Please help, at wits end over 18mo sleep and new baby due soon

[Tootiefruitie66]

Really desperate for advice please - my 18mo has never been a brilliant sleeper and I think we may have got into bad habits, but now I am due a new baby in a matter of weeks and my partner and I are at slight loggerheads over how to improve things. He blames me for not being firmer and I am really stressed and panicking about how I will cope with both. He feels we should be doing controlled crying but I really struggle with hearing DC cry although don't know if I just need to be firmer. DC likes me to hold her to sleep which can take half an hour or so. This isn't too much of a problem except that she often wakes in the night and takes ages to go back to sleep (recently even hours). I have resorted to taking her into the spare bed with me but I know I can't keep doing that. We have tried for the last fortnight to stick to her own cot when she wakes but if I go to her she won't let me leave or if I hold her to sleep she wakes the moment I put her down. I've just lost all confidence in what I'm doing and don't know what is best. I feel perhaps my husband is right and we need to do controlled crying to some extent as she is becoming a bit of a diva and very unable to self soothe but then I know some people say it is bad and I just worry about a bad impact. Please can anyone give me advice or advice their experiences. A desperate mumma.

Anyone? Thanks

Just trying one more time. Thanks x

I didn't want to read and run.

I have a one year old who is exactly the same as you describe. I end up with her in my bed but I'm shattered.

My now three year old was exactly the same and it was definitely BF to sleep, which is what I'm doing with my youngest.

With my eldest, we broke the habit by my husband being the one to put her to bed and deal with all wake ups until midnight. She got cross but someone was always with her and holding her and to me, that felt better than leaving her to scream. This eventually led to better sleep patterns for her.

Have been trying the same with one year old for 3 months but it's not making much of an improvement! So I'm also in the market for some advice!

However if you haven't tried your partner putting the baby down to begin with, it's worth a go!

Ooh tricky. 18 months is a notorious sleep regression time so whilst I would generally advise some kind of sleep training, it might be best if you can wait a few weeks .

When is your baby due?

@minipie

Ooh tricky. 18 months is a notorious sleep regression time so whilst I would generally advise some kind of sleep training, it might be best if you can wait a few weeks .

When is your baby due?

I was about to say this. 18 months is the worst I think as you think you've got sleep sussed!

Slightly different but I was still feeding and co sleeping with one when another was born, I found that when baby was born I was automatically firmer at telling little one 'No, in your bed' and they got better pretty quickly at staying in their own bed as they knew something had changed aswell.

I'm in a similar situation, new baby due in March and was having trouble with 17 month old DD. She would fall asleep in her cot after me patting her for up to 45mins, I have been having so much back pain and just can't lean over the cot like that anymore.
She falls asleep way easier with my husband but then wakes up in the night more. He also works shifts so isn't around to do bedtime a lot.
I know some people may judge, but after seeing my parents (and them seeing the bedtime struggle first hand) they told me to give controlled crying a go. I'm currently on day 4.
Day 1 was 45mins of crying, day 2 was 15 and day 3 and 4 have been 7mins then 5 mins.
She has been sleeping through from 7.30 until 6.30 apart from last night when she woke at 5, I gave her a few pats and hung out in her room until she fell back to sleep(no more than 15mins)
We have also gone from 2 naps to one 2hr after lunch nap, yesterday she accidentally has 2 naps(in the car) which I'm pretty sure is why she woke at 5am!
Here's the hard bit ... Yes I feel super guilty and any slight outburst I'm now wondering if it's the new method.
DH wasn't happy about the decision I made to use the Ferber method, but I felt I didn't have many options.

I had the second baby when the first was 11 months. We got the first sleeping through a week before the second was born.
If the other parent sees so clearly how it should have been done, leave the house every day at bedtime and come back once the child is asleep.

Thank you so much all. @minipie I am due in March, and @HotMummaSummer I am due around the same time and can totally relate as it's getting so uncomfortable holding her to sleep and lifting her in and out of the cot. I think I will perhaps try the same as it sounds like you are seeing results. I am so pleased, it must be really encouraging and a relief. Can I ask though, do you literally just leave her crying or do you keep going back in every few minutes for reassurance? I think I would need to do the latter as Id feel too guilty otherwise (although absolutely no judgement to anyone, we are all just doing our best).

