Ferber Method

[EvaFabi]

Hello everyone!

Has anyone here struggled with the Ferber method (sleep training)?

We got through 3 days now and I’m not sure I can take it any longer. The number of wake-ups reduced significantly, but I am now sleeping in the other room and it’s my husband who’s with the little one over night as I wouldn’t be strong enough to let him cry without picking him up from his cot and feeding him to sleep.

Anyway, I struggle a lot and in past 3 days my son has developed a fear of bed time or so it seems. As soon as I bring him to the bedroom and start preparing him for his bath he starts crying and he keeps on crying while having a bath, trying to stand up and climb to my arms. I can tell he’s more anxious even during the day and when I am out of sight even for 10 seconds he starts looking for me.

He’s 10 months old and the main reason for sleep training is to reduce the number of wake-ups and get him to sleep in his own cot in the same bedroom with us.

Up until now he was partly sleeping in a cot but usually ended up co-sleeping as I had to feed him to sleep many times a night.

I want to give him a break during the day and thus I feed him to sleep for his day naps and usually let him sleep on my bed, but that changed now too. When I put him on the bed asleep he immediately wakes up and starts crying hysterically. So after 3 days he seems more anxious and stressed and is able to nap only held in my arms.

All of this makes me doubt this approach and in all honesty, I feel like I cry more these days than my son.

Do you have any advice on how to handle this and if it’s worth carry on with this method in these circumstances?

Thanks

Hi @EvaFabi I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to check and see if things got any better with your son? Considering the method for my baby...

Hi @LoveYouHoneybear,
It got slightly better I think, but we’re still not quite there yet. At bedtime, my son stops crying very quickly (after a minute or so) or sometimes he’s so drowsy he doesn’t cry at all when I put him in the cot. However, he still wakes up after midnight. I suspect this is because he needs a nappy change. I change him, sooth him in my arms and then put him back in the cot. This time the crying is harder and longer. Last night he cried on and off for nearly an hour. The trick is to leave the room, otherwise he wants to be picked up from the cot and if he knows I’m in the room he get more agitated. Our main issue now is that we have only 1 bedroom and we have to leave it in the middle of the night and only when we are 100% sure he’s asleep, we go back to bed. This makes the nights very difficult and in this sense, it was much easier to breastfeed the baby back to sleep and co-sleep. But I think it might be worth it in a long run. He then wakes up at 5:30am and I suspect he needs his feed so I feed him and we then usually start our day. My hope is to train him to sleep 12h straight, but at this point I would be grateful for even 8 uninterrupted hours. I’d say go for it, especially if you have an extra room just for the baby to sleep in.

Waking at night is totally developmentally normal for your baby. They are so so young still. They want to feel safe near you and I’m sorry this method sounds very upsetting for your baby and for you going against all your instincts.. what makes you think that 12 or even 8 hours sleep is realistic or normal for such a young child? Wait until they are older….sleep is developmental.

If he wakes up because he needs a nappy change then hopefully you do it? I don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect them to sleep through being uncomfortable in a wet nappy.

Sorry I see you do change him, but are you expecting him ideally to sleep through needing a change?

Oh my goodness! Pick your child up and comfort him! Good grief! This sounds absolutely barbaric and from the Victorian era.

Thank you all for your comments. Of course, I pick up my child to comfort him, the method is based on regular checks and comforting all the way through. I don’t expect my baby to sleep through the whole night and not changing him or feeding him if needed. It’s just that it happened before quite a few times when we were co-sleeping that he slept through the night without needing a nappy change. I didn’t opt for this method without having done a prior research and I read loads and loads about sleep cycles and patterns and all thing related. In this age (10mo) it is fairly normal babies sleep 10 to 12h straight over night which is what I was aiming for. I’m not doing this because I wish to sleep more, I have to go back to work soon and waking up 6 - 8 times a night is not going to be an option. I truly appreciate all your comments. Just wanted to say I came here for an advice and not for a judgment.

We did a dream nappy change for a bit (non Ferber training) maybe that would help you out?

Change the nappy at 10ish when you go to bed yourself and then he'll start a new sleep cycle.

Every child is different my first was awful and no method got her to sleep through, my second was an angel from the day be was born, He's now nearly 2 and sleeps 6.30-6.30 and has a 2 hour nap mid day, my daughter never did that!

We did Ferber at 8 months and it worked really well. Within a few days we were down to just whinging at bedtime and then just a happy content baby self settling. The night wake ups had already started to stop so I think Ferber just sped it up.

We've done it a few times following illness and it's even quicker and easier then

Best thing for us all

I think Dr Sears is much kinder than Dr Ferber. This is your child's brain development here, it will affect them their whole life.

Up to you if you want to persist or give up. But I don’t think you can treat day naps differently to night sleep so feeding to sleep / your bed is a no even in the day.

Good luck

Btw if you are going back to work and stil breast feeding have a think.

I went back at 5-6months many years ago and maintained breast feeding mainly by co sleeping / night feeding. We all got just about enough sleep that way.

I had a similar experience with controlled crying with my first. He became so anxious as soon as he knew it was close to bed time. It was heartbreaking so we stopped and decided to use a stay and support approach then gradual retreat which worked really well for us.

I feel for you! Sorry to read some of the judgemental comments. You are doing an excellent job so keep at it. I am struggling with my 6 month old, she sleeps in a cot same room as me but is a very light sleeper. Most nights it can take up to two hours to get her back to sleep after she wakes up for her night feed. And thats not the last of it either! Its exhausting and I'm yet to try any sleep training method. Keep up the good work! X

Hiya!

Hopefully things have gotten better for you and your LO!

One tip that I would do when we did Ferber method was to make the bedroom a fun place during non napping times - ie play in the crib so it wasn’t always associated with you putting them down and leaving (not sure if this is the right thing to do but worked for us)

A baby at 10 months is definitely able to sleep for 8-12 hours (depending on the baby) so it isnt unreasonable for you to try to help them along with this - also sleep is restorative and aides development so by helping them sleep you are helping them develop

There are also other methods to consider if Ferber doesn’t work - it just doesn’t for some babies and that’s fine it’s not the only option!

I found ‘nap training’ really hard and in the end just continued to feed to sleep for a while until night time sleep was sorted - you could look into wake windows - it’s a bit of a pseudo science but basically gives a guide on how long babies can be awake for before needing a nap - I also found that once naps were sorted bedtime became a lot easier!

At the end of the day it sounds like you are just trying to do what’s best for your baby and that’s what it’s all about! Also sleep deprivation for parents is awful and doesn’t need to happen! It’s not cruel to want everyone to get a good nights sleep!