Want a second child but scared of sleep issues

[Newmum29]

My daughter is 7 months. She’s incredible. I had a wonderful pregnancy, good birth but was blindsided by PND. Daughter was great sleeping at night but struggled a lot in the day and I hated BF.

By 3M she was fully formula fed and I was coping much better, I also started really wanting a second child. In all practical considerations we’d be better waiting 9 months to start trying so there would be a minimum 2 year age gap.

I’d like to start now but i’m so scared of having 2 children who don’t sleep well or a demanding toddler and a newborn. The issue isn’t her, it’s me. I feel like a terrible mum when she wakes and cries and I can’t soothe her to sleep (in the day) or night without feeding. I keep telling myself she “should” be sleeping through by now.

Firstly, there's no such thing as should when it comes to baby sleep.

Every baby is different and I didn't even think of night weaning until feeding to sleep stopped working (around 9 month for them both)

One of my kids woke loads, the other slept 10-5 from 8 weeks. It's totally luck of the draw with that one.

As for baby 2, there's no rush is there? It's fine to want 2, but you don't need 2 right now. Wait until your baby turns 1 and then see how you feel.

But what do you do when feeding to sleep (in the night) stops working? Nothing settles my little one.

A bouncer after a feed and Ollie the owl worked wonders for us for a cross baby in the night. Ours was very refluxy so uncomfortable flat so used to soothe her in the bouncer with the white noise then transfer back into the crib!

Bad sleep in small children shouldn't stop you from having another one. The reason should be bigger or that you simply don't want to. Otherwise you'll likely regret it. My inlaws regret a lot not having a second child

Btw I'm in my 3rd and they definitely did not sleep through the night until a bit later, maybe 18 months? Actually DD2 at almost 4 has been waking up every night lately but I just send her packing straight to bed! And DD1 at 5 rarely still wets the bed so have to change everything and wash her in the middle of the night

Small kids are hard work

@Newmum29

But what do you do when feeding to sleep (in the night) stops working? Nothing settles my little one.

I sleep trained using controlled crying. When they woke and cried I'd go in and reassure them, put them on their back, rub tummy but not pick them up and then leave. Wait 2 mins and return and do the same, then 4,6,8, and 10 mins. Repeat the 10 min intervals until they sleep.

After 3 nights they both slept through the night and no longer woke for milk.

If they wake in the night now and call us there is something wrong that needs sorting for example they are poorly

I can relate a lot to this. My little one is only 4 months but we know we would like more in the future and I find myself already worrying what if the next one doesn't sleep and thinking how I'd manage 🤦🏼‍♀️ chronic overthinker problems. My current dd is a pretty fab sleeper so far and has been from a few weeks old but I know this could change at any time. My anxiety/worry about sleep started when she was tiny and I feared she wouldn't sleep but so far all that worry was for nothing. I think you just have to accept it out of your control to a certain extent and you just have to deal with it if/when difficulties crop up.

I have no advice re feeding to sleep as my daughter stopped doing this quite young so I've not had any problems yet re her waking/only settling if fed. I do use a dummy tho which I think helps.

Why is it practical to have a 2 year age gap?

My baby is 8 months and I can't imagine having another newborn right now. I have had no post natal depression or feeding issues abs sleep is ok. I want to enjoy all my DS has to offer. 2 under 3 looks massively stressful. Enjoy the baby you have in your arms your body and mind have been through massive change, give them both time to heal.

I don’t think controlled crying works with ours to be honest, we’ve tried with going in and reassuring but she has cried on and off for an hour and I gave in to be honest as I felt it was cruel.

There’s no reason to have only a 2 year gap, just that’s likely to be the minimum. My sister has 3 years and says that’s great as the eldest was toilet trained when her younger one arrived.

I guess I’m scared of the impact on my career and feels more achievable to do it in a (mad 4-5 year period) versus waiting longer and “starting again”. You’re right she doesn’t have a dummy and never would take one..

I had two under 2 OP, it was hard in someways, easier in others.

Advantages were we didn’t have to get anywhere in the mornings so if the night was hard there was no rush to get ready to get an older child to school for example You haven’t forgotten the baby stages either. My two are really close brothers. They like the same tv shows, toys, days out etc.

