I hate my life, please help

[Whywontitname]

I posted a bit ago about the 4 month regression that went on for 2 months.

It improved for about 2 weeks, he took a dummy and then it’s nose dived again.

Baby is 6 and a half months, I can’t put him down. Not been to sleep yet tonight. He just wakes up. He was rolling over so he’s in the sleepyhead which helped for a bit but now it’s just as bad. The most I get is 20 min sleep which takes hours to get. He’s fine asleep held.

Shall I stop breastfeeding? He’s not hungry you can rock him quickly to sleep as he’s tired.

I don’t want to just leave him to cry but I’m at my wits end. I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown it’s just torturous. I’m so tired all the time I hate my life. My partner helps but half a nights broken sleep isn’t enough for either of us.

I really need some help, how can I make him skip even a few hours at a take in his own bed?

I don’t want to co sleep as it really hurts my back and I can’t sleep because of the pain anyway

Either you find a way to co sleep comfortably, or you hire a sleep consultant. That level of sleep deprivation is torture

You poor thing, that just sounds terrible!

May not be a popular opinion but at 6 months we sleep trained my DS and over the course of a week he went from waking almost every 45 mins to just one wake up a night.

We didn't do controlled crying (although I'm not against this) but did the disappearing chair method and moved him into his own room. Took longer to see results than CC but preferable to us as DS didn't get as upset.

I wouldn't be able to function on that little sleep and I also felt at the time that so many wake ups were affecting my DS. Once he got good chunks of sleep overnight he was also noticeably happier during the day.

You have my sympathies OP!

I'm not surprised you're feeling crap - that sounds horrendous and by 6 months it definitely doesn't need to be like that. Physiologically he has the capability of sleeping through so considering sleep training might be worthwhile. As others have said, perhaps consider a sleep consultant to guide you through the process and give you confidence to stick with it? I have never managed to co-sleep either due to back ache, so understand why that isn't an option for you.

Just to have in the back of your mind as well, 4-6 months pp is the most common time for PND to develop. Might be worth a chat with your GP if you think this could be the case. Really hope things improve for you.

I did CC with all of my babies. Yes it's hard listening to them cry but if you do it absolutely properly it lasts for 3 nights tops and after that they slept through and self settled. Much happier in the daytime too.

My babies were all in their own rooms at 4 months though and were bottle fed. Never ever had them in bed with me. All late teens now.

Thanks guys. I feel like all I do is read about sleep while I can’t sleep in an effort to improve it. I’ve been given a plan for it by someone I know who got a sleep consultant etc it’s just not seeming to improve! Can anyone recommend a sleep consultant?

I feel guilty as he’s lovely in the day but I’m just a zombie so can’t enjoy it. Feel like I keep waiting for it to get better but it gets worse!

It’s just torture isn’t it?! We’re just coming out of three weeks of now 10 week old DS only sleeping in our arms. I’m not sure what I’ll do if this carries on for months, as it is leaching all the joy out of life. We have a 3 year old too, who has given us our fair share of sleepless nights.

What does your bedtime routine look like? Do you have white noise and a dark room for bedtime? Is he falling asleep in the bedroom?

Last night DH and I agreed we’d stick to a ‘pick up put down’ approach so we wouldn’t hold DS asleep endlessly but would settle him and return him to the cot over and over. Only feeding if it had been longer than three hours rather than it being default to offer. Worth a try if you haven’t already.

I found co sleeping gave me backache as I held myself in a funny position but I once I figured out to out a pillow behind me for support it was much better! Could you try that?

Can you ask your GP for Melatonin? Our DS was prescribed to is and it was life-changing. It’s all natural, too.

OP, as previous posters have suggested, can you talk us through your bedtime routine and what you do when he wakes and perhaps we can make some suggestions as I think most will have found some success in one method or another of sleep training?

Be aware that a sleep consultants guide for one baby won't necessarily work for another as usually the parent will have spent weeks filling in a very detailed diary of what their child does and doesn't do on which the guide is then based.

I would perhaps search online locally to see if there is a recommended sleep consultant near you?

@Jacaranda75

Can you ask your GP for Melatonin? Our DS was prescribed to is and it was life-changing. It’s all natural, too.

I'm not sure if you're in the UK but melatonin isn't recommended for under 3s as it is considered 'normal' for children under that age to have issues with sleep and a GP will almost certainly suggest a change in environmental factors or a chat with health visitor instead. However brutal that is on the non sleeping parent!

Same as pp cosleeping used to hurt my back until I got the right position for us now I'm more comfortable holding her! It's definitely saved my sanity as she would wake after 5 minutes as a newborn. Hope you find something that works for you!

My second did this to me for almost a year. I was on my knees. I felt suicidal at times.

I was so against controlled crying, heavily influenced by the screams of how evil it is from places like mumsnet.

Eventually my mum told me her best friends daughter had a sleep expert in to help because she was going to kill her lad if he didn’t sleep, and they did CC together. She and he whole family had been tortured for nearly three years. It took 4 nights to fix.

I decided to give it a go. It was that or leaving home.

My boy took one really terrible night and one bad night then he started sleeping like a normal baby. Occasionally waking if he needed something, going to sleep reasonably easily.

He’s nearly 10 now and is an excellent sleeper.

I won’t lie, it was hell for those few nights I did the CC, but long term, it saved us all. If you decide to do I, I would happily talk you through it and hold your hand doing it. You do need support.

