Reached end of tether with 10 month old dreadful sleeper, advice please

[BlackcurrantTea]

My 10.5 month old was a truly awful sleeper from birth and her sleep truly feels like it's ruining my whole life so advice desperately sought.

At the moment I'm co sleeping with her on a mattress in her bedroom while my husband sleeps in our room. We have white noise on loud every night, and she sleeps with her hands covered (integral scratch mitts and then socks on top to stop her hands escaping), otherwise her fingers roam around and feel things and keep her awake - she grabs at my skin on my chest/neck/face and pokes and pinches it. If her glove comes off in the night, she wakes up because her hands automatically start feeling around and the sensory input (I presume) wakes her.

If I leave the room, the moment she stirs at the end of a sleep cycle, she sits up, looks around for me, and then starts sobbing and calling for me. She also crawls around looking for me and tries to pull herself up on her wardrobe/chest of drawers and she's not steady enough on her feet for that to be safe.

If I try and put her down awake she screams. She's never gone to sleep without our input in her whole life. We have a solid bedtime routine (dinner, play, milk on sofa to try and separate from feeding to sleep and that's worked well at least, choose four bedtime stories, brush teeth, put on eczema cream, goodnight kiss for daddy, I read stories in bed, say goodnight in exact same way and then kiss her goodnight). She falls asleep in my arms, and on a good night I just hold her and she goes to sleep fine - on other nights she thrashes and arches her back to escape from my arms and I end up rocking her, patting her bum and shushing her.

If I stay in the room, she will usually sleep nicely all evening and then stir when I get into bed and then can need a lot of resettling. If I leave the room, it's a shit show and she takes ages to resettle when she knows I've dared to leave her.

I have no time with my husband, no leisure time and can get nothing done in the house because I can't leave her.

What I would love in an ideal world is for her to sleep in her cot for her naps and bed. I wouldn't mind coming in to resettle her even up to maybe four times a night (I have to resettle her constantly in the night anyway).

What I want most desperately is to get that chunk of day from when she goes to bed at 7 back.

Sorry this is such a mammoth read. I'm really desperate. And I bet I've left out lots of key info too.

Thanks in advance for any replies!

Other info

-she has a dummy

• all her naps are either co sleeping with me or in the baby carrier in a dark room with white noise on and gloves on her hands
• we don't have a car so can't use that to get her to sleep - she does fight sleep in cars too
• she won't sleep in the pram any more at all.
• she has two naps a day, usually wake windows of 2h,then 3h, then 4h work fairly well for her. Sometimes do 3h,3h,3h
• she is the lightest sleeper in the world - when we co slept with DH, his breathing would make her stir (and he doesn't snore).

Well, if it was me I would do sleep training. Doesn't always work but worth a shot. I got very fed up of co-sleeping in a similar situation. Did DD at 13mo and DS at 9mo.

DH did it all - bedtime routine, into cot, he sat on chair by the cot and said 'time for sleep' etc, only picking up baby if distressed crying rather than annoyed crying, then putting back down once no longer distressed. First night with DD took 45 mins, then 15 the second night. Moved chair away from cot gradually until he just sat in doorway or was outside the door. Did similar for night time wakings, sat by cot saying 'time for sleep'.

It was hard but within a few nights, DC would go off to sleep happily and get back to sleep themselves at night. I don't believe the people who say they're silently distressed, DD used to be delighted to go in her cot and would sing and chuckle to herself and play with her feet as she dropped off, or woke in the night.

You just need to change the sleep associations. Your DD has a set 'this is how I go to sleep' procedure in her head and you need to change it. She will be annoyed at the change but most kids adapt rapidly.

The families I know who went down the bed sharing gentle parenting route ended up with extended co-sleeping right up until the age of three or beyond. They can be much more adamant and forceful as toddlers! If you ever plan adding a DC2 to the mix as well, you basically end up with one parent sleeping with each child in separate rooms.

Good luck!

I also would want to try sleep training (and would definitely recommend you start with gradual retreat as a pp has described rather than controlled crying) BUT with one caveat first - how controlled is the eczema? Is there any chance that the hand movements you're talking about are her rubbing her hand/wrist because they're itchy (my son rubs his hands and wrists when his eczema is bad)? I'd want to be sure that she isn't uncomfortable first but if she isn't then I think I would try sleep training in your situation - well, I know I would because I did with my eldest and his sleep was awful but not quite this bad! It really was a game changer for us all and I shudder to think of us just carrying on like we were.

I'm not anti sleep training at all, I am just petrified it wouldn't work because my baby is so strong willed, and that we will spend a week or so trying really really hard and then end up having to give in anyway and so she will feel like we were just being mean to her for no reason. I took her on a coach trip last month and she wouldn't sleep on the coach as there was too much going on, then wouldn't sleep in the carrier and ended up being awake for 7.5 consecutive hours, and then napping for exactly thirty minutes, before being awake until we got home again at bed time. It was horrendous and I am petrified of her ability to stay awake indefinitely!

Thank you very much for your reply, I am strongly considering biting the bullet with sleep training in spite of what I've put above

Thanks @Hardbackwriter - the eczema is really quite well controlled - there's just a little patch where her nappy rubs that gets dry so I'm 99% confident she's not itchy!

Although she has been teething for about 37 years straight now!!

