How to safely co-sleep? Also - DH isn't sold

[bestwisheskindregards]

Hey everyone,

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and I'm trying to learn more about co-sleeping as lots of friends of mine say if you EBF, it's kind of inevitable - even if you don't originally plan on it.

I'm an awful sleeper - insomniac, very light sleeper and massive fidget. I move around a lot in the night. So I don't know if it'll be for me yet but I want to make sure I know how to do it safely if I have a baby that will only sleep close to me. I'd like to be prepared with it as an option haha. Neither of us smoke nor are we big drinkers. I do plan on getting a next to me crib regardless but it sounds very common that baby still ends up in bed with you.

Another challenge is my DH is fairly against the idea. He doesn't like the idea of potentially having to sleep in separate beds, is nervous about the safety and also concerned for my well-being as I already struggle with sleep. He thinks the added anxieties of babies safety will only make it harder for me to sleep.

So my questions are:

• is it possible to co-sleep with your DP in the same bed or do you tend to sleep in separate rooms?
• if your DP stays in the same bed, how does the duvet situation work? I know I'd have to either have no duvet or tuck it in around my knees, but if DH is next to me and doesn't want to do that, how does that work?
• if you did decide to sleep in separate beds, at what age was your LO when you and your DP moved back into the same bed?
• how do you stay in one position all night!? Being a light sleeper and I also have a bad hip, I change position a lot.

Apologies for all the questions. I find it a bit of a minefield but would love to find a way for it to work for us. Thanks in advance ☺️

Honesty if your DP is a deep sleeper let him and baby sleep in the same room. Sure you have to feed them but at least you can shuffle off to your haven.

It’s not inevitable - breastfed for the first 3 months and have never co slept. I’m not saying you shouldn’t if you want to.. but it doesn’t sound like you want to!

I wouldn’t have been able to sleep because I’d be too worried about the baby. And my baby had bad reflux so my bed would have been covered in sick constantly.

We had a snuzpod next to our bed. Really easy to get the baby out, feed them and put them back without getting out of bed yourself.

Can't address the first two but co-sleeping is not a requirement for breastfeeding. I BF and did not want to co-sleep due to 1) risk of death for the baby and 2) more disruption to my sleep and 3) didn't want to have to go through the stress of moving the child to their own room and bed when they were older and more aware of what was going on and 4) wanted the bed to be just me and DH.

After a few weeks though, I was absolutely out of my mind with exhaustion as she needed breastfeeding every 1-2 hours through the night. So from 4 weeks, DH slept in our bed, DC in the bedside cot next to him, and I slept in the spare room. If she needed a feed before 3am he would give a bottle. After 3am, he'd wake me up and sleep in the spare room - I'd go into our room with DC at that point. But I never ever settled back into a proper sleep when I was in the same room as the baby! Even now (she is 5) I cannot sleep well if I'm in the same room as her as I just keep an ear open all the time.

I EBF 3 DC and never co-slept either. Best advice I ever received was not to get into the habit of always feeding them to sleep. It happens a lot when they are new borns but after that just wake them gently and put them down awake. It helps avoid being a human dummy!

Agree with @NorthFacingGarden! It’s certainly not inevitable, my boy is 3 months and has never slept in my bed. Ebf. I didn’t want the stress and worry of Co-sleeping and it doesn’t really sound like you do either? It just doesn’t sound very practical for you if you could avoid it. Fwiw my boy is happy as can be in his own cot (Moses basket for the first month until he outgrew it, he’s a big lad!), sleeps 9.5 hours a night reliably and has done for the past month or so. More luck than judgement on my part, I am sure, I’m just saying to make the point that he really didn’t need to co-sleep!

We had a sidecar cot with the idea that I could 'feed and slide'. Didn't always work so if DD ended up on the same mattress I'd chuck my pillow off and tuck the duvet so DH was still covered. Something like this...

