what the hell do I do with this new little thing?!

[dolly1]

Hi Ladies
I posted this in pregnancy but thought maybe I should pop it here too. The ladies there have been wonderfully supportive but I wondered if any of you could give me an idea of 'routines' (I ue the term loosely!) that I could try?
What has worked for you?
Thanks
x

Ok so I'm 22 weeks it's just really hit me that I have to look after my baby and I don't know how to do it!
I know that makes me sound like an idiot and believe me I'm not, but I just don't know anything about tiny babies.
This morning I read the book of a certain baby guru and burst into tears - how the hell am I ever going to get this child into a routine?!
So I'm asking mumsnetters to advise - please!
How do I get my baby into a routine? When do I feed it, put it down to sleep etc?
Any advice/tips would be so appreciated. Suddenly feeling very overwhelmed and worried.
Have no one around to help us so we really need to be able to cope.
I know I said I wasn't an idiot but please feel free to treat me like one!
Thanks!

hi dolly1
I found it far, far easier with both of mine NOT to have a routine.
I know that isn't for everyone, but for me it's easier to go with the flow and use baby's cues for things instead of trying to force it to do certain things at certain times.
when your baby is born it's going to want 3 things: food, warmth, clean bum. when it cries you check that it has these things and you'll be fine
well- it has worked so far for me lol
gradually you'll figure out what baby is crying for and what s/he wants. and over time s/he'll get into a routine anyway.

Don't panic. I had never held, or been around babies until I had my own.

I read GF's book and was interested to see a routine. However, I disregarded it and played it by ear when DD came.

Basically in the first few weeks, they feed, they poo, they sleep. All I could do was try and cat nap as and when.

My HV and midwife were very helpful, but in the end I found our own routine.

Oh and a nice tight swaddle helped my two settle. They both hated being left free and open to being attacked or shocked by their own limbs!!!

Just to add to fingerwoman's list of a baby's needs - SLEEP! If you have fed your baby, and it has a clean bum and is STILL howling, he or she is tired. Some babies struggle to fall asleep more than others. But to start with, tiny babies need to nap roughly every 90 mins in the day. Some (both of mine) even more frequently than that.

But don't worry too much at 22 weeks! Wait until you have the baby - babies are pretty good at letting you know they need something, then it's just up to you to try everything until you find out what it is!

ooh yes, I knew i'd miss off something important lol
oh and just to add when I say warmth, that usually means a big snuggly cuddle

Dolly, Don't want to patronise you but chuck the books. Bin them. Don't ever look at them again. All they will make you do is feel like a failure. If you're feeling rubbish now, imagine how you'll feel in a few months when your lovely little baby doesn't follow the rules, you're exhausted from trying and you're at your wits end because you don't trust your own instincts because they're in conflict with all these 'gurus'. (Which btw haven't had children of their own and more importantly haven't had your baby)

Every baby is different. Spend the first few weeks doing nothing. If you relax, feed on demand and just respond to babies cues you'll start to see a 'routine' emerge naturally. Remember your baby has been used to everything on demand and arrival in this world that dictates set feed and sleep times is going to be something of a shock.

Also, don't forget to enjoy your newborn, honestly that phase is so short, even though at the time it feels like a never ending hell on earth, its over so quickly and before you know it they're sitting up feeding themselves.

I can say this through experience. Like you I was determined to get my DD into a routine but she had other ideas and after months of battling with her I said enough, relaxed and finally started to just trust her and me to find our own way. Life was so much easier when I accepted that my life was going to be a little out of my control for a while.

Good luck btw

I would recommend ONE book - harvey karp's Baby bliss. It is great. He gives you tools and then it's up to you how you use them.

My tip from a 5mth old mother is encourge you lo to self settle if poss. My ds isn't great at it and I would love it if he was!

I should say tho that ds has been a brilliant happy baby and it's all down to hypnobirthing and Baby Bliss (I think).

Dolly, two things:

1. It's possible to have a baby, enjoy it, and not make a huge arse-up of it even if you're like me and not only have no experience but actually don't like them! DS is now 4.5 months, I love him to pieces, he loves me back, and he's still alive and Social Services haven't been worried

2. Books are all well and good but you don't know what sort of baby you'll get until it's born - I remember glibly telling DP that our musical mobile would be great because if we played it every time our baby went to sleep then it would soon learn about dropping off quietly by itself - as I type I am onehanded and swaying so DS gets his morning nap on my shoulder - the only way I can get him to sleep! Your baby will be the best guide you can have, you don't need a rputine, just follow baby's lead, give him whatever he asks for and if in doubt ask on Mumsnet where you'll get great support and advice (even at 3 in the morning!).

Good luck!

hi dolly

i don't really know where to start to reassure so I will just give you some random words of wisdom from my mere 6 months as a mother:

firstly well done for even thinking about the baby part this far ahead. at 22 weeks most people can't see past being pg!

secondly, a routine works for some some people not for others. you have to do whatever works for you but don't stress trying to get in someone else's routine, let it be a bit more organic. though I must admit we made the mistake of not making night and day for about a week! but we never really had a routine and dd slept 11-7 from about 2 months. luck of the draw sometimes.

if you are breastfeeding don't even think about a routine for lots of reasons that people on the bfing board will be able to explain further.

also, the 1st 6 weeks with a newborn are pretty hellish, but they are for most people and it has no bearing on how you will be as a parent.

basically relax, use mumsnet a lot, but mostly follow your own instincts! If you let your baby fall asleep in your arms, or feed to sleep, or pick them up every time they cry or any number of things people will tell you will make a rod to your own back, bollocks to them - do what you want!

