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4 year old wakes at least 3 times a night.

21 replies

WideAwakeAllNight · 10/01/2022 04:34

My 4 year old DS wakes at least 3 times a night. Friday was 13 times, last night was 4, tonight we are at 9 times. It's been like this for about a year and is getting worse. He used to have nights where he slept through and now that never happens.

I can't take it any more. Even on nights DH is here to deal with it also I still get woken up and then struggle to fall asleep again because I am just waiting for him to shout.

He goes to bed about 7:30-8:00 every night. He's scared of the bath and shower right now so our routine is quiet time - wash/brush teeth - 2 stories - in to bed with peaceful music. He refuses to sleep without music or an audiobook playing.

Some nights he goes to sleep straight away but most nights he gets out of bed and stands there shouting for me or dad. He will do that on average 4 times before he finally goes to sleep. It'll be because he needs different music putting on, he needs another wee, forgot to tell us something. Whatever excuse he can find, really.

When he wakes in the night sometimes it's because he needs a wee or help putting his blankets back on. Other times it's because he needs a hug or he has to tell us something (usually nonsense) or sometimes he just cries. He never asks to sleep in my bed or needs me to stay with him, I just have to constantly settle him. Worse than when he was a baby! He slept through from about 18 months - 3 years.

Every single morning, the moment he opens his eyes, he cries and whines. If we don't go to him immediately he starts screaming and banging. I think it's because he's so tired as no matter what he will wake at 7:30am.

He's slept in his own room since he was 2. I've tried to make it as cosy and pleasant as possible; comfy bed, dim lamp and fairy lights, nice bedding and blankets. Bedroom has never been used as punishment (as in it's not where he goes for a time out or whatever), I don't think he feels uncomfortable or unsafe in there. I've asked him why he shouts me so much and why he feels so upset but he doesn't know, or at least can't put those feelings in to words yet.

I'm exhausted and so fed up of it. DH is exhausted. He wakes up our older son all the time too so he is also miserable and tired.

Obviously I am a shit mum and doing something wrong. He has a poor diet, very limited in what he will eat (curry & rice, noodles and omelette, fish fingers and carrot waffles, yoghurt, bread), probably has a bit too much screen time on weekends when I'm working.

We are trying to improve his diet and use screens less but what else can I do?

OP posts:
user97426 · 10/01/2022 05:36

You're obviously far from a shit mum op. Is he tired enough? Does he get plenty of fresh air and exercise even an hour or two before bed?

Dd has a crap diet too but I honestly think it's just their age so I don't stress much about it.

BlusteringBoobies · 10/01/2022 06:13

Not a shit mum at all! And actually that diet doesn't sound half as bad as a lot of other 4 year olds!

My DS is younger so I don't have any experience in this but it reads like this is now an ingrained habit rather than something genuinely bothering him.

I've read a lot of sleep threads on here that swear by the Supernanny method. A very tough few first nights but then the realisation hits that this is the new norm and children seem to accept they can't dictate their own bedtime.

Im sorry OP, no further advice but please don't beat yourself up about this!

Dancingsmile · 10/01/2022 06:22

I'd say there could be more to this as you mentioned he's scared or the shower and bath. Is that something new ? Does he have other worries ? It sounds like it needs unpicking more.

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 06:24

He’s not getting out and moving his body enough. He needs to be get out, run, walk, climb. Every day without fail. Does he?

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 06:24

You’re not a shit mum
You’re tired

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 06:26

But to change the situation - it may make you more tired In the short term
BUT
Will vastly improve your life in the long run

Forget about worrying about diet for now
Focus on reducing screen time and massively increase being outside and exercise

CurtainTroubles · 10/01/2022 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

CurtainTroubles · 10/01/2022 06:30

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ZoChan · 10/01/2022 06:38

A weighted blanket may help- our DS is 5 and wakes a lot, especially when there are things changing (such as going back to school). He's had the blanket for a month or so, and whilst it's not solved it completely for us, his sleep is noticeably better.

WideAwakeAllNight · 10/01/2022 06:47

We do get out a lot, we walk the dog every day for an hour (more at weekends) - to the park, to the beach, which is about a mile away. He's active at school, he's in reception but they still spend a lot of time outdoors even in winter.

We attempted the supernanny method, the third step where you don't say anything was like torture for him. By day 4 he was just laying in bed sobbing for hours. He doesn't want to sleep in our bed or anything, he waants to sleep in his bed, he just can't stay asleep.
I know he can settle himself, I've seen him do it. He's capable of putting his music back on. It's just an alexa routine that plays music when he says "bedtime".
Reward chart has never worked, not even when the main prize was something he really wanted.

