Completely lost with 9 month old behaviour and routine

[drmartinee]

I’m really struggling with my 9 month old’s sleep. It has never been considered good but I feel as if we’ve levelled up on the shit scale recently. Wake up times and bed times are all over the place from one day to the next. He is fighting sleep with all his might, crawling/jumping all over me when I’m trying to get him to sleep and, when I finally do get him settled, he’s waking every 30-60 minutes. When he wakes he will only settle with a feed, and then when we join him in bed (we cosleep) he’s attached to me all night but not settled. He’s never got to sleep by himself. It’s felt like since being a newborn we’ve had to “put him to sleep” rather than him just peacefully drifting off in my arms like you see many babies do.

I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do to settle him. There is no consistency in how I get him to sleep or anything we do for that matter. I do anything I can until he falls asleep. Lying down to feed, letting him crawl all over me, rocking him sat down, rocking him stood up, feeding him stood up whilst rocking, white noise, singing, shushing, patting. Each night is different and I have no method to fall back on although a feed is most likely to work. I feel as if I’ve completely lost my way and I’m so confused with the conflicting information I’ve read and tried to absorb into my sleep deprived brain. I keep thinking I need to come up with an action plan to tackle it but in all honestly I don’t even know where to start as I have no energy. I just wish I could go to bed with him, do XYZ and know that he will peacefully fall to sleep and stay asleep for a decent chunk of time.

During the day, awake times are all over the place. Anywhere between 2-4+ hours. He fights naps his 2 naps but when I finally get him sleep he usually has around 2 hours nap time in total each day. Generally I don’t think he is happy. He fusses all day, screams when getting dressed, screams having a nappy change, in high chair, car etc, wriggles and fusses when I’m nursing, hits, bites. I could go on.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy. Do we need a stricter routine? Do I need to stop feeding him during the night so that he's hungrier in the day? I'm so lost.

This has turned into a much longer post than I planned! Sorry!

Babies thrive on routine. I think you need to start implementing some structure into their day. Just some basics like get up at the same time every day, naps and meals at a set time.
We do 7am get up, feed then breakfast at 8is. Nap at 9:30-10-10-30, lunch 11:30/11 afternoon nap at 1:30 dinner at 4. Bath, book, bed 6:30 and asleep by 7.

@CMAYF11

Yes I think the day starting at the same time would be a good start point for us as that will hopefully bring more consistency. I do struggle with this though because he's so awful throughout the night, I let him sleep in so he gets some rest. If I start to wake him early, would be not be over tired?

It might be a bit of a shock to him for the first few days. But it will set him up to have his morning nap at a set time. It will also help you have a more regular day.
We get our LG up at 7 (if she's not awake already) regardless of the night. Plus I'm back at work so we have to get up and get ready.

That sounds proper rubbish OP, really tough. I agree trying to implement a routine might help. Makes sense to start with wake up at set time, then milk and breakfast. Morning nap at same time- perhaps 2 or 3 hours after waking. Activities and lunch then afternoon nap. Lots of people follow 234 once on two naps, could try that? How do you get him to nap? I would set a method and stick to it- he'll learn what to expect. Trying going for a walk late afternoon- gets you both out for fresh air (I take mine out in carrier on my back for a sunset walk).

My LO is a year old. Sleep hasn't been great (day or night) but is better now. I find a routine really helps. We also part co-sleep and feed back to sleep. There are good and bad nights. Our routine- wake ~6am then milk and breakfast. Play time. First nap ~0830, I rock her to sleep and she contact naps. When sleep was much worse I would co-nap to get some extra zzzz myself. She rocks to sleep in hardly any time as she knows what to expect. Sleeps for about an hour. Lunch around 1130/12. Second nap about 1230 always in pram rain or shine. Sleeps for 90min. Up about 2pm, start bedtime at 6pm, aim asleep 630.

I understand sleeping late after a bad night but that might be perpetuating things. Try a stricter routine for a few weeks and see if it helps. Also I know weaning is stressful but try not to worry, just offer a range of healthy food as well as some favourites and see what he'll take.

It's just relentless. He's only been asleep 45 minutes but has already woken up twice screaming. I've had to send my partner to see to him because I am DONE. I'm starting to get angry that he doesn't sleep. I know it's not his fault but what the actual hell is wrong with him.

