Co-sleeping and maintaining a relationship?

[KnackeredandHaggered]

I have a 17 month old DD who still won’t sleep in her cot through out the night by herself and I end co-sleeping every night. My DD would normally go to sleep at about 19:30/20:00 and then sleep in her cot until around 3:00am and then wake and then absolutely refuse to go back into her cot so we end up co-sleeping on a single bed in DD bedroom. Recently, DD has been refusing sleep until around 22:00, I’ll go to bed at 23:00 and then she’ll wake up at 23:20 guaranteed where she’ll refuse to stay in cot and then we end up co-sleeping so we both get some rest (I’m aware I’ve built the rod for my back but no sleep is so difficult when you have no help)

My other half seems to be getting a bit distant and fed up because there isn’t really much intimacy there right now but it’s just so difficult finding the time and the mood being right when child duties and chores never seem to end 😳

I look after ALL of my DD needs and 99% of house chores even when OH is home on the evenings and weekends. (I’m a SAHM as we can’t afford childcare so I can go back to work) I choose to do as much as I can as my OH works a stressful full time job and hopefully it shows appreciation of him paying for the household and allowing my to stay home.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar and found a way to make it work?

Thanks!

Your partner does not sound like much of a Dad (or much of a husband, but that's another issue).

In terms of cosleeping, and making it work as a while family - stop sleeping away from your husband. Instead, have your daughter in your bed with you and your partner.

That way he gets to bond and cuddle with her too during the night. I would also move her cot into your room, maybe as a sidecar cot.

You are exhausted and your partner is doing nothing to help. The resentment makes you less willing to seek out intimacy and it will slowly eat away at your relationship unless you address it.

In terms of co-sleeping, personally I would be sleep training and getting DH to do it. Otherwise this can go on until they are a lot older. Sleep training doesn't have to mean leaving them to cry alone but it means getting them used to something different, eg sitting by the cot and soothing rather than getting the child out or moving to a different bed.

To be frank you sound disempowered, as if you think your husband isn't doing enough and your child is calling the shots as well. Being a mother isn't about always giving everyone what they want all the time, you have to have a vision of how you want things to be and be prepared to stand your ground in making it happen. You also need to see your own needs as important and demand respect because it's important for your kids to see this and for them to see your husband respecting you too.

Good luck!

Your husband should still parent regardless of whether you’re a SAHM, this isn’t just your problem.

I agree with other re gentle sleep training, have you tried anything so far? Hopefully you and your DP can solve this together x

@FATEdestiny

Your partner does not sound like much of a Dad (or much of a husband, but that's another issue).

In terms of cosleeping, and making it work as a while family - stop sleeping away from your husband. Instead, have your daughter in your bed with you and your partner.

That way he gets to bond and cuddle with her too during the night. I would also move her cot into your room, maybe as a sidecar cot.

Hi,

I did use to sleep with DD in our bed when she was younger but since she’s got bigger I’ve had to start sleeping with DD in her room as there wasn’t room in our bed. We have now bought a king size bed which we are waiting to be delivered so hopefully we can go back to sleep in my bed with my other half. As for the sidecar cot that is what I want to do but I can’t really find one that will fit next to our bed with the gap we have. If you you or anyone else could recommend like a space saving one then it would be really appreciated. I haven’t had much luck myself :(

Also, the way you talk about money strikes me as also disempowered. You and OH have a child together. You are both responsible for your child. You pool labour and income in order to form a household to care for the child.

If you were removed from the picture, he would be paying £££ to cover everything you do in terms of childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning etc. You therefore make a valuable financial contribution to the home even if it doesn't actually bring in money. There is value in your labour.

Earning money to keep the household going is also important but you sound quite insecure in how you think about what you bring to the table. As you are not married, you are vulnerable if you were to break up. Is the house in your joint names? What is your pension situation? How long do you plan to be a SAHM? Do you have any savings? Does DH give you money of your own? Do you get to keep the child benefit?

All kids get at least 15 hours childcare free from 3, if you're not planning further children then you could think about getting a job then so you have more independence.