Doing CC is very tough, you will feel like you are evil and you have to be strong. But when a lavender bath and a massage ain’t cutting it, sometimes you have to take drastic measures. And I for one firmly believe those saying CC is evil/cruel/abuse should just sit down and be quiet.

Until you’ve lived it you know nothing about what we experienced and how far on the edge we are. We’re talking about zero sleep, there’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture method.

Oh God that’s tough. First kid, cc saved us. Second kid co-sleeping did.

I used a sleep consultant called sleepy moonkeeper - her website now is sleepdreamsbaby.com. I actually used her twice, first to help with my then 11m old (I think - its a bit of a blur!) and then again to help with my 4yo. It's like having a personal trainer. You don't necessarily get told something you haven't read / don't already know, but your routine is tweaked and you get spotted all the way through. She does advocate controlled crying, depending on age, but if you say you're not prepared to do that then she will come up with something else. Personally she saved my sanity and marriage and gave us much happier babies. Especially after 1yr of serious issues with my 4yo.

I did do controlled crying by the way. Myself I think it's less cruel than stringing them along patting less, cuddling for less time, moving the chair further way kind of things. They learn to settle in their cot. We didn't have much crying and I think that's because boogie had sorted out our day time routine first. Obviously I can't prove that.

Ok, let's work through what you have tried.

White noise? Change of temperature? No bath before bed, bath before bed? Etc.

But before you try anything is there anyone that would take the baby for a night and let you get some sleep? For example, if this was my sister, I'd totally write a weekend off for her and her partner to let them get some sleep. Now is the time to ask. Re-set, get some sleep and tackle things when you're feeling a bit better? Even in the day time so you can sleep all day?

I'm a huge fan of the saying sleep begets sleep. What's the baby's nap routine like?

I really feel for you. I know this feeling.

I would recommend www.theparentandbabycoach.com/

Her podcast on the 4 month sleep regression really hit the nail on the head for us so then we took the plunge and paid for her program. There was nothing groundbreaking in it but it really gave us more confidence and knowledge to make a change.

Did cc when ds was 8.5 months, it only took 3 months to fix !
He's 7 years old now and still gets up and comes into my bed , but doesn't disturb me now lol

I had 3 under 3 .I had to have a routine ,or they would of broke me
First night out from hospital for each of them and straight in to the routine of bath ,at 6 pm ,feed at 7 pm then bed …I read them to sleep from day one ,just children’s books I already had .with low light ,no noise .
I stuck to that routine religiously
As they got to 6 months they had weetabix before bed so supper after an early tea .
I appreciate women wean later now ,but my babies were big babies and doctor advised food to introduced at 4 months
Golden rule ,never put them down to sleep hungry .
They woke in the night ,I fed them and keeping lights low and everything quiet got them back to sleep ASAP.
I had all mine sleeping through from around 4 months with just one night wakening for milk.
It did mean we never went anywhere of an evening ,because I wasn’t prepared to disturb their routine,but they were very happy contented babies .plus I know I can’t manage on no sleep.
My 3rd child ,first night home from hospital,first bath was in with the other 2 ..they all just accepted the routine and knew what to expect,so knew when it was time to sleep .
Just try tonight ,supper ,bath ,bed at 7 ..and try holding childs hand through bars of cot while you read to them .good luck x

I remember being strict with naps as well ,so no falling asleep late afternoon.
Always a 2 hour nap early afternoon, or sometimes a couple of one hour cat naps in morning and afternoon,but never past 3 pm.
Plenty of fresh air and a food routine in the day of snacks and meals and regular playtimes .I probably was quite militant about everything,but with 3 under 3 I had to be .they do come to expect the daytime routine,as much as the nighttime routine,it gives them comfort and security

I always always always ,slept when they did in the day ,and sometimes went to bed as soon as I had got them to sleep at night ,housework got done ,when it got done

Omg typo - it took 3 NIGHTS to fix

While you work out what approach works best for you, can you try going to bed with baby at 7 or whatever and your partner deals with him till 12. Then you switch. A few nights of a decent stretch of unbroken sleep will help you with a new routine

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and help it feels a lot better knowing others have had similar problems! I just feel so hopeless and awful during the night.

So at the moment bedtime routine is food at 5.30 (he’s started weaning about 3 weeks ago and is enjoying everything, maybe I should switch this to weetabix as a supper?)

Then we have a bath at 6, this is only every other day though as he has eczema so I was told not to bath too often, followed by massaging his cream in, low lit room and a new nappy and pjs on.

Then we go upstairs and have low light book/quiet play and then into his sleeping bag, white noise on some milk then sleep, I tend to feed him in the dark and when he comes off he might be half asleep/asleep so I’ll pop his dummy in, he has white noise on throughout the night.

A couple of weeks ago he could sleep 7-11 and if he woke I’d just pop his dummy back in and he’d be asleep again/get himself back off but he seems to be actually waking up distressed and crying.

I hadn’t had the putting him down issue since he was a newborn but it’s started again, thing is last night when he did sleep for 2 hours (the best stretch he’s had in ages) I’d put him down and just held his hand as he wasn’t upset/crying till he fell asleep which makes me think something is bothering him?

He’s on 2 meals a day as we’ve only just started weaning but should I up it? The health visitor said one but to be honest I’ve lost all faith in them I need practical advice not just “soothe him another way”