I EBF two babies. First one hated co-sleeping, still does at 5 years old even if she's sick she wants her own bed and space.Baby 2 would NEVER have slept if not on/next to me. He's 3 now and still needs some form of human contact to nod off. I think different babies have different plans, you just have to roll with it. To answer your Qs
My husband slept in spare room while I co-slept, he was worried about rolling on baby and as he's a smoker evidence would suggest that was the right decision too. He came back when baby was about 18 months-ish? I found sleeping in a 'c' position helped me stay in one position. Also a light sleeper but genuinely would have got no sleep otherwise so co-sleeping saved my sanity.

I was always adamant I wouldn't co-sleep but with my EBF DD (now 6 months old) we have since around 2 months.

Super king bed
Baby sleeps between me and the next2me crib attached to the bed (worlds most expensive snack holder)
DH on the other side
I have the duvet over my feet and DH comfortably has it fully over him, my body acts as the barricade to stop it from covering DD

The only issue is the lack of mobility. If we've had a good night I can roll away from DD slightly and get myself comfortable. If she's basically attached to me all night I do get sore hips.

Your sleep needs definitely change after having a baby. I sleep much more lightly!

For us co-sleeping gives us all the most rest as I really struggle to nod off. With the frequent night wakings, having to sit up to feed and try and put baby back down I was barely getting 20 mins sleep between wakes. Co sleeping means I can just whip a boob out without really having to move so I can fall back asleep much faster.

Good luck OP

I EBF and didn't have to cosleep until 5 months when the sleep regression hit. Before then I found them much easier to put down in the bedside crib as they sleep so deeply.

Benefit of waiting until then is there's a bit more flexibility after 4 months, baby can go between you and DH. Before then they should be on your side which makes changing position harder.

Cover wise I cut a slit in an old sweatshirt and wear a crop top that pulls up for feeds so i keep warm, duvet round my waist. DH slides his pillow down the bed so he's covered more - might not work if he was very tall!

I think you're wise to be prepared, I didn't think it was for me but I'm glad I can do it safely, rather than passing out asleep unsafely one day. Also don't be too scared, the research is very tricky on splitting out SIDs and suffocation and those doing it safely and planned vs those who fell asleep on the sofa. Biologically normal infant sleep is a good FB group (though a little scary in making you think you must bed share until theyre about 15 )

Thanks everyone. All of your advice is really useful and appreciated Especially thanks to @Frlrlrubert for drawing a picture too!

It sounds like I'll have to wait and see what kind of baby I get and see they'll sleep haha. Fingers crossed we find a way that works for us 🤞🏻

I have the same set up as @Frlrlrubert (lovely artwork by the way!)

Baby (4 months) in a next to me crib, comes into bed with me sometimes if struggling to settle. I can't be arsed spending time settling. If he's not sound asleep after a feed and happily down in the next to me immediately, I just scoop him into bed. King size bed.

I always have to sit up to feed and still use a nursing pillow. I bloody hate it but I've tried lying down to feed and it just does not work for us. I'm hoping as he gets older it will work...

Oh and partner wears earplugs. If it's a particularly crazy night with the wee one, we have a very good sofa bed that he sleeps on in the living room instead.

@GromblesofGrimbledon

It's hazy (DD is 5, and in my bed right now because DH is away) but I think DD was 4-5 months before I could feed lying down.

Counter-intuitively, it worked best with the 'upper' boob to start with, with her sort of half propped on my lower arm. Then you have to try to roll away and free your arm.

Good luck, I hope you crack it soon, it made a massive difference to my sleep.

@Frlrlrubert

We had a sidecar cot with the idea that I could 'feed and slide'. Didn't always work so if DD ended up on the same mattress I'd chuck my pillow off and tuck the duvet so DH was still covered. Something like this...

This was basically what we did with both kids.

