FTM struggling with 14 week old

[Bailey415]

I am really struggling with my 14 week old DD. She was born 5 weeks early and has had a number of minor but consistent issues (jaundice & testing due to prem age for 21 consecutive days, tongue tie, physio for flat head/tight neck, medication for reflux). Her sleep or lack of is the biggest issue for us and I cannot get to the bottom of it, you name it iv tried it! She will not nap in the day time unless in the pram on a walk which can be hit and miss as to whether she'll have a sleep even when out walking for over an hour. If she falls asleep in my arms she's awake within seconds of putting her down. From 6pm onwards she is miserable, cries and screams to the point of choking and eventually I give in and co-sleep something I don't feel comfortable doing. Iv tried bath/bottle/bed at numerous times, massage, infacol, gripe water, raising the crib at one end, my t shirt in the crib for comfort, sleeping bag/swaddle, using Dr Brown bottles and changed her milk to Hipp organic. We have been prescribed gaviscon and omeprazole as I think she has silent reflux but this is more manageable through the day than at night. We have made the personal choice not to give her a dummy and it is something I feel strongly about sticking to however my family and partner are constantly suggesting she has one as it may be our saving grace. I feel less and less supported by my choice but is it something I should give in to if it will help or is it just another stab in the dark at finding a solution? Myself or my partner spend all evening sat in the dark attempting to settle her, i am at the point where I cry every evening feeling at a loss with what else I can do. The sleep deprivation is debilitating.
Is it possible any of this has to do with her being early? Will she need to outgrow the reflux before we can tackle the cosleeping? Should I be attempting some sort of routine/sleep training? Is there anything else that could help!?
It's really getting me down and I worry about PND, I feel she is miserable and I am not gushing over her like I was at first, we've been robbed of any beautiful newborn experience.
Any advice would be appreciated x

My DD suffered horrible reflux (born 4 weeks early) and didn’t sleep either. She’d sleep on me during the day up to 1.5 hours at a time but if I put her down she’d instantly wake so I just let her sleep on me so she wasn’t overtired.

I also didn’t want to use a dummy at first but honestly, it was my saving grace. Dummies are great for reflux.

Things that helped:-

Dummy
White noise
Naps on me during the day

Reflux sucks, it really does. But it does get better, I promise

I would try a sling. Mine is brilliant and dd is so much more settled in a sling than not. I didn’t have one with my first two dds and they were much less happy than dd3. I don’t worry about putting her down for naps as she can nap on me. Personally I also think this settles her and makes her more content even when not in it, and she sleeps really well at night. Although a very happy baby, she does get inconsolable at times but putting her in the sling always calms her.

I feel I have learnt to cope with her being awake and fussy throughout the day, I would say we got maybe a week after coming home from the hospital where she slept in the daytime then it stopped so I don't know much different!
It's the evenings and night time I literally dread now as that's when I'm at my most tired due to never being able to nap through the day.
What should a rough pattern or routine look like by now for a 3 month old?

Ds2 had severe reflux, was under a paediatrician, on prescription formula, slept upright on me during the day until he was 1 year old (SAHM) and was in a propped cot at night.

All this is me leading to the paediatrician told me that the dummy helps them keep their stomach contents in their stomachs. There is loads of research to back this up. I was also told it helps prevent scarring of the oesophagus as the acid doesn't come up as often if they are swallowing down because of the dummy.

Ds2 is now 15, he stopped waking at night with reflux and coming downstairs at 8 years old. So yes, it can go on for quite a while. I co-slept in the day after he turned one until he dropped his naps.

Can you try a dummy and see if it helps?

Oh and yes, I used a sling to carry him round, I had a Mei Tai sling until he was bigger then switched to an Ergo for more structure and carried him on my back until he was 2 1/2 - 3 years old.

At that age I followed wake windows rather than a set routine. I think it’s like 75-120 minutes wake time then down for a nap and she fed every 2.5-3 hours (formula fed).

When you say you changed milk, have you looked into cow's milk protein allergy? Are you now on a dairy and soy free milk?

14 weeks is a difficult time with babies. Although sleep and babies ime is a bit of a battle until about 18 months. 6pm onwards is classic witching hour at this age. It’s well known and does pass eventually,
As for pattern basically they need to be awake about two hours at this age before they need a nap.
Just encourage sleep as much as you can. White noise, arm up swaddles, dummies ( yes I would give her one), slings and swings can be helpful until you’re ready to go up to bed with her

Advantage of a dummy is you can throw it away. Mine both sucked their fingers for comfort, very hard habit to break.

I had a reflux baby.

The one piece of advice I wish I had listened to earlier and would give to you now is please just give your DC a dummy. I was also very against the dummy. But it was a god send.

Other advice is keep going back to the doctors. Ask for the actual cause of the reflux to be investigated. My DS probably had CMPA but it got missed.

I also weaned at 16 weeks on medical advice because of reflux. That made a huge change too (again probably because he had CMPA).

Also, please don't drive yourself insane reading books about how to fix your baby and their sleep routine. I say this from bitter experience.

Learn to work around your DC being awake all of the time and never getting a break.

Don't lie them flat unless it can be avoided. Have them as upright as possible for an hour after a feed.

It took me about a year to get over the anxiety and depression I suffered after having DS1. Please don't make the same mistakes I did. Reach out for help and also be willing to listen to and accept the help offered.

My babies didn't have reflux but they did have allergies and tounge ties that didn't fully resolve with the surgery so were very unsettled. The only way I survived was split shifts with DP he did 8-12 so I could get some rest. Then nap on the weekend whilst he's home. Life literally stops for the first few months and sleep is the priority. I'd give the dummy a go it's not going to do any harm x

Can I ask why you are so against a dummy? You are at the point of crying and feel you have PND but still refuse to try something that is proven to help and smooth babies? Is it really worth the stress you are going through to not try a dummy? Its not the devil, they actually help massively

Bounce her to sleep whilst shushing rhythmically on the birthing ball. May take 20-30 minutes at first. Hold her still for 20 minutes then transfer carefully to her cot.

During the day contact nap, get to sleep by birthing ball.

Stick to recommended wake windows.

Use the Huckleberry app xx

Second the huckleberry app, since I have followed their nap suggestions my 11 week old sleeps so much better both day and night. I used their free trial and I think it’s so useful I am now paying for it, so helpful.

DS was born at 34&1 and had issues with reflux too. A wonderful GP recommended anti reflux milk before embarking on medication (meds would have been given if needed) but this was a game changer for us - as he was then able to keep feeds down, was then getting the calories needed to then sleep. I use the huckleberry app as PP mention and it’s right time wise on naps to about 30 mins but a good guide.
Try to use this, gradually increase milk intake, we use a dummy also and he naps in the pram while walking - sometimes takes 30 mins to get off - or contact naps. It’s hit and miss with putting him down for a nap after being on me. Might be worth doing some contact naps to get some sleep in which will mean better sleep at night and then you get back onto a better pattern. Oh we use Mam anti colic bottles too - the Dr brown never worked for us

Should have said we use aptamil anti reflux milk