Disadvantages inc feeling like you are constantly pregnant and bf. We were lured into a force sense of security as DS1 was a very calm baby, slept well, DS2’ arrival was a shock as he was very unsettled and a terrible sleeper. And the reason why a 3rd DC was a no go area!

Personally I have no regrets in having a 21mth gap between my two boys, but it’s not for everyone. Only you know if you could cope with that. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Forgot to add the financial element of two in nappies.

You don't sound as though you are ready for another baby yet Enjoy the one you have and chill out about it. There's no rush !

@Newmum29 7 months is still quite young for controlled crying. The first night though they did cry for about an hour or so all told. Then the next night it was 30 mins and then 10 mins the third night.

With all sleep support it's about keeping going and being consistent.

We also worked on day time sleep and really got into good sleep habits then.

First nap was usually in the pram.

After lunch it was upstairs into bed with curtains closed for nap time. At first I had to sit next to them holding hands, but gradually over a few weeks I moved further away and then they would just go to sleep by themselves.

In terms of age gap, I have 2 years and 10 days. It was hard at first for sure but now it's a lot easier.

Hi OP.
Feeding to sleep is so biologically normal and not an issue except in the West it seems to be looked down on. Unfortunately you have internalised a lot of negative cultural misinformation that sounds like it put you under so much pressure it sabotaged your baby's breastfeeding experience too.

You might benefit from doing more research about what's normal in the fourth trimester so you're better prepared this time to counter act the ideas of what's normal you've got from somewhere. People like Lyndsey Hookway and Kathryn Stagg are great.

Sorry I think I misread your original post slightly. But don't feel like a failure re feeding to sleep. As others have said it's completely normal and 7months is very young to be sleeping through the night. Feeding to sleep is also completely normal - my dd stopped doing this herself as her cycle seemed to naturally change to her feeding after she'd had a sleep it's not something I introduced. She doesn't sleep through the night though and does wake to be fed quickly. If what you're doing now isn't working for you anymore there is lots of advice and guidance out there re how to change things in a way you feel comfortable with. I second lyndsey hookway though she has some really good advice on what's normal and how to gently change things if you need to.

@Newmum29

I don’t think controlled crying works with ours to be honest, we’ve tried with going in and reassuring but she has cried on and off for an hour and I gave in to be honest as I felt it was cruel.

There’s no reason to have only a 2 year gap, just that’s likely to be the minimum. My sister has 3 years and says that’s great as the eldest was toilet trained when her younger one arrived.

I guess I’m scared of the impact on my career and feels more achievable to do it in a (mad 4-5 year period) versus waiting longer and “starting again”. You’re right she doesn’t have a dummy and never would take one..

DD1 wasn't toilet trained (18mo) when DD2 was born and it was sort of a blessing!! If she needed a nappy change well...... she could wait!

When they are potty trained and need to go to the toilet, they need to go NOW! And then get wiped and wash hands. It's very hands on for the adult and I've done it many times one handed carrying a baby

This! Having an older child in nappies was great when out and about. It took a lot of pressure off

We are due to have 2 under 2 (23 month gap). DS1 has never slept through the night and has been an awful sleeper day and night. We’ve tried everything, even CIO, and it takes about 5 hours for him to sleep on the first night. If he’s ill or any change at all, we are back to 5 hours of CIO so I stopped it as couldn’t bear it.
I’m not too worried about the lack of sleep with DC2 as the decision for quick succession of babies is my career- having another maternity in a couple of years would be taking a big career hit and I need to get it all out the way now

I should add, just do whatever it takes to get a bit of sleep. For us, that’s co sleeping. It’s not for everyone but I don’t really have another option

I had a terrible sleeper DD1 and at 7 months couldn’t contemplate having another.

By 15/16 months I felt differently. I got pregnant a few months later and we have 2.5 yr age gap. DD2 was a bad sleeper as well but we managed.

No need to rush into anything

Updating. Semi miraculously (for me) my husband took over nights 2 weeks ago and is now settling our daughter who is sleeping through nights without feeds, she still wakes occasionally around 12 and 4 but can be patted back to sleep.

This has made me feel like a new woman and much more confident about trying for our second. So much so I’ve come off contraception as of yesterday and we’re giving it a go. I’m both nervous it’ll happen quickly (new job started a few months ago, 18 months feels like a small gap) but also so excited.