Struggling with 5 week old

[SheldonandAmy]

My 5 week old won't sleep unless being held by one of us (or in a bouncer/swing which I know is not allowed, we supervise her so it isn't restful for us). I know this is completely normal but it means one of us is up all night. We've tried various sleeping places and loads of things to put her down in it (shushing, dummy which she hates, swaddle, rocking the pram, white noise) and occasionally. we'll get an hour of her asleep in her pram.
Any advice or just someone to say it will improve one day? I was coping well with the lack of sleep but just seem to have hit a wall.

It will improve one day.

Is there anyone who can help? I held my dgd overnight once or twice so her parents could sleep, when she was around that age. I was downstairs with the baby, they were upstairs.

It will improve OP. Hang in there..
They are very very small - they’ll get the hang of it too!
As PP said, is there anyone that could help you out for a night to give you both a break?

It is hard OP. We had no one to help us and give us a break but if you do then ask.

Have you heard of Dr Harvey Karp? He's writes about the 5 S's. Sounds like you're doing most of that but you need to do it simultaneously.

What I found most successful was letting them fall asleep and finding the magic time when you could put them down. Babies sleep in sleep cycles of 20 minutes I think and I always found 40 minutes the time they would wake up. I'd wait until an hour and then put down but I'd hold baby in my arms while my arms were in the crib for a couple of mins and then ever so slowly remove my arms but it would take me a further couple of minutes to remove my arms, including holding babies head carefully so they didn't feel my lower arm come out. Babies also have a startle reflex so swaddling is key for a lot of babies - also a dummy helps (I was vehemently against for my first but used for my others).

What is little ones feeding like? Just wondering if they're getting enough? When mine were hungry they stayed in the lightest of sleeps and just wouldn't go into deep sleep at all.

It's funny all the offers of help during pregnancy seemed to have disappeared. I really wish she would take a dummy, we are persevering but she acts like its poison most of the time! I am breastfeeding with the occasional expressed bottle, she seems to be getting enough but I might try feeding more often in the day to see if it helps.

Hey op, hang in there! Try offering her a feed every 2 hours, that might help fill her up a little for the night time.

You're doing great and congratulations!

My 10 week old is sound asleep on my chest at the moment after waking for a feed. I'm about to go back to sleep. He sleeps from 9pm to 9am, waking every 3-4 hours for a feed. I sleep brilliantly.

The solution? Co-sleeping.

I tried everything you've mentioned in your OP. My baby would absolutely scream inconsolably when put down. He hated swaddles and he refused to sleep on his backs. I was so sleep deprived for the first 3 weeks. My partner and I took it in shifts to sleep. It was utter miserable hell. Then my partner fell sick and so did his family and my family all at once. It was ridiculous. I was alone without support as everyone got sick at the same time with fevers.

I cracked at week 4 and brought him into bed with me. It's been pure bliss ever since. I literally changed as a mother over night. Before that I was feeling upset and angry and dreaded every single night. Some evenings I was crying just at the thought of the coming evening. It was torture.

Now I wake easily, breastfeed him, cuddle him, and we fall right back asleep together. All he wants is to be with me. I truly wish I'd done it from day one.

We have a next to me cot that sat abandoned until just last week when I bought a Done By Deer Cosy Nest. Sometimes he sleeps in it in the bed with us. Sometimes he sleeps in it in the next to me crib.

You have to make your own decisions weighing up the cot death guidance. But honestly I felt it was far more dangerous for me to be as sleep deprived as I was. You can research safe co-sleeping methods. Even the cosy nest I bought isn't recommended but I trust my gut that I've got everything set up in the safest way possible.

My baby is a million times happier and so am I. Now I can enjoy him. I still feel guilty that I didn't listen to his crying those first 4 weeks and realise what he was telling me: I'm not happy, this isn't working.

But you live and learn. They are tricky little mites to figure out.

