Advice from experienced co sleeper please

[ExcitingTimes2021]

Baby is only three and half week old but refuses to settle in her next to me crib. It’s a battle that takes hours every night. I have swaddled her, walked her around rocking, tried music, white noise and silence, night light and darkness nothing seems to settle her at night. I nurse her to sleep. Transfer her to the crib, she lasts maybe 10 mins then she wakes up and will not settle til she is picked up again and nursed back to sleep.
I started to trying to get her down at 7pm last night and everything I tried didn’t work. She wouldn’t settle and just screamed with dad so he couldn’t even take her off me so I could have a break. I kept nursing her to sleep and putting her down but the cycle just continued. At 1am I had enough and just let her lie next to me in bed and she fell asleep straight away and slept for nearly 4 hours! Then woke for a quick feed, nappy change and fell back asleep for another hour and half! It’s not the first time I have let her sleep next to me in despiraton. I fell asleep briefly Nursing her on my chest the other night so thought it would be safer if she was at least flat on my bed when I get to the point where I feel myself nodding.

Basically it has never been my plan to co sleep. I have the fancy next to me crib which is apparently useless as she feels she isn’t close enough to me. Before I let her sleep in my bed i read all the guidance on safe co sleeping and think I’m following the safe seven advise. I don’t smoke, not drinking at the moment, no drugs or medications, I’m breast feeding, I slept in the c shape with her on my side so partner and me couldn’t roll on her. The next to me crib is making a barrier so she can’t roll out of bed. I tucked the pillow behind my head so it couldn’t flop on her. Tucked the duvet between my knees so that wouldn’t flop on her either. I stripped her to the vest and just used a Muslin as a blanket for her so my body heat wouldn’t make her too warm. She is only three and half weeks old and now weights 7lb 9oz so weight is ok. Mattress isn’t the firmest in the world and is a pocket style one so has the little dimples in it. So it not completely flat and firm. I don’t want it to be a regular or long term solution but do any experienced co sleepers have any words of wisdom? Any advise on how to make sure she is safe? How do you arrange bedding to make sure it doesn’t flop on her? I don’t think I could sleep not covered up. Or should I just try to nip this in the bud and keep going with putting her in the crib over and over hoping for sleep? I will try the crib every night but when she just won’t settle I feel like I don’t have a choice and I need some sleep to function and keep her safe all through the day aswell.

Thanks for any advise or shared experience anyone can offer! X

At that age DS didn’t go to bed in his cot until 10-11pm. He would cluster feed for a good couple of hours in lead up to this time so there was no way he would settle away from me. It may be that your DD is the same. I know it’s totally exhausting but could you keep her with you so she could feed as much as she needs and put her down later? As she grows it will get easier to get her to settle earlier and for longer.

Re cosleeping, Lullaby Trust is the best place for advice. I think they have a helpline if you want to check anything. I did try it for a few weeks (it’s super common in the country I live in) but it wasn’t for me.

I coslept for 6 months with each of mine then they were happy to go into their own bed/room. My DH slept in another room as we were both worried about him being in the bed as well.

I did what you've described with the blankets and didn't use a pillow at all.

I think mine used to sleep in a baby sleep bag. At this time of year I didn’t have a duvet. I did used to make sure they had easy access to my breast, mainly because I was knackered and couldn’t be arsed to sit up.

At this age I’d expect them to be feeding like crazy due to growth and brain developments. I don’t think things really settle down until about 6 weeks when your supply is established. The more they cry and feed the more milk you make. It’s exhausting but best to go with the flow. If you can master breastfeeding laying down it will help you so much.

I co slept with all of mine. I slept with warm pj's and had the duvet pulled right down the bottom of the bed so it only came over my legs. Dh slept in the spare room, he needed a full night's sleep for work anyway so it worked well for us. I used a small square cushion for a pillow.
Unless it's really hot where you are though I would have baby dressed a bit warmer than that. Pj's or onesie and a light blanket.

I’m not experienced but following with interest. DS is 6 weeks. If he doesn’t want to settle I breastfeed him lying down until we both drop off so I can get some sleep. I don’t find it especially comfortable but a light dressing gown is enough to keep me covered and breast accessible for DS. Sounds like you’re doing everything safely.

Put the mattress on the floor.
Put your pillows aside for the next year.
Don't swaddle or restrict a baby in bed with you.
Never drink or take drugs.
Keep her on your side, not between you. Fathers are not as tuned in to babies. Sounds sexist, it's not it's just how it is.
I used a warm top, pulled up, to keep my shoulders warm.
I kept my duvet away from her and she had her own little cover over her.
She survived - she's nearly forty now.