My tip for co sleeping to be comfy as possible is to make the sleeping space as big as possible. When my son was a baby we only had a double bed and then got a side car crib thing. This was ok at first but when he got too big for the crib sleep got really hard again as there wasn't sufficient space in the bed for 3 of us but my son was waking up so much co sleeping was essential. Things massively improved when we hacked a more permanent co sleeping solution which was to take one side off the cot bed (which we had optimistically put in his room thinking he'd sleep away from us after 6mo the, ha what fools we were), and get it up to the same height as our bed, so it was like a very big side car crib. This meant I was able to get my son to sleep a tad further from me and that helped us eventually wean in the night, so he slept next to us but not constantly attached to a boob all night. By the time my daughter was born we'd moved and got a super king bed. We didn't have room for the cot bed alongside it but as the bed itself was so much larger that was ok - we still had enough space.

My baby is now 4 months EBF and I was very anti co sleeping. After the first week of trying to get him to sleep in his next to me crib I actually was breastfeeding him, fell asleep through severe sleep deprivation, and dropped the baby. Luckily it was onto the bed, but I didn't even realise until I woke up later on. This is how a majority of 'co sleeping accidents' happen.

Safe co sleeping exists and is common in many cultures with extremely low SIDS stats, like Japan.

Me and my boyfriend begin with us sharing the duvet and tucking it under me, I slept with my arm up and baby lying under it/on it. Bed against the wall with pillows down the side. Baby in his own sleeping bag.

This worked for us and a few weeks ago introduced him back into his next to me cot which he now sleeps in a majority of the night.

With the baby being so close by your husband probably won't even wake up, I've normally picked up and settled my baby before my boyfriends even flinched.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope it all goes well once the baby is here.

It's not inevitable. I breastfed two kids each to age 2.5 and never regularly bedshared. Get up and feed them in a nursing chair or similar and then put them back in cot/crib.

If you do bed share I would say to get a side sleeper cot - we had a snuzpod which was a really good thing and gives you a bit more space.

Like breadwidow we also graduated to attaching a full size crib with the side off to the bed.

I'll let you imagine the diagram of when she was big enough to move and robust enough for me to not panic, where she sleeps where my pillow should be and I sleep with my head in the cot.

We also had one of those bed rail things (again, when she was big and mobile enough for trapped arms and legs or slipping in gaps to be less of an issue). I think this was on the other side of the bed, so we could sneak away and she couldn't roll all the way off, but honestly we tried every configuration because she was (and still is, DH is away and she's currently taking up 3/4 of my king size bed) a lovely monster.

She did/does usually sleep in her own room after I night weaned though, and would have much sooner if I hadn't been too lazy to get up, for anyone worrying that it goes on forever.

Definitely not inevitable. I EBF and it was only at 4 months when I stayed in a hotel that gave me a travel cot which didn't meet my safety standards that I tried co-sleeping. Honestly I didn't sleep well for those few nights, my baby woke more often and my back killed me the next day from lying in the same position for ages. The only advantage I could see was that he settled down faster initially. It was heaven when I got home and was able to put him back in the next to me and I could sleep next to my husband, under my warm duvet and change positions to my hearts content.

I didn’t intend on doing it either because I was worried but ended up doing so because it was just easier some nights. Had a snuz pod which she actually wouldn’t ever sleep in for the first couple of months but we just did shifts with her asleep on us whilst we’d binge watch Netflix! Then as she got a bit bigger I felt more confident with feeding lying down and started bed sharing a bit. Husband would mostly move to the spare room. We never did it for a whole night though. It was always just from early hours when she would find it harder to settle back in her next to me and I’d be so tired by that point it was just the easiest option. But I found by 6months ish it was really hit and miss. She’d be uncomfortable and wriggly some nights and I found it wasn’t helping me sleep any better. So we moved her in her own room at 7 months. First week or two I’d bring her back in bed with me most nights at some point but it got later and later until I just decided one night I was going to stop doing it. We’ve not co slept for 3 months and although she still wakes regularly and I have to go in and feed in the chair and resettle her, it’s definitely better because it was becoming really uncomfortable for me. Like what everyone else has said, it’ll depend on your baby and what works for you two. Best of luck!