I found swaddling and a relatively cool (not cold) room worked but thing s really improved at 8 weeks with my son, 12 weeks with my daughter. Also same as a PP, you intuitively notice their sleep cycles and can judge when they are deeply asleep then you have to be a ninja to transfer them!

I feel your pain though, I often drifted off whilst they lay on me napping. It's terrifying but I couldn't stay awake if my life depended on it.

It does get better. And now I long for new born days. So as hard as it is (very fucking hard) just try and remember how lovely the snuggles are.

It does get better. We took it in turns to sit up holding the baby in shifts so neither one of us was up the entire night. The end of the fourth trimester it all improved and baby suddenly would start doing all stretches in the next to me, gradually the time taken to settle after each night feed getting shorter and not having to be held for long at all.

I’m with @GromblesofGrimbledon
Co sleeping is the best way to sleep together if baby won’t settle in the cot.

Do research safe co sleeping so you keep her safe.

Also, reach out to friends and family. Ask for help.

At 6 weeks, there is usually a big change and they get easier, so you’re nearly there! Big hugs

I would also second co-sleeping. Follow the safe sleep rules.

Especially as you are breastfeeding you can feed baby lying down and then very quickly go back to sleep. Baby has known your closeness and warmth for 9 months and doesn't want to be apart.

Co sleeping I did it with both of mine till one was 3 years old and the other 1 year old

I’ve heard co sleeping pushed on here before as the solution to babies who won’t be put down and how?

If they won’t be put down, what’s the difference between the bed and a bedside crib?

@Magicalwoodlands

I’ve heard co sleeping pushed on here before as the solution to babies who won’t be put down and how?

If they won’t be put down, what’s the difference between the bed and a bedside crib?

You can't clamber into the bedside crib with them.

They want to be right next to you where they can feel you and smell you.

A crib of any kind is a wide cold expanse for a little creature who has spent 9 months cradled safely in your womb. Some get lucky with easy going babies who will sleep absolutely anywhere. Many babies need to be held to feel safe.

No one is "pushing" co-sleeping. Do what works for you @LilithRises. From my experience they put the fear of god into you with cot death guidance and that put me through weeks of torture doing the wrong thing for me and my baby.

Apologies I meant to tag the OP @SheldonandAmy ! Not sure how I managed to tag another person.

They are snuggled next to you in the crook of your arm.

It is hell. My first was like yours never slept and didn’t sleep much in the day either. He is the most chilled out adult though. Was a gorgeous little boy.
My others all slept more.
Baby no.3 I had a sleep every afternoon for an hour. I put a note on the door and slept from 2-3pm had to be up to get the others off the school bus at 3:15pm. I coped so much better.
Could you do that or is their anyone who would take baby for a walk so you could sleep. I offered to neighbour but she never asked. People that offered might be just waiting for you to ask.

Apologies if ‘pushing’ sounded more contentious than intended. In my experience with DS, he was just as reluctant to be put down in bed as he was to be put in his next to me crib, so I’m not sure co sleeping is necessarily the answer. The other point is that it you follow the safe guidelines they aren’t right next to you, so it’s a difficult one.

It’s a hard phase, certainly.

@Magicalwoodlands

Apologies if ‘pushing’ sounded more contentious than intended. In my experience with DS, he was just as reluctant to be put down in bed as he was to be put in his next to me crib, so I’m not sure co sleeping is necessarily the answer. The other point is that it you follow the safe guidelines they aren’t right next to you, so it’s a difficult one.

It’s a hard phase, certainly.

That sounds like a nightmare. Like I say, I take the guidelines with a pinch of salt. Mine sleeps with his head in the crook of my elbow, no covers on him, covers wrapped right under me.

And now that he's feeling more secure he sleeps more often in a nest bed and so has his own space in the bed. Saves me getting a dead arm! I chop and change depending on how much comforting he needs.

I cracked this a couple of nights ago with a hot water bottle in the crib before I put him down so that it's warm like me.

Not that original so you've probably tried it but It worked for us.

