Need a handhold

[Bookishnerd]

Morning.
I’m in need of a handhold this morning.
My gorgeous baby has struggled with sleeping since he hit the dreaded four month sleep regression. He’s 19 months now.

We tried some gentle sleep training at 8 months, just patting and shushing, which worked wonders with minimal/no resistance, but it stopped working when he could pull himself up to standing.

Cry it out isn’t for us, so we’ve been muddling through on whatever works at the time.

The issue at the minute is that he wakes at about 1am and cannot get back to sleep for hours. My husband and I both work, but he works shifts so is less available to help (though he does his bit).

The last few weeks have been absolute torture. DS has been waking intermittently every 30 mins or so, pulling himself up in the cot. We’ve taken to sleeping on a floor mattress next to the bed to help keep him calm and get back to sleep. Usually holding his hand helps.

I’m miserable at work and feel like I’ve been overlooked and demoted since having a baby - it’s hard to prove people wrong when I’m exhausted and not at my best.

Anyway, tonight, it was really really bad. A 12am wake up and I’m still awake at 3am. After the 100th stand up in his cot, I just totally lost my cool and said ‘Lie DOWN’. The last bit was shouted. My poor wee DS was so shocked and scared at the shouting that he screamed and screamed. I felt awful. I went in to get my husband and ended up on the floor shaking and crying.

I was abused as a child - physically and emotionally - and I’m hyper sensitive to upsetting my child or scaring him in anyway. I do not feel like a good mother right now. I frightened him! He’s so lovely and it’s not his fault. I struggle with sleep too so I understand that it’s hard to get to sleep.

I just feel like I’m failing at everything. Bit of a handhold required tonight, for those who are up

Don’t beat yourself up OP, sleep deprivation is no joke. It has serious impacts on your mental health as well as physical health.

You’re too accessible to him. You’re always there and I know that’s the point but this is the result. Not all cry it out is extreme. I think you need to reconsider.

Hi @LadyCampanulaTottington, and thank you.

I’ve had similar advice, but i suppose I’m reluctant to follow it. I’ve typed this in three different ways now and deleted it because it sounds wanky, but basically I feel like I’m too empathetic and I feel his distress deeply.

I want to be there for my baby. I don’t want to ever make anyone feel how I felt growing up. But I also know that I’m not doing a good job right now. I erupted and frightened a poor defenceless child. It was only one shout but still. The look in his eyes was awful and he wouldn’t come to me for a cuddle after I woke his dad up to help me.

I’m a terrible human

You’re not a terrible human. You sound like a brilliant mum and are trying your best. You must be exhausted. Your LO knows you love him.

Infant sleep is all about opinion. People will tell you what worked for them but you need to do what feels right for you and your family. There are tonnes of sleep coaches on Instagram dishing out advice, find one that fits with your ethos and follow their tips. I promise you’re not alone.

Hiya,
I can completely empathise with where you are right now.
My childhood had some very dark times due to mum’s poor mental health, and I was determined my daughter wouldn’t have same.
I’ve really struggled this week. Today I cried over decorating the Christmas tree. She hugged me and asked if I was ok - she’s 5. Broke my heart. I don’t want this for her. So I am awake at 3, worrying about what I’ve done to her.

I think in your case your inability to manage that situation the way you wanted to has a clear cause- exhaustion. I am totally on board with the idea if not wanting to harm your child, but actually this level of sleep deprivation is bad for all of you. Can you speak to a sleep consultant about how to do this gently? You need a plan.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. The difference between tonight and your childhood- you know you don’t want to parent through fear (not that one isolated episode is).

OP don't be too hard on yourself

Can your partner help more? I know you say he works shifts but I think as mothers we always end up doing more and you need sleep too.

Oh thank you everyone.

Just for an update: my DS was lovely this morning and he had clearly forgotten all about my outburst.

I was so ashamed of myself that I really tried very hard to stay calm today. I did a good job.

But I’m still so ashamed of myself. I’m so tired and so angry with myself for losing my cool.

My husband and I often say to each in the night, 'he's crying because he too wants to be asleep!'

It's a small thing, but it makes us feel like we're all trying to do the same thing rather than him trying to torture us with sleep deprivation!