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Original poster

Self settling - when will crying stop?&

32 replies

MissMollieO · 11/12/2021 18:57

We have successfully in my opinion broken this cycle of night wakings with my son using controlled crying.

He has now slept through the night for the past couple of weeks and will get himself back to sleep if he wakes with no intervention.

However, even at the beginning of trying this and before we did, he always went to sleep not a problem, no crying or minimal and certainly no screaming.

However now when we put him down he screams and cries up to 40 minutes for every sleep and nap. Usually it's less maybe 15 minutes however I hate seeing him going to bed so upset :(

He used to be put down awake and would roll about it whine for a bit and go to sleep but it seems we have sacrificed that for a whole nights sleep.

Will this ease and get better or will he always cry and scream now :(?

It's heartbreaking listening to him getting himself so upset and feeling like we have abandoned him when he is upset.

OP posts:
Vicky1989x · 11/12/2021 21:43

How old is he OP?

My 19 month old has self-settled since 6 months but every now and then she’ll cry for a while when put down - usually separation anxiety, teething, unwell etc.

Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 10:07

@Vicky1989x he is 13 months :)

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 12/12/2021 10:08

No, it won’t be forever, it will likely be less and less time (and then he will surprise you by it suddenly being loads more time!) Then one day he will just go to sleep right away and that will be that

It’s horrible but it does work

Anoisagusaris · 12/12/2021 10:11

When he realises that no one is ever coming to comfort him and meet his needs, he will just give up. Poor baby, being left to cry to 40 mins. That’s cruel.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/12/2021 10:23

@Anoisagusaris

When he realises that no one is ever coming to comfort him and meet his needs, he will just give up. Poor baby, being left to cry to 40 mins. That’s cruel.
FFS. This is so offensive and untrue.
Daisyv2 · 12/12/2021 10:26

I think I agree with @Anoisagusaris 40 mins is effectively crying it out.

HumunaHey · 12/12/2021 10:31

What do you do when he's screaming and crying for 40mins? I read you're supposed to soothe them with a gentle pat or pick up for a quick cuddle then put then. It lets them know you are there but that they essentially need to properly comfort themselves. If you just leave them crying, they just get worked up and distressed.

sparklytriceratops · 12/12/2021 10:31

We tried this with DC1. After a couple of weeks it wasn't improving and it felt unbelievably cruel. So I switched back to giving him cuddles as soon as he cries before putting him back in bed. He now has a positive association with bedtime and loves it, and sleeps through.

So glad I followed my gut is instinct not to put him through that anymore.

espressomartiniweeny · 12/12/2021 10:33

I'd go in every 5-10 minutes for a quick reassuring cuddle and put back down.

It will stop.

Anoisagusaris · 12/12/2021 10:39

Well I find it offensive to read about a baby being left to scream for 40 mins.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/12/2021 10:46

If it’s controlled crying then the OP is going back in every 5-10 mins to reassure the baby. It’s entirely different from crying it out

Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 12:44

@Anoisagusaris at no point did I say I left him for 40 mins to cry alone!

We go and check in with him every 15 minutes. And also we are doing this on the advice of our HV after months and months of not sleeping and myself and my husband being on the brink of splitting up and to top it off me suffering with PND. But thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 12:48

Yes we are checking in at intervals. We started off 5, 7 and 10 then increased it to 7, 10, 12.

We are now on 15 minute intervals.

We go in put our hand on his chest and say Shhhh it's sleep time. We do find that the more we go in he gets more worked out.

I actually cannot believe the attitude of some people. I asked for others experiences who have tried it. Not comments about how I am being awful to my son.

I have been in consultation with my doctor, HV and a sleep expert as a total last resort.

My son had months of not sleeping and we tried numerous things before this.

He is happy, healthy and certainly not neglected.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 12:52

@Anoisagusaris can you also elaborate on what needs of his are not being met?

He's fed, clean nappy on, bathed, warm, has a comforter, has been massaged, read to, kissed, cuddled and told he is loved before we put him down.

So please tell me what needs I am not meeting?

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 12/12/2021 12:55

To be fair OP you didn't make it clear before your last posts that you went in at intervals, I assumed you meant leaving him alone for 40 minutes too. Could you trial reducing the interval period again and see if that helps? Could just be a phase, mine will fall asleep on her own no trouble usually but every so often will need to be held (and then be fine again on her own a few days later). She currently likes to wake up at 4.30am which I am not a fan of! Sleep is different for them all which makes it really difficult to know what to do for the best Flowers

Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 12:57

@KatieKat88

Will maybe try reducing the intervals again.

It's so strange as I said he used to go down not a problem. And when he is crying he isn't even up or standing and half the times his eyes are closed so he is definitely tried.