In your situation and if you can afford it I would consider getting a sleep consultant - but you want someone with qualifications and a lot of experience, not someone off a local Facebook group, so it can be pricey. Again, this is what we did and although people on MN often deride sleep consultants we found it so, so helpful to have someone to guide us and to check in with. Also in your case you have some quite complex sleep associations that I'd want to talk through how to tackle: the covered hand thing - and presumably this means that she has a dummy that she can't possibly replace herself? So you need to think about whether you want to take away the dummy or whether you'd want to keep it if she could do it herself, which means unwrapping her hands. In general it feels to me that you're going to need to 'give' her her hands if you're expecting her to settle down to sleep herself, but again I'd want the input of someone more experienced on whether this is right and if so how to go about it.

Thanks @Hardbackwriter - I think you're right about the hands thing. The health visiting team have actually promised me a visit from the sleep health visitor and she's coming in a few weeks so hopefully she'll be able to fill that role to an extent as I can't imagine we can find the cash for a sleep consultant (although actually it could be mine and DH's joint Xmas/anniversary gift to one another and would be an excellent investment in our relationship!!). Can I ask how you went about finding your sleep consultant?

I’d put her back in the cot and sleep train. Probably CC if she’s quite stubborn since it’s likely to work faster than more gentle methods but that’s really up to you. If you don’t feel confident doing it yourself then I’d look into a sleep consultant. Also, unwrap her hands so she can replace her own dummy. I throw about 10 in the cot with my 7MO and when he stirs, which he does most nights because he’s also a ridiculously light sleeper, he just reaches for one and goes back to sleep with no input required from us.

I have no real advice for you but just wanted to give you virtual hugs and let you know you're not alone. DD is slightly younger than yours (just turned 9 months) & I am trapped in a cycle of negative sleep associations & have basically become an attachment parent.

She still contact naps for all of her naps which I feed her to sleep for. If feeding to sleep fails, I am rocking and patting her bum (I know, throw the book at me). Night time is the same, except we co-sleep and she will sleep next to me, but if I move from her side she will roll over looking for me.

Literally can't even get up during the night to go to the toilet as I know it will mean she will wake up and I'll have to resettle her.

The plus side of all of this though, is that I'm getting relatively good sleep & have time to catch up on things I need to do. So for naps, while most of my time is wasted scrolling on mumsnet, I'm able to catch up with emails, househunt, organise things, do online shopping etc which I can't do when madam is awake.

During the night, unless she is going through a regression/teething/unwell she will wake up maybe once or twice so I haven't ever really had a point where I'm so earth shatteringly tired as I've seen others describe.

This only works for me because I don't live with my partner & I have no other children to look after though, if I did I'd probably be more inclined to change things. That being said, she's almost one!! So will definitely have to sort out her sleep routines in the near future & brace myself for tears.

I can't really remember quite how we started looking - I guess maybe just Google? - but we ended up with one that is quite well-known and I spent a while looking at online reviews and comments (including on Mumsnet). The one we went for is called Andrea Grace but I also remember looking at the Millpond Clinic. In both cases I liked that they had a long history of working as sleep consultants and that they were former health visitors, which is why they made my shortlist.

It cost about £300, I think (it was two years ago), which is a lot of money but DH and I both felt it was worth it.

@LakeShoreD she's never been in a cot - we had a next to me that she used for less than 24h ever as she screamed whenever we tried to put her down for the first three months of her life (many desperate threads were written and nothing helped except waiting for her to grow out of the fourth trimester!) So I'm quite concerned she's not going to know what on earth is going on when I put her in a cot. Hers is currently disassembled in the attic to make room for a mattress on her floor.

@Tee20x lots of sympathy from me - I hate the feeling of not daring to go for a wee in the night in case it triggers a loooong resettling session. And I feel you with the patting and rocking - every time I do it, I think that I oughtn't be but just feel like I don't have any choice!!

@Hardbackwriter thanks for the recommendations!! £300 is a lot of money but if I think of it as an hourly rate for being not stuck next to a sleeping baby, it will be excellent value!!

I also think you need a sleep consultant. If it is a huge expense for you, do you have family who would be willing to contribute instead of getting you a Christmas gift.

You can't beat the support of The Big Sleep Company. They have a free facebook group but their programmes are spot on and they do one to one if you've got the money for that.

Best thing we ever did.

[quote BlackcurrantTea]@Tee20x lots of sympathy from me - I hate the feeling of not daring to go for a wee in the night in case it triggers a loooong resettling session. And I feel you with the patting and rocking - every time I do it, I think that I oughtn't be but just feel like I don't have any choice!![/quote]
Yep,

I think for me though it's just laziness more than anything & me trying to take the easiest option. Like you I said when 4m regression passes I would make a start on establishing a self settling routine, then it became 6 months, then 8 months & now here I am just doing what I know works!

At some point though I think we will just have to bite the bullet and look back on this time and wonder why we didn't do it sooner!!

I agree with your concern about what if it doesn't work etc, but I think we just have to be consistent & not just hit a hurdle and give up, otherwise it would just be a lot of crying for no reason.

Can't remember where but I'm sure I read that it can take a few weeks to build sleep associations, so to just push through (as long as baby isn't crying in distress) - I'm no sleep expert though as you can tell haha.

Also I am the same with the next2me - think she's slept in it about twice, it's now become an extra large storage basket for clean washing.