OP posts:
Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 06:53

Weighted blanket
Talk to teacher
Don’t worry about the diet too much
Reduce screen time, certainly from 4pm onwards - none at all in short term

WideAwakeAllNight · 10/01/2022 06:53

@Dancingsmile

I'd say there could be more to this as you mentioned he's scared or the shower and bath. Is that something new ? Does he have other worries ? It sounds like it needs unpicking more.
It's been a fear of his for about 2 years, on and off. He loved baths as a baby. Then he got frightened but I don't know how, nothing changed that I could see. We had a period where he loved baths and swimming for about 9 months and now he's back to being scared. Just last week he was snorkeling in the bath no problem, begging for surf lessons, now he will only sit in it for 5 minutes before he gets upset.
OP posts:
WideAwakeAllNight · 10/01/2022 06:55

@ZoChan

A weighted blanket may help- our DS is 5 and wakes a lot, especially when there are things changing (such as going back to school). He's had the blanket for a month or so, and whilst it's not solved it completely for us, his sleep is noticeably better.
Oh, I never thought of one of these. He does like having a big duvet on, he says it's like a hug. Definitely will try this, thanks.
OP posts:
Lotsofpots · 10/01/2022 06:59

As well as the weighted blanket you could try giving him a magnesium supplement in the evening. Within days of taking it my 3yo stopped night wakings - might be a complete coincidence/placebo, but worth a try?

Anythingbutsnow · 10/01/2022 07:06

@Lotsofpots

As well as the weighted blanket you could try giving him a magnesium supplement in the evening. Within days of taking it my 3yo stopped night wakings - might be a complete coincidence/placebo, but worth a try?
Which one do you use? I can't find any kids magnesium on line
SecondhandTable · 10/01/2022 07:08

I don't have any advice but I just want you to know my 3.5 yo DD can be like this too. It doesn't sound as bad as yours granted - she does sometines still sleep through all night and most the nights she doesn't she is usually only up once or twice but certainly it's not uncommon for her to wake 5+ times a night. Especially in times of change or if she's unwell. We have a 3 mo and the other week they both had colds and it was hell, I didn't sleep for more than 1hr at a time for about 4 nights. She says similar things to your DS: sometimes she cries and can't articulate anything wrong, other times it is "can you fix my duvet?", "I want water", "I can't find x teddy" (she has like 5 things in with her now since we finally ditched dummies at Xmas so often stuff gets tangled under her big duvet), "I need a cuddle", "I'm just a bit upset"....and each time me or DH goes in we sort whatever and we also need to then sing her rockabye baby and twinkle twinkle which we sing before putting her to bed. She also has a projector attached to her bed that she's had since she was 3mo and we don't have the projector on (she doesn't even know it does that) but there's a big button and it plays about a half hour of lullaby music gradually fading in volume so she has that on each time too. She does put that on herself tho other times and just goes to sleep. We also know she can sleep without it as we went away in August for a few nights and forgot to bring it and she slept ok, she woke a couple times a night but no worse than usual. Like your DS shes been in her own room since 16m, never co-slept (and doesn't seem to want to anyway), very rarely woke between the ages of 12 months and 3yrs. It's just the last 6 months.

LemonDrizzles · 10/01/2022 07:16

The supernanny method sounds a lot like the happy sleep method. It's more about not iletting your dictate the night. Yes meet his need ( leave water out on advance, show him how music thing works) but lights out is just that. May be worth having a full look at some of these bedtime methods...

All the best

steppemum · 10/01/2022 07:32

I wonder if this is connected to starting reception.

Even for kids who have been in full time nursery, reception can be a big change. They are often exhausted but at the same time over stimulated. And there can be a lot of underlying anxiety around school that they may not even be aware of.

You are not a shit Mum. Having a child who doesn't sleep is not a result of bad parenting (in most cases) and it is the most exhausting thing.

Could you afford a sleep consultant? My SIL did this when both of hers were being a pain about sleep and it really worked. It cost about £400 though.

Supernanny thing is always my first suggestion, but judging from his reaction, he sounds as if he is more than anything looking for reassurance, and is scared.
In that case he needs the reassurance, and not giving it will leave him more scared.
This age is the age is irrational fears, it is quite common, just exhausting for parents.

I wonder if you could try to get him to self settle while you are there? Prepare him for this, go through what he needs to do to settle, then when you come in get him to snuggle under, turn music etc and then verbally reassure, and leave.

Dancingsmile · 10/01/2022 20:21

Do you think he may be a worrier ?
That he is scared to stay asleep.
Some children worry they are not going to wake up or that something may happen when they are asleep. It could be separation or scared of dreaming.
Sometimes children suppress their worries they have in school and they come out in their safe place - home. He may not understand he is worried and the strangest thing may trigger it , like the bath or sleep.
This could be nothing to do with your sons sleep pattern but I really feel that they could be connected as this is not unusual in children.
If you think it's this it may be useful to get some counselling to help him understand his fears if it continues
2 years is a long time to have anxiety about a bath.

TwittleBee · 10/01/2022 20:24

Just wanted to express solidarity OP. Our 4 year old is the same. We have a HV coming over to offer us advice with other aspects of his behaviour too, could you reach out to yours for advice?

Lotsofpots · 10/01/2022 22:56

@Anythingbutsnow I found one on Amazon which mine are happy to eat: Kids Magnesium Sublingual 90 Tablets (V) for Anxiety, Sleep, Ticks. Vegan Chewable Magnesium Citrate for Children. Made in The UK by Health4All https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B098KG96YQ/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabcP0AG79PCKME3D6NNZK1E??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

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