Forget the books for now.. Even if you read them, your brain will be complete mush for a few weeks and you'll have no chance of retaining any of the information and no time to re-read it..

I too felt like you - had never had anything to do with babies and was completely clueless. I clearly remember getting home from hospital and me and dp just looking at each other and saying "what the feck do we do with her now ?!"

Just remember they have been in your womb for the last 9 months and have been warm and snuggly with food on tap and have been able to sleep when they want. Its a bit of a shock for them when they first come out. Just go with the flow and mine found her own kind of routine at about 9 weeks. Those first few weeks can feel like fire fighting, but you'll soon get the hang of it

In terms of books, I did find parts of the Baby Whisperer quite useful... not in terms of getting a routine as such, but found it useful in identifying cues/cries etc so I knew what my baby wanted

become best friends with your mother

This is a very much 'each to their own' type thing, and tbh you probably won't know what suits you until after your LO arrives.

Having said that, before DS was born I did read GF and thought there were some useful ideas in there but knew that there was no way I would be able (or want) to apply that sort of routine...

DS was conveniently 2 weeks late, so I had time to buy and read the large Baby Whisperer book, which basically became our bible.

It was really good in terms of understanding what the baby is trying to express (oh crikey, that sounds very tree-hugging-hippy, but it really isn't!!) and also provided a skinny (1 page for the first 3 or 4 months) suggested routine that was an approx routine/shape for the day rather than a stict 'schedule'.

We used BW for everything from pretty much day 3 when it hit us we didn't have a clue what we were doing, and it really suited us and DS.

But, as I say, every parent (and every baby) is different...

My next is due in Jan and DH and I have realised we need to 'revise' our baby whisperer newborn stuff before it arrives...we've got far too used to having a walking, talking, sleeping, toilet trained 2.5 year old!!!

I read Baby Whisperer and The Baby Book - How to Enjoy Year One when pg. I'm glad I read them but the idea that it's possible to implement what's in them is another matter. DD began to sleep well at night quite quickly - probably about 3 weeks - only after we'd started co-sleeping (see my thread about independent sleep!) In terms of daytime naps, they were all over the place for the first couple of months. Sometimes she'd stay awake all day, other days she'd sleep for England. I always worried a bit (why's she's so sleepy/why's she not sleepy/etc) but am glad I didn't try and impose a routine. From 3 months she naturally fitted into her own pattern of needing a nap roughly every hour and half or two hours from getting up. Half hour in morning and lunch, then a long one (maybe 2 hours) later in the afternoon. I found it really helpful once this (relaxed and flexible) routine was in place, as it has helped me plan my days making sure she's mostly comfortable and rested at appropriate times. But I'm also glad I waited for her to find her rhythm and didn't try to impose one.

As per my other thread, DD absolutely wouldn't sleep in a moses or a cot, and co-sleeping plus the purchase of a number of slings have been the keys to great sleep for us all. I sometimes wonder if I'd tried harder at swaddling early on if she'd have become more able to sleep independently, but think it's easy to wonder this in retrospect.

Good luck, go with the flow, find what's right for you.

PS as for feeding routines, if you're breastfeeding I have no idea how people create routines - we've always gone for demand feeding. There is a bit of a pattern now but what with growth spurts etc it's never been a straight forward Every 3 hour type thing in fact it was every hour for hte first 6 weeks!

Ladies so touched that you have taken the time to respond to me and offer so much useful, practical advice.
Can I be a complete twit and ask why you can't do a routine when bf? I intend to try my best, but not getting to hung up on it if I can't. I was bottle fed and I turned out OK - I hope?!
I'm reading the baby whisperer at the moment and going to get the other books mentioned too. Baby whisperer sounds realistic and that's the thing isn't it - I don't want to set myself up for a fall and then be really deflated when my plans don't work.
Dh is sure all will be fine and couldn't be more supportive but he knows as much about babies as I do! Blind optimism - which is not bad thing I suppose!

Can I also say that every time I get worried I feel better when I get a nice little kick or a wriggle. Not meaning to go all soppy, but it does reassure me and I kind of thing 'well you're mine and we'll get on with it little pal'.

Breast feeding relies on your baby's hunger to stimulate enough milk for his needs. So it's important to feed when your baby asks for food, rather than forcing a routine upon them. Strict routines, especially in the early days, may have a detrimental affect on your milk supply.

If you want to BF I'd strongly advise you to pop into the BF/FF section on mumsnet for advice, they'll explain it all to you much better than I could!

effect

ditto what she said!
to get your milk supply well established you need baby to feed. the more the better tbh. In the early days before your milk comes in it might feel like baby is constantly feeding (mine certainly did), this is normal and is stimulating your body to produce the milk your baby needs.
forcing him to stick to a schedule will not only upset baby but could potentially harm your milk supply as there will be nothing telling your body to make more.

a formula fed baby will be able to go longer between feeds because they're getting totally full of milk which is harder to digest and thus fills them up for longer.

that isn't to say that a breastfed baby can't be put into a routine, but it's certainly something I would wait a couple of weeks before trying