@HairyMaryMyCanary

Put the mattress on the floor. Put your pillows aside for the next year. Don't swaddle or restrict a baby in bed with you. Never drink or take drugs. Keep her on your side, not between you. Fathers are not as tuned in to babies. Sounds sexist, it's not it's just how it is. I used a warm top, pulled up, to keep my shoulders warm. I kept my duvet away from her and she had her own little cover over her. She survived - she's nearly forty now.

I have no idea why but this made me well up, thinking of you doing that 40 years ago! (I am due my period 😂)

I could have written your post at 3 weeks. I had a baby that would not sleep in a cot. I tried everything. She was prone to reflux so if left crying for a short amount of time would cause her to be sick everywhere. so we shared the bed. 2.5 years later my thoughts are: I wish I hadn't tried to fight it all so hard and gone with the flow. I wasted a lot of time and energy. She knew what she needed, which was someone close to her. she sleeps well in her own toddler bed now. travelling was easy though as we never bothered packing a travel cot. I still love the snuggles.
I recommend Sweet Sleep by La Leche League. It really changed my mindset and gave me a lot of validation and confidence.

I wore a button down long sleeved nightie, and used an adult sized cellular blanket (small holes lessens risk) and a small toddler pillow. Had baby in a baby sleeping bag.

Sounds like she wants to cluster feed? My first did from 10pm to 3am every night for AGES. Not sure when that changed but I think around 12 weeks she got herself into a better breastfeeding routine and started sleeping earlier. But it was maybe a year before that became 7pm.
Re co-sleeping, I mostly slept in warm leggings and a hoody I could pull up to breastfeed. Was too freaked about blankets. I followed the lullaby trust advice.

I used to have her (many girl babies!) in a sleeping bag and me in a cardie but all autumn babies so not so worried about over heating. Dad in a separate room always as no point waking him too especially as with cosleeping I genuinely felt that I slept 8-8

I've been co-sleeping for over six months now and I put my baby down with no cover of any kind - she doesn't mind not having one. I sleep with my cover cocooned around me like a bath towel so there's no loose bits that can get near her, and I sort of angle my pillow so it's almost parallel with my back behind my head so it's nowhere near her either (although I often use my arm as a pillow and sort of curve it round her).

I didn't set out to co sleep - I remember smugly bragging that a next to me crib was all the advantages of co sleeping with none of the disadvantages... My baby treated the snüzpod like a pit of snakes and wouldn't be put down in it at all ever. Do what works for you. You are doing amazingly and the fact that you're making sure to follow all the guidelines makes co sleeping a safe and sensible choice!

(I never got the hang of feeding lying down though! I just blearily sit up for a few mins then flop back down!)

You sound like you're doing a fab job @ExcitingTimes2021

From everything you've said it looks like you've already read Lullaby Trust advice, if you haven't, please do, everything you need to know about co- sleeping safely is contained in there.

The breastfeeding network also have great information on this topic.

I bought a co- sleeper for my first born and it became clear within the first few days that it was only useful as a barrier between bed and floor and as space to store my water bottle, spare muslins and nappies 🙈.

I co-slept with both of my children until shortly before their third birthday. Co-sleeping was a real life saver. Sleeping next to them meant that everyone in the house slept more. I used a thin bed sheet, pyjama trousers and wore a dressing gown and bed socks to keep warm.

I'm so pleased I co-slept with them, looking back it was a very special time, a real moment in time, unlikely to ever be repeated. Neither child has returned to my bed since they left, the transition to their own rooms and beds seemed pretty seamless.

Thanks for the advise ladies. I have been checking all day and there where no replies so was lovely to log in now and see some suggestions.

We dont have a spare room at the moment as we turned the spare room in to her nursery, but I have suggested we buy a blow up mattress for him to sleep on if he is struggling. Or me and baby. Will see how it goes. I would ideally like us to stay in the same bed as we are very close.

It has been really hot here the last few nights. The thermometer in my bedroom says 22/23 degrees so that’s why we have just been wearing a vest with a Muslin blanket for her. It’s a bit cooler tonight so she has a baby grow and vest on but we are chilling on the couch at the moment. I don’t dare venture upstairs as that is where all hell breaks loose.

Yes she is cluster feeding at the moment. And it’s making it harder to get sleep. I get that this is going to happen but I also need to be able to function through the day aswell as night.

