Should I be "sleep training"?

[zarapenny]

My baby wakes every hour of the night at 7 months and I’m exhausted. I obviously signed up for no sleep by having a baby and I’m under no illusion that a baby waking in the night is completely normal or just a phase but I've been led to believe by various sources that I should be "sleep training". Wtf? She's not a dog. I'd never even heard of this but now I’m worried at this age that she isn’t getting enough sleep or the opportunity to learn to get back to sleep on her own.

It has made me feel shit that as her Mummy, I don’t know why she’s waking up so much. She’s on 2 meals a day and breastfeeds a million times during the day so I’m pretty sure it can’t be hunger (can it?!) but the only thing that settles her is a feed. If I try to settle her any other way, she screams and thrashes around clawing at my chest. My partner tries to settle her but she gets too upset for my liking. I’ve tried just leaving them to it but I can’t bear her crying so I intervene and she stops as soon as I walk in the room.

Are we doing something wrong? I haven't read any baby books or anything like that (neither has my daughter) and I maybe naively thought that breastfeeding her whenever she wanted was the right thing to do.

Now I feel like I’m at a cross roads and I don’t know what to do for the best for her - do I stay with feeding her to sleep every time she wakes or should I be trying to settle her with other methods as she can’t be hungry? Has anyone else been through this? The thought of not giving her what she wants to settle seems so against my instincts because she’s so tiny and doesn’t understand but I’m worried that I’m doing something wrong by pretty much using my breast as the answer to everything!

Nope. Completely normal. Someone will undoubtedly come along and yell your theory sanity and sleep was more important and dress it up as "baby needs a good.nights sleep too" but truth is they're biologically hardwired to wake regularly to ensure care givers are still there.

My youngest has just started going down for naps without boob and falling asleep after boob and in his cot at night at 20 months. His language understanding means I can simply explain what is happening and he isn't confused or scared. He now only wakes once in the night, has a very quick feed before going back to his cot with a kiss and a cuddle.

She’s waking up because she isn’t joining her sleep cycles together. You can wait for her to do that on her own or give her a gentle push, up to you.
At 7 months my daughter woke at least 8 times a night and often more. The first day of no-cry training with the gradual retreat she woke twice, the second once, a week later zero. For me, as it was no-cry, it seemed worth a try, but it’s fine not to feel the same.

The "problem" is that she cannot sleep without a feed. If she doesnt learn to fall asleep without the crutch of the feed, then every time she stirs, she will seek the breast.

I put problem in speech marks as it's only a problem if it's a problem for you.

If you are happy with the status quo, then crack on and ignore others. But if you want to change it, then it's all about getting rid of her crutch.

I never sleep trained, it went against all my instincts as a parent to not give my baby care when they needed me, even if there 'need' was just a cuddle and some comfort. At 2yo DD still wakes once in the night and is fed back to sleep, older DS started sleeping through just before 3.

So basically it's not mandatory to sleep train if you don't want, they do get there on their own. But I'm not going to sugar coat the fact it is a long road, which is fine as long as your fine with it. For me it was very much like you said, I knew what I was singing up for when I had a baby, so I just got on with it.

Should have said, for the last year of older DC's night waking, he'd stopped breastfeeding and just needed a cuddle. So I don't think is was a feeding 'crutch'.

Sounds like boob has become a sleep crutch so every time she stirs she needs it to go back to sleep. However, it’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you. If you want to get more sleep then yes that would be sleep training and there are many different methods ranging from gentle encouragement to full on crying. Do whatever works best for your family.

There is no should; as @CherryRedDMs says she isn’t joining her sleep cycles and its either wait it out or give a little help.
When I had my first baby I used to say I’d never sleep train BUT she was a relatively ok sleeper then I had my DS who at 6 months was still waking every hour and I felt like I was going to have a breakdown so I sleep trained with as little crying as possible.

Only if you want to.

I always fed my son to sleep, he learned to fall asleep without it just fine. I think the problem here is how often OPs baby is waking up, not how she gets him back to sleep.

Personally, I implore you not to take something away that works. If she falls asleep quickly feeding then carry on feeding to sleep. You'd be crazy not to IMO!

You might be able to help her join her sleep cycles during the day/evening when you're awake. If you know she wakes after 60 minutes, loiter at 58 minutes and get ready to pounce with stroking/shushing/white noise/a lullaby. And of course, Ollie the Owl (or alternatives!) can help you do the same overnight.

Oh and this.... but I’m worried that I’m doing something wrong by pretty much using my breast as the answer to everything!

You're definitely not doing anything wrong!