I think gentle controlled crying would be worth a go to see how you get on. As op has said, might be easier for your husband to take the lead if you find the crying distressing. You won't harm your child by letting them cry for short periods of time.

Advice from a sleep consultant could be useful.

I have a newborn and a 3 year old (who doesn't have any problems sleeping now) the sleepless nights are a killer and I can only imagine how tired you will be if you have to see to your 18months old as well. I also hadn't remembered how much a newborn doesn't like being put down so trying to rock your 18month old to sleep whilst your newborn wants you is going to be tricky.

Good luck op, hope everything goes well with the new baby ❤️

Hi,
I just wanted to recommend Lyndsey Hookway to you… she’s written a couple of books and has loads of info on her Instagram account. I don’t usually follow parenting stuff online but she’s a researcher on infant sleep as well as a paediatric nurse and everything she advises is evidence based.
You’ve not been soft or got into bad habits. You’ve been an excellent responsive parent to your still very young child. Lyndsey has excellent posts on normal biological sleep behaviour. It might help your husband understand that your 18month old is completely normal and doesn’t need ‘fixing’, so you can perhaps get on the same page. When I was pregnant with my second, my husband gradually took over the nights with my first. It meant he got all the things he needed but I could then concentrate on the second.
Good luck, sounds like you’re doing an excellent job xx

Meant to say - there are also great ideas around habit stacking to change sleep patterns… these are gentle on you & the baby with no crying. No judgement on controlled crying if that’s someone’s choice but there is no ‘gentle’ controlled crying. It’s just controlled crying.

I've done the Ferber method so you go in at timed intervals for reassurance. As soon as I go in my little girl lies down and stops crying so I tell her I love her, it's time to sleep, goodnight. I don't pick her up, just give her some pats on the back, you're not supposed to stay for over 2 mins. Just Google the timings but if you feel uncomfortable doing this method you could also try the "stay and support" where you stay in the same room. The reason I didn't do this is I know my little girl likes to mess around at bedtime. Before trying the Ferber method, I would occasionally leave her to cry for 3 mins as she'd be too playful with me in the room and would only take me seriously after I left for a while, and this would be after 30mins of patting and her sitting up every few mins
We had another wake up last night around 11, my little girl was coughing every few mins in her sleep for over an hour and eventually woke up. I picked her up, offered milk -to which she had a sip and said no, gave calpol and cuddled for a few mins. I then put her back in her cot and stood next to her until she fell asleep.
I haven't actually used the method for the night wake ups but as she was coughing. I think I can only take one crying session a night tbh.
The main thing is I'm not having to lean over the cot for ages!

Thank you so much everyone. I feel much more confident to try this now, really appreciate it. @HotMummaSummer yours sounds just like my little girl. Only trouble is I worry she'd keep standing up putting her arms out for a cuddle but I will give it a go.

@tootiefruitie66 just thought I'd give you an update. My husband did bedtime Monday and Tuesday, he did it his way and stayed in the room for 10mins while she settled.
I thought I'd try and stay in the room when I did bedtime tonight but she kept getting up so I left. Under 2 mins of crying and she settled herself and went to sleep on her own!
I was worried my husband doing it his way would mess with my method, but didn't want to force him to leave her crying. Actually she's fallen asleep quicker tonight, I'm amazed!

[quote HotMummaSummer]@tootiefruitie66 just thought I'd give you an update. My husband did bedtime Monday and Tuesday, he did it his way and stayed in the room for 10mins while she settled.
I thought I'd try and stay in the room when I did bedtime tonight but she kept getting up so I left. Under 2 mins of crying and she settled herself and went to sleep on her own!
I was worried my husband doing it his way would mess with my method, but didn't want to force him to leave her crying. Actually she's fallen asleep quicker tonight, I'm amazed![/quote]
That sounds great! Long may it continue 👏🏻👏🏻