@EnidFrighten

You are exhausted and your partner is doing nothing to help. The resentment makes you less willing to seek out intimacy and it will slowly eat away at your relationship unless you address it.

In terms of co-sleeping, personally I would be sleep training and getting DH to do it. Otherwise this can go on until they are a lot older. Sleep training doesn't have to mean leaving them to cry alone but it means getting them used to something different, eg sitting by the cot and soothing rather than getting the child out or moving to a different bed.

To be frank you sound disempowered, as if you think your husband isn't doing enough and your child is calling the shots as well. Being a mother isn't about always giving everyone what they want all the time, you have to have a vision of how you want things to be and be prepared to stand your ground in making it happen. You also need to see your own needs as important and demand respect because it's important for your kids to see this and for them to see your husband respecting you too.

Good luck!

Hi, thanks for your response.

I have gave ‘sleep training’ a go but it just breaks my heart with her sobbing her heart out. I gave it a go before and gave in after like 45 minutes and scooped her up and then gave up completely after about a week. She just stands up the whole time whilst being absolutely livid. Maybe it’s how I’m doing it and I’m missing a trick. I’ve tried calling health visitor for some advice but they’re just so unhelpful and keep suggesting co-sleeping 😩😩😩 maybe I’ll have to post a thread and see how people tackled co-sleeping to cot sleeping and give it another whirl!

It’s just difficult because my other half has children from a previous relationship and his youngest (nearly 11) shares a room when he stays with DD but obviously there’s the different bed times and he likes to stay up in his room reading books with the light on so I’m a little wary of her pattern being thrown on the weekends when SS stays overnight (every other weekend for the whole weekend) maybe if DD will take to her actual cot then maybe she’ll take to her travel cot too for those days.

One step at a time I guess!

@PinkPlantCase

Your husband should still parent regardless of whether you’re a SAHM, this isn’t just your problem.

I agree with other re gentle sleep training, have you tried anything so far? Hopefully you and your DP can solve this together x

Hi!

I have tried a little bit of sleep training but little miss just stands up the whole time and won’t lay down. If I gently lay her down while ‘shhh-img’ or patting her back it doesn’t really seem to make a difference. After about 45 minutes I do give in so maybe I need to persevere. Is it something you’ve done yourself? If so, can I rob any tips or suggestions from you? :D

Thanks

If you have one child then unless you have extortionate travel costs then I don’t see how you can’t afford childcare to enable you to go back to work. Even if you are on NMW that is £9+ per hour and my childminder is only £5 per hour and I live in the south east so it’s expensive area.

The division of labour sounds all wrong. I think you need some financial independence and to earn your own money and then pool it and split bills etc accordingly. Parenting should also be a 50/50 split I don’t care if someone’s job is “stressful” they still need to step up and parent. Your DH is as much your DDs parent as you are so you need to come up with a solution jointly and implement it together.

Him being a bit distant is also a red flag for me, even if you are lacking intimacy then any decent man should understand it is because you are busy attending to DDs needs. If he’s so bothered then he can crack on and sleep train her himself.

@EnidFrighten

Also, the way you talk about money strikes me as also disempowered. You and OH have a child together. You are both responsible for your child. You pool labour and income in order to form a household to care for the child.

If you were removed from the picture, he would be paying £££ to cover everything you do in terms of childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning etc. You therefore make a valuable financial contribution to the home even if it doesn't actually bring in money. There is value in your labour.

Earning money to keep the household going is also important but you sound quite insecure in how you think about what you bring to the table. As you are not married, you are vulnerable if you were to break up. Is the house in your joint names? What is your pension situation? How long do you plan to be a SAHM? Do you have any savings? Does DH give you money of your own? Do you get to keep the child benefit?

All kids get at least 15 hours childcare free from 3, if you're not planning further children then you could think about getting a job then so you have more independence.

Hmm true, I never even looked at it like that contribution wise.