@GromblesofGrimbledon

My 10 week old is sound asleep on my chest at the moment after waking for a feed. I'm about to go back to sleep. He sleeps from 9pm to 9am, waking every 3-4 hours for a feed. I sleep brilliantly.

The solution? Co-sleeping.

I tried everything you've mentioned in your OP. My baby would absolutely scream inconsolably when put down. He hated swaddles and he refused to sleep on his backs. I was so sleep deprived for the first 3 weeks. My partner and I took it in shifts to sleep. It was utter miserable hell. Then my partner fell sick and so did his family and my family all at once. It was ridiculous. I was alone without support as everyone got sick at the same time with fevers.

I cracked at week 4 and brought him into bed with me. It's been pure bliss ever since. I literally changed as a mother over night. Before that I was feeling upset and angry and dreaded every single night. Some evenings I was crying just at the thought of the coming evening. It was torture.

Now I wake easily, breastfeed him, cuddle him, and we fall right back asleep together. All he wants is to be with me. I truly wish I'd done it from day one.

We have a next to me cot that sat abandoned until just last week when I bought a Done By Deer Cosy Nest. Sometimes he sleeps in it in the bed with us. Sometimes he sleeps in it in the next to me crib.

You have to make your own decisions weighing up the cot death guidance. But honestly I felt it was far more dangerous for me to be as sleep deprived as I was. You can research safe co-sleeping methods. Even the cosy nest I bought isn't recommended but I trust my gut that I've got everything set up in the safest way possible.

My baby is a million times happier and so am I. Now I can enjoy him. I still feel guilty that I didn't listen to his crying those first 4 weeks and realise what he was telling me: I'm not happy, this isn't working.

But you live and learn. They are tricky little mites to figure out.

I could have written this myself! Had the same issue with my DD (now 6) and was sleep deprived for years (literally years ). Was totally advised against co-sleeping at the time due to increased risk of SIDS, however it was definitely more dangerous for me to get up and down all night sitting on a chair with her BF due to the risk of me falling asleep accidentally. I'd done a bit more research ahead of DS (now 5 months) being born and decided that I would co- sleep with him and it's been a totally different experience. The HV's/ midwives have been really supportive of co-sleeping too as I made it very clear that I'd done the research in terms of how to do it safely (there's some useful info via the lullaby trust website). I was against co- sleeping with DD but the more I look into it, the more it makes sense and I actually feel that my DS is safer next to me. My poor DD who was regularly labelled 'fussy' or 'demanding' as a baby, simply just wanted the same thing which is why she would wake and cry every time we tried to put her in her own cot after BF. I actually feel guilty now for not doing it with her co-sleeping is what we have always done in human nature, from an evolutionary perspective so I feel like it's how it's meant to be. I know it's not for everyone but it has literally saved my sanity this time around. I am still very tired (as DS still feeds roughly 3-4 times still in the night) but I can still function and feel like BF him on demand is doable for me and it's so lovely seeing him so placid and settled.x

@ECarmel

Oh I'm so sorry to hear you struggled for so long with your daughter. The guilt is terrible but they really do scare the life out of you with the cot death warnings so you think you absolutely must settle them on their own. It's madness. And this poor little thing is screaming just to be near you.

My boy is the same, waking every 3 hours (at best) but it's still heaven to actually sleep now. I needed an extra hour this morning and he wasn't having it so I scooped him into bed with me and we ended up sleeping 2

Even though I'm now able to settle him in his crib I still scoop him in with me if it's taking too long to soothe him. I don't fight through crying just to have him in the crib. It's not worth it to me. And it's really quite nice having this little baby in bed with me. I know I'll miss it when it ends.

We're the same- we intermittently try to put him in his next to me crib; sometimes he says but most of the time he'll cry so we just don't battle with it now! We're just going with the flow and doing basically what he wants (without compromising his safety of course) I'm not thinking ahead just yet, in terms of how I'll ever get him out of the bed- I'll worry about that when the time comes ha! For now, he's happy and it allows me to get some sleep. If I'd have had another child to look after when DD was a baby, I don't know how I would have managed x