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 12/12/2021 13:17

Worth a try at least! Hopefully it's just a weird phase. Has anything changed recently at night (e.g. it's darker than usual, he can hear the heating kicking in and it makes the pipes make a weird noise, change in bedtime routine)? Although you can tie yourself up in knots sometimes trying to find a rational reason for something that's just based on emotion and therefore not rational!

ShirleyPhallus · 12/12/2021 14:23

To be fair OP you didn't make it clear before your last posts that you went in at intervals, I assumed you meant leaving him alone for 40 minutes too.

But that’s not what controlled crying is so why would anyone assume the OP had just shut the door and left her baby alone that whole time?

OP, I get it, it’s horrible being sleep deprived to the point where it’s seriously affecting you. MN holier-than-thou judgement on the top would make me want to scream at everyone to do one (but using ruder words)

I’d stay consistent, the thing with baby sleep is that the improvement isn’t linear, so one day they might be doing really well and the next day it seems they’ve regressed. As long as the general trend is upwards then you’re doing the right thing.

We found that if our DD was lying down and crying, she was almost asleep and going in would disturb her so we’d sometimes lengthen the pop-ins, whereas if she was standing or sitting up we knew to go in. Just stay consistent, do what you’re doing and maybe keep a diary of wake up times / pop ins so you can see what progress you’re making

Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 14:43

@ShirleyPhallus

Yeah that's what we've been doing. Is he is lying down we've been leaving him for longer periods as he is obviously tired.

Prior to trying the controlled crying he was awake for 4-5 hours during the night screaming with us with him. fighting to get away from us etc etc. I took a video to show my gp who was also of the opinion he was massively overtired and actually advised dark room, white noise and being left to settle as going in and picking up just causes more stimulation and lengthens the process.

She was of the opinion that not enough sleep is more damaging developmentally and physically than crying for short periods.

Thanks for the constructive and supportive comments unlike some of the other comments.

OP posts:
sallywinter · 12/12/2021 15:12

Teeth? My baby is a similar age and is just getting pre molars, had an awful few weeks of sleep - the pain seems to get into her ears. She’s needed lots and lots of cuddles and support, it’s gradually improving.

Original poster
MissMollieO · 12/12/2021 15:14

@sallywinter very well could be teeth.

He's had rosy cheeks a few nights and even given calpol just incase.

I'm dreading the molars !!

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 12/12/2021 22:14

@ShirleyPhallus

To be fair OP you didn't make it clear before your last posts that you went in at intervals, I assumed you meant leaving him alone for 40 minutes too.

But that’s not what controlled crying is so why would anyone assume the OP had just shut the door and left her baby alone that whole time?

OP, I get it, it’s horrible being sleep deprived to the point where it’s seriously affecting you. MN holier-than-thou judgement on the top would make me want to scream at everyone to do one (but using ruder words)

I’d stay consistent, the thing with baby sleep is that the improvement isn’t linear, so one day they might be doing really well and the next day it seems they’ve regressed. As long as the general trend is upwards then you’re doing the right thing.

We found that if our DD was lying down and crying, she was almost asleep and going in would disturb her so we’d sometimes lengthen the pop-ins, whereas if she was standing or sitting up we knew to go in. Just stay consistent, do what you’re doing and maybe keep a diary of wake up times / pop ins so you can see what progress you’re making

I think it's just because OP didn't mention how often she went back in during her initial post and that it was 40 minutes of screaming and she felt like she'd abandoned him so it sounded like no intervention, so it was easy to confuse with CIO despite saying CC. You're always going to get strong opinions with sleep (and posters flying off the deep end one way or another). I agree that there were some OTT comments but I just said I could understand why someone would jump to that conclusion as it sounded that way to me too before OP clarified. I don't think some comments from other posters were justified though and never said that.

Hope you're having a better night OP, teeth were hell here!

Original poster
MissMollieO · 13/12/2021 05:59

@KatieKat88

Last night we tried just giving him some extra time or being held before he was put down.

To be honest he was shattered having only had one nap yesterday so he conked out in no time.

The guide we are following says to put down awake so we've always been wary of letting him drift off in our arms but we will just need to trial it.

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 13/12/2021 06:49

@MissMollieO at the very least you've had a nicer one which is great, just for the respite of it!

I didn't even think about naps - you might be in the nap transition and that can mess up bedtime too. Some move to one nap at this point (mine was more like 16/17 months old but i think that was later than most) so messing about with naps could help. Did he sleep through as well? Again, it could just be a short phase and then he'll want two naps again or a sign that he's ready for the move to just one nap. Parenting is such a fun guessing game Hmm

Capricopia · 14/12/2021 01:50

15 mins is quite a long time to leave a crying baby - I would go in more regularly so he knows you’re nearby and he can rely on you responding to him.