3 year old bedtime tantrums

[Who021]

Our DS has just turned 3y. Until 2.5y he was a brilliant sleeper, slept through the night from 8 weeks old! We've always followed a pretty straightforward bedtime routine and he just fell asleep when we said goodnight and left the room.

Over the past 6 months things have got progressively worse at bedtime. He is messing around, refusing to lie in bed, constantly getting up, screaming and crying if we leave before he's asleep. He also only wants me and has a massive tantrum if DH tries to settle him.

The only thing that works is me (only me) sitting or lying with him holding his hand until he eventually calms down and falls asleep exhausted. But this can take up to 2 hours until about 8.30/9pm so it is taking up most of the evening and means I can't go anywhere or do anything else and it is pretty draining.

He's had alot of changes in the past 6 months. Younger sibling was born, change of nursery, he moved from cot to normal bed, holidays, Christmas, birthday and now toilet training. He stopped daytime naps when he was 22 months so no recent change there. He has massive parental preference for me despite DH's best efforts and seems very worried about separation from me.

I am obviously willing to do whatever it takes to reassure him and help him sleep. But it seems the more time and attention I give him at bedtime the worse the situation is getting. We've tried leaving him to cry a couple of times but it was 30 mins of hysterical screaming and kicking the stair gate on his bedroom door which was awful to listen to and I really don't want to do it again unless there's no other option!

Thank you if you've read this far. I just wondered if anyone has had similar experiences or any words of advice or reassurance to share?

So what time are you trying to put him to bed, and what time does he wake?
I’m a bit tough love with sleep, I won’t sit for hours sshing - and granted some kids are tougher nuts to crack but persistence. I’d wear him out before bed- scooter, or swim before dinner bath and bed- let him cry (as long as not ill or a danger) and almost sleep train - keep trying to return to bed with minimal communication.
Does have a night light?

Hi, thanks for replying.

We're aiming for bedtime of 7.30ish. He wakes between 7-7.30am. Previously he was always in bed and asleep by 7pm on the dot but now he doesn't seem tired enough so moved it back a bit. We do try to tire him out as much as is possible and to be honest it almost seems worse because then he's overtired. He has a gro clock which also acts as a night light.

My DH's inclination is to use more tough love and leave him to cry and have a tantrum after doing all the usual bedtime routine/reassurances. But I find it really hard to listen to and suppose am doubting whether it's the right thing to do as he already seems to have major separation anxiety from me and don't want to make it worse.

Yeh tbh I’m with your DH- or rather than leave him completely alone I’d insist your partner puts him to sleep- so you know someone is there but breaking his connection to needing you to sleep

I could’ve written this- ds is 3 in March and went from being a dream when it came to sleep, to a bloody nightmare. He’s snoozing in the middle of my bed beside me as I type, as it’s the only way I could get him to consider lying down.

I’m not sure tough love is an option for us- he gets himself into such a state, and I’m concerned that the neighbours will think he’s being mistreated with how loud he screams.

We experienced the same with our dd7. Try and give him melatonin inducing foods before bed...pineapple, banana or milk.

One of us always lies with dd until she falls asleep. As long as she is happy and not distressed

It's good to hear we're not alone though sorry to hear others experiencing it too. I think we got away so lightly with any sleep problems when he was younger that this has kind of crept up on us and now no idea what to do!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think your idea to get tougher about the tantrums with DH is a good first step. At least that would break the association with me but it wouldn't mean leaving DS to get hysterical on his own.

All sleep is a phase, OP. He'll grow out of it in time.

One thing I sometimes do is put on an audiobook and say I'm going to do something (put washing in the machine etc) and I'll be back to check on her in a little while. Go and come back pretty quickly the first time, then gradually lengthen the absence. 'The rabbit who wants to fall asleep' is a good audiobook for this.

Another thing that works for us is 'painting' her face- gently stroke each part of the face and say which colour you're adding. You can do random colours or stars, rainbows and stuff like that, wipe your hand gently over the face to clean it off when you're done and start over.

I also like reading 'the sleep book' by Dr Seuss- it's very long and tends to put them to sleep. You can also tell them 'the story of their day'- just recount the day for them, tends to help them let go.

I don't leave my kids to cry as a rule, but I am strict with not faffing around at bedtime. If she's playing silly beggars I tell her that I have things to do and I'm not wasting my time if she's not even going to try to fall asleep. If she keeps mucking around, I leave the room for a minute or so (well, I used to, she doesn't do it anymore) and come back only if she's going to lie quietly. Lying quietly is a precondition for me staying with her. Also, nightlights should only be red- blue ones keep them awake.

Hope some of this helps!

Thanks for all the good ideas. I think ways to gradually calm him down at bedtime are worth trying, like music or audiobook. Reading a couple of books together used to do the trick but not anymore!

@Who021 I could have written your original post! Have things improved? Any tips?

DRAINED