Hi OP

Totally get your frustration. It’s very normal for 9 months old to still wake in the night so I think first thing is to set realistic expectations so you know what to work towards. Ideally getting him to sleep a good 4 hour stretch is a good place to start, this will naturally get longer as time passes.

To get things going I agree with waking up between 7:7.30 every day. When I was in similar position to you I had agreement with my husband that he would always get up with her whenever she woke/when we woke her at 7 and take her downstairs. I got another hour or so of sleep that way. Also agree first nap should be approx 2 hours after waking, then second nap 3 hours after waking, then bedtime 4/5 hours later.

I’ve always BF my little one to sleep but around 9 months moved her into her own room as she was waking every 45 mins in the night and I couldn’t cope anymore. I still fed to sleep but the put her in her cot. Often she would wake and scream. If that happened I would follow the Ferber method of basically giving her a quick reassurance in the cot (patting her and soothing voice) then leave the room and return to do same reassurance 5 mins later, then 7 mins etc. you can Google Ferber method for details.

If you’re not happy leaving him alone to cry at all there are either options. One is to habit stack. So basically at the moment he relies on various methods to get to sleep by sounds of it - feeding, rocking etc. Pick a method you’re comfortable with long term. So for example when feeding to sleep for each sleep introduce a comforter that he can hold and pat his back/bum while feeding. Eventually that becomes a sleep association (the comforter and back tap) and you can try putting him in cot with comforter and just tapping him to sleep.

Another alternative is to put in cot and stay in the room to help then get to sleep. You might sit next to cot and sing lullabies or tap him or whatever works. Gradually over time you reduce your interaction.

What works will depend on your baby and you. For example I tried the in room settling stuff and quickly realised (although j persisted to weeks) that my daughter gets more wound up if I’m in the room as she just wants to be picked up. What works for her is leaving her (for short periods of tine) then popping in briefly to reassure her as I described above. I didn’t get overnight results but got improvements within a week of sticking to this (she was sleeping for 4 hour stretches in her own room) and slowly over about 2 months she started sleeping longer. When she woke I would do quick nappy change in the dark and then a quick boob feed of no more then ten mins then back down in her cot. If she cried I would repeat the above (eg leave and return after 5 mins etc). Once she hit 17 months she started consistently sleeping through.

Hope this helps. It does get better and honestly I never believed it would. I ended up really mentally and physically unwell at times with sleep deprivation and felt trapped and like there was no end in sight so I really sympathise.

Agree with PPs about routine and habit stacking, but have you checked out whether your LO has any allergies? My DS' sleep was awful before we cut our dairy and soya. So much better afterwards. Symptoms aren't always obvious, a lot is often explained away as "typical baby behaviour", until it gets to the point where you just know it isn't normal

@Skyla01

Thank you for the advice. I definitely need to get up at the same time each day. I’ve tried 234 but haven’t stuck to it. Mostly due to inconsistent wake up times and when I’ve been out with friends and family who aren’t very encouraging of a routine. As you suggest, I think I need to have a couple weeks sticking to a set routine and work our socialising around that rather than the other way around if you see what I mean.

I get him to nap anyway I can. Same as bedtime. Feeding, rocking, standing up, bouncing, in the car, in the bouncer. It depends what mood he’s in and where we are at the time. I’m terrified to put him down to nap because he won’t nap for long. He naps for longer if he’s on me or in the car or the bouncy chair.

I love going for a walk but he screams from the moment I put him in to the pram to the moment I get him out so I do avoid going on walks which is such a shame because I love walking. I can’t carry on my front due to birth injuries but I guess I could try carrying him on my back if he’s old enough for that now.

@anonyhb

I’m more than happy for him to wake in the night, I expect that. What I didn’t expect was him waking every 30 minutes and needing a feed every time to get him back to sleep. His sleep used to be so much better. I don’t know what I’ve done to make it like this as he’s got older but clearly I have done something very wrong along the way.

Oh wow a 4 hour stretch would be a dream. We haven’t had that since he was 5 months old.

It’s nice to know that things improved for you when you moved your daughter into her own room. I’m at the stage where I can’t see an end and have convinced myself it’ll be like this for years. I might try putting him in his own room. We haven’t yet simply so we don’t have to get up 20 times at night to settle him. I like the habit stacking idea so I will be giving that a try.