My friend has suggested a Moses basket as the smaller space might be more comforting for her. So we are borrowing one from a relative so will see if that helps.
I do feel a lot better about the option of co sleeping. I was feeling so guilty like I was doing the wrong thing, but hearing all your experiences has helped me to realise that I’m not an horrible mother for letting her into my space. Some people made me feel like it was so unsafe and I was going to harm her and I should sit up all night holding her.

If she keeps coming into my bed I’ll try find an adult cellular blanket. Iv got small ones but not big enough for me, just big enough for little ones crib. For now I’ll do that thing where you push the duvet down and tuck it in. Don’t know how I will cope with no pillows though coz I normally have three. Love my pillows!

Sounds exactly how it began with us, same situation exactly and same safety measures taken... to be honest I just gave up being so particular and realised that it was a natural thing to be close to me... I was actually told by my retired midwife Aunty that no other species put their young away from them to sleep so why should we

She still pops into our bed at two years old but mostly sleeps in her cot now. I know it's nerve wracking making sure it's all safely done but you're more in tune with your baby than anyone, enjoy the closeness & be assured that she'll sleep in a cot eventually, she just wants to be close

Also op, maybe try putting her to bed very early, at that age mine were often exhausted by 7pm and would have screaming fits which resulted in being unsettled for hours. I tried a 6pm bed and it was much better.

@TheVolturi
Aww! It was lovely. We co-slept officially until she was five, breastfed till four, and she continued to snuggle in with me when she wanted until she left home. She breastfed her daughter for three months longer than I did her, and co-sleeps with her now. Dgd is nine.

All the best with it OP. Enjoy the snuggles! Just wanted to emphasise not to sleep with the baby on an inflatable mattress as that would be dangerous with the lack of support. Save that for your DP.

If she’s waking, could it be that she needs winding? There are ways to do this without waking the baby. One of mine needed a lot of winding - much longer than you’d think. I learned to recognise that his legs went from stiff-ish to floppy when he was fully winded. I thought one burp was enough but in his case it took several.

Other tricks were warming the bed so they’re not going from your warmth to a cold sheet - though that’s probably not the problem this time of year.

And, instead of putting a freshly laundered sheet on their bed, wear it under your top for a while so it smells of you.

I think that 7 pm is too early for a 3 week old to go to bed. Have you tried letting her feed and sleep intermittently on you until 10 pm ? At some point you will notice a particular time that she really wants to go to sleep - that's the point to try with the crib. No point forcing her if she hates it as it will just create a negative association. Sleeping should be a happy thing.

As for co sleeping I have duvet at waist level and use a light blanket to cover my shoulder. Pillow is fine as long as it's not near the baby. My baby's head is further down the bed than that so no chance of any problems.

Co sleeping is safe if done carefully, so don't feel overly worried or guilty. You might only need to do it for a few weeks until the baby gets into more of a sleep routine

Well it’s a week later and no improvement. If anything her sleep has gotten worse. She wouldn’t even settle next to me last night! I’m not sure how much longer I can go with no sleep. It’s making me hate being a mum. I hate going upstairs with her as I know it’s just going to be a battle to try get us both some sleep x

Don’t use a blow up mattress as they are usually PVC which is pretty toxic and offgasses fumes. Not safe for a newborn baby’s room.
I co slept for years and years with one baby then another. It was the easiest option that gave us all the most sleep.

Silent reflux resulting in hating lying flat?

OP I hear you. DS was awful until weaning he was never sick but you could smell a vomity smell on his breath.

Bed share with DD who sleeps 11-5 and everyone in the household is better for the sleep

Have you got her in a sleeping bag?

20° or less and you want a 2.5 tog (which is the normal weight).

From your earlier descriptions, baby may be cold.

OP you have my sympathy, it's complete shit not being able to sleep, no matter how adorable your baby is!

Both my 2 were crap sleepers, with the first I was too paranoid to let her sleep in my bed. I tried so hard to do everything "right" but it probably would have been much safer in balance to co-sleep; I was so sleep deprived I hardly had a clue what was going on and my mental health was not the best.

With my second I realise it was going to be similar, so I threw the towel in early doors and got her in the bed! Like you I had a barrier on one side to stop her falling out. Slept in my dressing gown with duvet up to knees only, or sometimes a sleeping bag. Slept on my side. I think at that stage you sleep so lightly that you wake at the slightest movement YOU make, let alone the baby!

Even then it sometimes wasn't enough and I literally had to sleep with my face touching her face before she'd drop off. Bloomin' babies. You sound like you've given it a lot of thought and I'm sure it'll help a lot.