Advice Needed : Sleepless 3 year old ...

[Phonicsangel]

Hello ... I have a 3yr old who doesn't know how to send himself back to sleep & doesn't like being on his own . He still has a sleep during the day otherwise he would fall a sleep near tea time which then results in him being awake still at 9.30 i have to sit with him while he plays with my hair & i read a book .. ( As he doesn't like the dark ) & eventually will fall asleep .. up to an hour some nights! He will then be awake by 11.30 which again i will sit with him until he falls asleep again ! & will wake 45mins after that & then will come in to our bed .. He seems afraid of everything the dark , attic hatch , airing cupboard .. Cant move to other room . I have to wear a certain top to put him to sleep otherwise sends him into a frenzy .. I don't like to leave him to cry & never have & have tried various ways to get him to go to bed independently but nothing seems to work .. I believe his fears are genuine & not an act..

Advice needed please as this is now getting tiring for him & me ...

I presume you'll be expecting a response from someone who has been through a similar problem to yourself and has come out of it the other end with some useful tips. I'm not that person unfortunately - I have had 3 children, but they have all slept through the night from around 4 months (they are now 8, 6 and 2). If I'd just had one child you might have thought I'd had luck on my side, but to have had 3 really good sleepers can't be a fluke...can it?

My thoughts are that somewhere along the way there needs to be some pain involved for both of you...no pain no gain and all that. Even at a very small age I left my children to cry themselves to sleep and I fear that unless your child gets through this barrier nothing will change.

I think you have 2 problems though - the actual getting to sleep routine and the going in to light sleep and waking up. I think each needs to be dealt with seperately and perhaps one at a time. I would deal with the light sleep problem first as I think this is the easiest. For this I really think that when he wakes up you need to reassure him (briefly) you are there and then just leave him to cry himself to sleep. If the crying is really bad I would probably go back in every 10 minutes increasing the gap by 5 minutes gradually. This will be a horrible time, but I think worth it in the end.

I haven't time to talk about the getting to sleep problem, but I would crack the light sleep problem first. Hope it goes well. Take comfort in that you are not the only person out there suffering from this sort of problem. I also went through it, but mine were less than 6 months old, so the pain wasn't as great. It really is worth it though. Good luck. x

Thanks for your advice.. I struggle to leave him to cry! always have ( hence the problems ) but i think i need to toughen up abit & leave him for a short while like you said & gradually build up the time . See how we go ..

Thanks again.

The only thing that worked with my DD was being really firm and preparing her for the fact that she HAD to go to bed at a certain time, and then counting down to that time. "OK, so we have 20 minutes before you need to go to bed, what do you want to do in those 20 minutes BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?" (repeat repeat repeat). For some reason it worked and I have to say that she rarely ever now disputes the fact that she has to go to bed, or questions the time that I expect her to be in bed by. (She even explains to friends when they come round that they have to go now as she has to go to bed!)

HOWEVER, she does expect me to lie with her until she drops off, which I don't actually have a problem with, if it means that she feels more secure about things.

P.S. She sleeps for 13 hours a night. Before I tried this approach with her, I'd be lucky if she slept for 7!

hey there,
I had problems too leaving my son to get to sleep, but then, if I did stay he would just chat away all night, so that had to stop anyway! Have you thought about trimming his nap down? Maybe experiment and see how much he needs to see him through to bed time. What time is bedtime? Another thing you could think about is bringing that forward to ease the shorter nap time. Gradually pushing it later as he gets older.
The fear thing is horrible, I know, my 3 year old has it at times too. What I found useful is he watched a tweenies video with edie the dream genie, who shows the tweenies that the monsters are just shadows etc so if he sees anything then we talk about that. Then I tell him that I have special anti monster alarms all over the house, so if any monsters are silly enough to come in (they are scared of mummies, as we bop them on the nose and throw them out) then the alarm goes off. If the alarm hasn't gone off then it must be imaginary monsters, just like edie the dream genie showed the tweenies.
A bit convoluted, but it usually works
I reckoned that just saying it's just his imagination when his imaginatio0ns is sooo vivid was a bit harsh.
One final idea (I promise to end this thesis soon!) could be to let him decide on a bedtime routine, and then make him stick to it. Of course you'll need to adapt and change it from time to time, but if you have the routine it sign posts bedtime, and when the monemt comes you can say "we've done a, b, and c and now its rest time" or whatever works for you. I say something like "now I give you a kiss and a cuddle and say good night... I'll check on you in ..." (I say an hour cause I know he'll be asleep but I promise him he can get up if he is still awake, and that deals with the "but I'm not tired mummy!"
Hope some of this helps! Good luck!

