than a day with my son!

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