@bobmortimerstrout

Yes, I’m at the point where I know this can’t be normal. No other baby I know of is like this. Not even the ones I know with dairy allergies!!! I haven’t had him checked for allergies though. Maybe I should. I'll get him booked in for a check up.

@drmartinee I can imagine it all feels too much right now. Try writing down a routine and stick to it for a week and see? I'm afraid my baby's routine comes before my social life / what I'd like to do but I'm also a stickler for routine myself do I don't mind too much. Does your baby ever take long naps? Mine only started reliably linking sleep cycles at 9/10months, most successfully in the pram. Shame your one doesn't like pram walks either. I have a back pack carrier which is quite sturdy. Find she's too heavy for sling now.

Will you be going to work? I went back to work part-time a few months ago and that also helped take pressure off me a bit as I get a few baby-free days each week so any potentially difficult days with LO are easier to deal with. Routine goes out the window again at nursery though!

I don’t think it’s totally fair to say social life. Sometimes, life just does happen and it’s difficult to stick to a routine. I find it hard as well, @drmartinee. When I was on maternity leave, we had different baby classes and groups at different times and now I am back at work I find at weekends even things like a walk in the park can throw us if he unexpectedly falls asleep in the pram!

One thing that jumped out at me was the constant waking. I have no idea if this applies but my DS (at 10.5 months) got a cough. It only bothered him at night and he was similar. It was awful as he’d go down no problem (so not the same I know) at say 8 then wake 2 and a half hours later, refuse to go back in his cot and then ‘co sleep’ which I hate because I got kicked and thrashed on all night!

The cough FINALLY went at the start of the year and DS has been so much better. He woke three times last night so not perfect but he went back to bed with no drama. It’s made such a difference to me. I was so angry and tired and fed up of everything and now I can actually cope so much better.

I really sympathise with you. One final question - could he possibly sleep better in his own bed?

Hi again OP

I really can sympathise as my daughter would only do 45 mins to an hour at a time until she was about 9/10 months old. She was Co sleeping with me and waking me up every 45 mins just attaching herself for a quick feed. I was exhausted. She also contact mapped only (and still does, unless we put her in the car) so again very similar.

Things did not improve instantly. I tried a million things over the course of 6 months and saw some gradual improvement but things didn’t get a lot better (stretches of 4/5 hours) until she was about a year old and started going to nursery. It was still up and down after that; some nights or even weeks she would be terrible again and last year at 17 months old things had been getting slowly worse and we were at the point of being awake for 2/3 hours in middle of night trying to re settle her. I went back to my method of Ferber that k described above and slowly over a couple of weeks she went back to sleeping long stretches or sleeping through.

It will get better. You’ve done nothing ‘wrong’ at all, you’re responding to your baby and your baby is just doing what babies do! That doesn’t mean you can’t work on the sleep and see improvements though but do expect it take time. Pick a strategy, stick to it for several weeks and don’t blame yourself. Also be aware that you’ll learn what works for your baby so may need to adapt. So although I’ve just said stick to something, you also need to be aware that one method might not work and will need changing. For example I tried doing in room settling for about a week and she was just getting more and more hysterical so I switched to doing Ferber which (after w few nights of hell) showed results. Also I gave up trying to get her to nap in her cot as it’s more hassle than it’s worth so I always so contact naps or car naps x

@drmartinee
How are you getting on nowadays? My baby is 9 months old and sounds so so similar! It’s really tough!

@drmartinee I’m sorry to dredge up this old post but on the off chance you might see this OP I wondered how you LO is getting on and how did you get him to sleep better? I have a 9mo and could have written your post word for word and I’m at a loss as to what the answer is. Hope your DS is sleeping much better for you now

@Han0 I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's been a long time now and I wish I could say there was a magic moment where things improved but for us, there hasn't been. The issues we experienced at 9 months were just another phase we had to ride out, just like the issues we're experiencing now at 20 months. I relaxed and stopped trying to fix it, in favour of thinking things will sort themselves out eventually (hopefully haha!!). Sleep is slightly better but he still wakes every 2 hours. He's more content during the day as his independence has grown. He still has his unhappy moments though - when I leave, when I try to make him wait for a breastfeed, when I’m getting him out the bath and ready for bed. Standard stuff for a baby I guess.