Yes our house and mortgage is in both of our names. Pension wise I haven’t contributed since May 2020. I didn’t actually plan as such to be a SAHM mum but since Covid happened the childcare which would’ve been in the form of family members couldn’t happen so this is where we are now. I don’t have any savings anymore.. I used them for baby stuff and whatever else I’ve needed since ending maternity. No my other half doesn’t share money unless it’s for me to go and buy the groceries. I do keep the child benefit which I use for food, nappies or whatever else DD needs.

I have seen the free childcare of 15 hours per week which I definitely plan on using as soon as she turns 3 for the independence and income :)

If you you or anyone else could recommend like a space saving one then it would be really appreciated

I'd suggest thinking laterally, rather than literally. So fitting your existing cot into the room rather than buying another one.

● Do you have a chest of drawers in your room? Take it out and put it in the nursery. This creates floor space the same size as a cot.
● Do you have a wardrobe in your room? Take it out and put that in the nursery. That uses a floor space bigger than your cot.
● Is your bed literally against a wall in both sides, or do you have a bedside cabinets either side of your bed? Get rid of both these and push the bed one way into the space where one bedside cabinets was. This gives you width space next to your bed.
● Any more furnature in your room? Take it out, put it in the nursery.
● You could turn the nursery into a temporary dressing room - your drawers, wardrobe, dressing table could go in there (or just one of these) alongside baby's drawers and wardrobe.
● Rearrange the space once non-sleeping furnature is out. Fit the cot in first, before considering what else will fit.

A cot is usually about 2 foot (~60cm) wide. A kingsided bed is 5 foot (~150cm) wide and 6ft6 (~195cm) long. So as long as your room is around 7ft by 7ft (which is box room size), then you can fit it in.

So what has changed in your oh's life since having your baby? He does the same job, you do all the childcare and pay for everything baby and maternity related plus all housework? Doesn't sound fair to me.

I think sleep training to stop co sleeping works better when the dad does it as the baby will smell you and expect the usual snuggles.

You can make voluntary contributions to the state pension, it's not v much and could be worth it if you're going to be a sahm for a long time - you need to contribute for enough years to qualify for full pension eventually. I think you might be able to backdate it a bit too.

www.gov.uk/voluntary-national-insurance-contributions

In terms of furniture, we managed to fit a cot bed next to our bed with one side left off so it was a continuous surface. We strapped it to our bed so it wouldn't move.

I co slept until about 13 mo with dc1 when I began to go crazy with sleep deprivation as she just wanted to sleep with a nipple in her mouth, DH did gradual retreat sleep training. I would not have been able to do it as you have to hold out while they want to be picked up, but it only took a few nights and it was just getting her used to a new routine. We did it at 9mo with dc2.

Do you manage to get out and meet friends or other mums op? That often helps to give things a different perspective too.

This describes the retreat method we used
www.channelmum.com/a/gradual-retreat-sleep-training-method

TBH there was a fair amount of crying involved but I was sure DC always knew we were there offering comfort and reassurance, they were crying because we weren't doing what they wanted i.e lifting them out of the cot and taking them into bed with us. Once they get used to the idea that going to sleep in a cot is just as good as going to sleep in a big bed, they're fine with it and would go down happily and chat to themselves or play with their feet etc until sleep, then sleep through.

No my other half doesn’t share money unless it’s for me to go and buy the groceries. I do keep the child benefit which I use for food, nappies or whatever else DD needs.

It sounds like his life has stayed the same while yours has gotten harder and him not giving you access to money and not sharing resources is shit. What happens if you want to say go for a haircut? Or need new clothes? Do you have to ask him for the money?

You say you do bulk of everything even when he is home, does this also apply to his other child? Or does he leave that to you too?

The intimacy thing, are you actually feeling like you want to have sex with him or are you feeling guilty and like you should be because of his behaviour? They are two very different things and if it's because his behaviour is making you feel bad that you aren't shagging more, you'll end up feeling like sex is another chore to tick off your list and it should be enjoyable and fun for you too and your post feels kind of like it's about you wanting to please him rather than your own happiness too.

I don’t have any savings anymore.. I used them for baby stuff and whatever else I’ve needed since ending maternity.

Doesn't you baby have a father as well? Why isn't he also paying for his own child's clothes, shoes, toys...?