Depends on whether you can take the endless sleepless nights. Your baby needs to learn how to join sleep cycles and go longer. Breastfeeding every time baby wakes is not going to solve the problem.

Thank you for all the comments and reassurance that I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s so good to know that it’s not necessarily required. Honestly the people I’ve chatted to have made me feel like it’s inevitable so I felt pretty stupid when I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. I just thought she would sleep through the night when she was ready. It didn’t occur to me that I would have to teach her how to. That probably makes me sound so clueless! I guess I am!

I don’t think I’m at breaking point just yet. I keep thinking of things we could try but then I also think 1) what if it makes no difference, 2) if we do nothing it could change anyway because it might just be a phase and 3) if we do something and it does improve, there’s no guarantee that it will stay that way. Anyway I’m rambling.

I’m thinking of maybe expressing some milk for Dad to do the night time feed or letting Dad take over when I’ve fed her. I know she’ll cry and it’ll be heartbreaking but if I don’t let them crack on & find their own way of doing bedtime will she ever settle for her Dad? If I try that and she does scream her little head off, will that be damaging to her in any way and make her think that when she cries I won’t come to her?

@CheeryRedDMs what is the no crying gradual retreat please? I’m happy to give something a go if it means no crying.

If she falls asleep on the nipple probably better to start by taking her off as she falls asleep for a week or two so she’s less dependent on sucking to sleep (you just gently break the seal at the corner of the mouth with your little finger. She will wake up the first few times so don’t do it when you really need her to sleep).
Then you start out by lying her down, cuddling, soothing, talking, waiting for her to fall asleep on her own. It might take an hour the first time but it speeds up. Then each three days, you move further away and get quieter, e.g. cuddling but not talking, then close but not touching, then sitting in view but not close.
This didn’t work with my second because he was disturbing his sister so I did it on my bed, moving further away every 3 days, worked just as well.
Basically if they fall asleep on their own they are much more likely to start the next sleep cycle without waking up.

@CherryRedDMs thanks for the advice. I did try something similar last night. I fed her as usual but then when I could tell she'd stopped feeding, I popped her off and tried to settle her by shushing and patting etc. but she just cried and was trashing around rooting at my chest. I'm not sure how I can make it work as "no cry" if she's just going to cry every time. Do I just let her cry and continue trying to settle by shushing etc?

I have 5 children some slept like logs some were wakeful. I’d guess she’s a bit hungry or gets cold. (Nb with babies “a bit hungry” is a tablespoon more not tons). Try giving her a little milky cereal at bedtime and ignore the people who think they know how to fix your baby, they just got a sleepy one.

Solidarity at 7 months here too, I feel you with the crying when you try to settle in other ways. I'm amazed by these babies who seem to settle with a pat or a shush. Mine just screws her eyes up and wails, not interested in anything else.

I try to remember it's biologically normal, she has a lot going on with starting solids, teething, attempting to crawl etc, not to mention chilly nights and winter bugs disturbing things.

I cope with bedsharing and knowing it's not constant that she wakes every hour so she can link her cycles sometimes. I also try to remember she'll absolutely be able to sleep when she's older and no other mammals need to sleep train. I saw a friend yesterday with a similar aged baby who also has older kids and she was so relaxed about it all as she knows it will get better in time, made me feel a lot a better.

So try different things if that makes you feel productive, I try settling in her cot every night and occasionally it works but I'm not going to stress if it doesn't. Let's just appreciate our boobs sleep inducing powers instead!

Yep DS sleep was crap at that age, and, to be honest, til I extremely gently nightweaned about 21 mo but now, age 4 yo, crikey, a bomb wouldn't wake him mostly and although he faffs about after lights out, he does go to sleep by himself.
it is hard now but it's not forever

oh and @zarapenny I couldn't bear him to cry for his dad so, until he was a fair amount older, I did it- it certainly didn't make things any easier for me, and even at 2.5yo, I had to leave the house for my own sanity the first few times daddy did bed time.

Recently, he's almost as likely to shout for Daddy as me, and will accept bed sharing with him if I'm ill or just so tired I'm in the spare room to catch up. But it's probably only once or twice a month that we even need to bedshare now

Her daytime naps are all over the place so I don't know whether that's the issue. Some days she has 2, some days 3 and bedtime can range anywhere from 6pm to 10pm depending on the time and length of her last nap. Like today, she's had 3 naps. The last one starting at 5pm and she's still asleep so there's no chance of her being in bed until atleast half 8 whereas yesterday she woke from her 2nd nap at half 3 so I decided to try for a half 6 bedtime. Did not go well. She woke every 10-20 minutes until I gave in and just went to bed. Should I be forcing a 3rd nap even it means it's at 5/6pm?!