hey there,
I had problems too leaving my son to get to sleep, but then, if I did stay he would just chat away all night, so that had to stop anyway! Have you thought about trimming his nap down? Maybe experiment and see how much he needs to see him through to bed time. What time is bedtime? Another thing you could think about is bringing that forward to ease the shorter nap time. Gradually pushing it later as he gets older.
The fear thing is horrible, I know, my 3 year old has it at times too. What I found useful is he watched a tweenies video with edie the dream genie, who shows the tweenies that the monsters are just shadows etc so if he sees anything then we talk about that. Then I tell him that I have special anti monster alarms all over the house, so if any monsters are silly enough to come in (they are scared of mummies, as we bop them on the nose and throw them out) then the alarm goes off. If the alarm hasn't gone off then it must be imaginary monsters, just like edie the dream genie showed the tweenies.
A bit convoluted, but it usually works
I reckoned that just saying it's just his imagination when his imaginatio0ns is sooo vivid was a bit harsh.
One final idea (I promise to end this thesis soon!) could be to let him decide on a bedtime routine, and then make him stick to it. Of course you'll need to adapt and change it from time to time, but if you have the routine it sign posts bedtime, and when the monemt comes you can say "we've done a, b, and c and now its rest time" or whatever works for you. I say something like "now I give you a kiss and a cuddle and say good night... I'll check on you in ..." (I say an hour cause I know he'll be asleep but I promise him he can get up if he is still awake, and that deals with the "but I'm not tired mummy!"
Hope some of this helps! Good luck!

Hi.. Thanks for tips ! Does yr DD wake up at all ? If so do you lie with her again until she falls back to sleep? I agree i don't like to leave them if they are insecure! At the moment i spend anything to 1 - 2 hrs with him to get him to sleep which i have presents to wrap and no child free time . think that's why i'm feeling it at the mo and also he is getting so run down and tired it's affecting his whole day .

Thanks DD05 .. I will look for the tweenies video as we have a lot of shadows & monsters .. & the alarm is a great idea . Bedtime starts at 8 & eventually i'm down 9-45pm wakes several times & then comes in to bed with us & sleeps right through then .. If i get out of bed he will wake (pain if DD2 wakes up as he follows me ) I think i really need to think what would work with him. on rare occasions i have said just locking up check you in a while & he will stay for 10 mins & then will come looking for me ! other occasions he will literally wait for me if i keep on telling him go back to bed never falls asleep on his own .. Some great ideas which i could work with thanks.

I had the horrid no sleep problem. my health visitor suggested the minimal contact solution. It worked, but I spent the first 3 nights sat on the floor outside his bedroom sobbing my heart out because I was a cruel cruel mother for letting him cry like that. The problem you have is that at 3 yrs old he can climb out of bed and come to you.
Is there a night light in the room?
I do like dingdong's solution, because mummy's are the best monster scarers in the world.
How much does she understand about Santa not coming unless the child is asleep. You could try telling her the 'shadows' are Santa checking on her, but because she is awake he can't leave her pressies yet.

We have the hall lamp on with door ajar & he has a lamp in his room.. Not too sure if the idea of santa coming soon makes him wary that someone is coming into the house that he doesn't know.. Even though it's a nice thing . Good to hear though that after 3 horrid nights that it works . I did try the put back approach for 2 nights & gave in as he had more stamina than me .. 246 trips the first night for 2 hrs sleep .. I need to be stronger & stick to something .
Glad to hear of other tales of sleep problems as everyone i know doesn't have a problem . Thanks

P.S. Hot water bottles (very careful!), a warm drink before bed, and toilet before bed have also been invaluable!