Managed to traumatise my 11 month old: what am I doing wrong?

[Magicalwoodlands]

All the recommended gentler sleep training methods seem to work my baby (nearly 11 months) into hysterics.

The problem we have is that once he is awake it takes hours to get him back into his cot. At one point he would reliably sleep until 1/2 in the morning so it wasn’t too bad as you did get a block of sleep, but now he wakes before midnight so even going to bed at 9 you only get 2/3 hours before he wakes.

And then that is it until the early hours. I’ve been awake with him since 11:30.

He gets hysterical if you try Ferber, he won’t respond to shush pat.

I know everyone will say to co sleep and I’ve no choice in the matter but it’s awful. He has to be right next to me, he pushes down constantly with his legs so I am kicked all night, he also slams his head into mine. If I co sleep I get no sleep at all. He’s in bed with me now kicking me.

Is there anything I can do? I don’t think there is. I feel like I’ve failed him, as he’s obviously exhausted but for whatever reason can’t sleep.

You will not have traumatised him, nor have you failed him. So please start by putting thoughts like that out of your head because you sound like a great and caring parent.

I just think maybe you need to adjust you expectations re sleep training and do some more research before starting so you know what to expect. For starters you say gentle, then mention Ferber which is controlled crying so definitely not gentle. So absolutely you’d expect baby to get upset. Realistically any sleep training which you’d expect to get results in under a week will involve crying. Personally I’d bite the bullet, do Ferber and consistently stick with it, especially if you’ve found co-sleeping doesn’t work for you. But really it’s up to you. There are more gentle methods out there if you prefer but it will be a longer process. Whatever you decide though- consistency is key and you need to stick with it. Teaching baby to sleep through is a process and it won’t happen overnight.

Good luck, sleep deprivation is torture isn’t it?

My daughter is a bit like this. It's been a nightmare.

Have you tried cosleeping in his room? We found a mattress on her floor worked wonders. Something about not coming into our room, but still feeling safe because I was there, has been the tipping point for her.

She still doesn't sleep through in her cot all night but we are closer. A friend of mine got rid of the cot and went for a floor bed and found that much better than trying to lower baby into a cot, ssh and pat from the outside etc.

How are his naps? We had the same problem that started around 11 months and worked out it was split nights. Basically, he was getting enough sleep in the day so was thinking that when he was put to bed at night, it was just a nap. So when he woke up a few hours later, there was no putting him down as he thought it was up time.
We went back to 2-3-4 hour wake/sleep time which helped massively.

Naps aren’t brilliant - he’s at nursery and usually has a good morning nap (2 hours) but then rarely sleeps more than three hours in a day.

I’ve tried Lucy Wolfe, just didn’t work. At all.

I don’t even care about the wake ups but it’s the length of time it takes to settle him again - I’m exhausted! I feel really tearful as I’m not enjoying him at the moment. Full time work, a tired grumpy evening and then up half the night.

Any changes?
Has he just started nursery, have you just gone back to work?
Any new developments?

What's a typical day for him, so morning wake up, naps, bedtime?

He has been at nursery for a couple of months now but we did have a holiday last week so not sure if that unsettled him?

He gets up between 6 and 7 and then usually naps for a couple of hours in the morning but this is variable (on Saturday he woke after 30 minutes for no discernible reason.)

Then a sleep in the afternoon of between 30 and 60 minutes. Bed is between 7 and 8.

Is this new, or has it always been like this? If new, it could be because he's getting ready to learn to walk and talk. That usually happens around 1 year and they can get grizzly around that time. Sleep can be disrupted because of these major changes.

Definitely not exactly new but it does seem worse. Once he’d lie on my arms and sleep and after an hour or so you could get him back to his cot / crib. Now he just pushes down with his legs and he’s bigger so it is harder to hold him.

I feel sorry for him as he’s clearly exhausted but I also get so frustrated and upset which doesn’t help of course!

Sorting his sleep may require either waiting til he does it off his own bat, or tolerating some crying. I chose the second of those two. As you’ve tried both ‘gentle’ methods and Ferber, I wonder whether you are either stopping before it has taken effect, or chopping and changing.
For me, I needed to work out what did and didn’t feel ok to me as a parent. It’s very individual but for me, I realised it was about presence, ie I was ok with DC crying so long as I was there with them. So I did bedtime routine, put DC in cot, then sat with them shushing til they slept. Repeat for every night waking. Yes they cried but they knew I was right there, so this was ok with me.

There’s a good thread on here from ages ago called something like ‘what worked for us’ that describes this approach in more detail.

Hmm it isn’t just crying though - he gets hysterical. I mean, almost vomiting through his distress. Which seems horrendously cruel, and I don’t know if I can and even it I could I doubt his dad could either. It’s so hard isn’t it

The only sleep training I did was pick up put down. I was exhausted and DC wouldn't sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time. I found this method helped them sleep in longer stints (more like 2-3 hours) but it was hard work.

Naps are key- my DC got over tired and it was impossible to get caught up again

How are you currently getting him to sleep?

@Wishbub makes a good point... could he be overtired? You said he only has one nap at nursery every morning. If they're too tired it becomes really hard to get them to sleep. Maybe he still needs 2 naps?

He definitely needs two naps but sometimes he doesn’t always have them. The problem is I pick him up 4-430 and that’s danger time for naps.

how do you currently get him to sleep

Rocked / bounced. In the middle of the night though it doesn’t work.

He is rocked to sleep then goes in his cot. But once he wakes up refuses to go back in it!

Yes, it'll be tricky to give him a nap that late in the day. I had a really similar problem with my youngest. I found that bringing her bedtime up a little earlier helped her to fall asleep quicker. She woke up super early in the morning but at least she slept through the night and as she got older she slept in more in the morning.

I'd do two things...

1. bring bedtime earlier, especially if only a short / no nap in the afternoon as it sounds like he's overtired and that can increase nightly wakeups
2. do whatever you can to stop rocking him to sleep, as this will be a key reason why he struggles to link up sleep cycles and stay asleep in his cot. You can start by rocking him until he's nearly asleep, then standing still while he does the final bit, then rocking him until he's sleepy and putting him down in his cot to fall asleep, with plenty of reassurance / shhing / hand on chest etc to get him to fall asleep by himself. He might get upset but keep reassuring him that it's OK you're still there and he's alright (I found this really tough with my son but I kept thinking I'm helping him teaching him to fall asleep, I was still there supporting him and actually if I had intervened and kept picking him up and putting him back down again the whole process would have taken longer with more distress I think) I do think it depends on the child though. Obviously make sure you have a nice predicable bedtime routine and ensure he's nice and full and calm and ready for bed before you do this (im sure you have this nailed already). By teaching him to fall asleep by himself he will be easier to settle when he wakes up again at night. Other than that as pp said 11 months is a key age for learning to cruise / walk / talk so there is a lot going on as well which could affect sleep.