Why won’t my baby sleep?

[Paperyfish]

Why won’t my 5 month old sleep? I am at my wits end. She just won’t sleep. Why?
We have…..
White noise
Pink light
A bedtime routine
Her own comfy cot
We leave her to self settle, but do pu pd if she gets distressed
Her own room in which I sleep on a roll out next to her cot
Her room is a good temperature
We are consistent on day naps
She is not hungry
She is just…….awake
All the bloody time
I am broken.
Why the hell won’t she sleep?
My Nct friends complain when their baby only does 3 hour blocks. I wish my baby would do three hour blocks. Even 2 hour blocks would do.
I want to stop.
Yes, I’ve tried cot sleeping. No, it doesn’t work
I honestly think my baby hates me

Oh. This is the wrong place to post this. I’m sorry. I’m to tired to function any more

She has broken me

Oh OP, I had one like this. Actually two. It’s so relentless.

Is there any way you and DP can stay over with someone else for a night each so that you can at least get a bit rested before you go insane?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a horrible feeling. I've not really got any advice, I can't get my 2 year old to sleep through the night (although I do now get a few hours at a time so don't lose all hope!). It sounds like you are doing all the right things so it will come naturally, hopefully very soon. Sometimes it just takes time! In the meantime do you have someone to share the load?

Hopefully MNHQ can move this to the correct board for you too.

Keep heart there'll be an answer on here
If you would like the thread moved to another topic you need to "report" it and MN towers will move it for you so you get best traffic.
I hope you get her to settle soon.

I love her so much - but whats the point. I’m clearly useless. I can’t parent.

@Paperyfish

I love her so much - but whats the point. I’m clearly useless. I can’t parent.

Yes you can lovely- your doing everything you can, sometimes it just never bloody works!

My two little darlings (or as I fondly call them in my head at 3am, arseholes) have been nightmares sleepwise. They tag team on sleep constantly (hence posting this at 4am, my 2 year old wide awake). I tried all of the list you posted, the pressure and feeling of failure when your doing it all and nothing works is horrible, I really feel for you. You need to give yourself a break, slash that list!

Your doing great, it's so hard to function on no sleep, mentally and physically, your not failing anything

I have no advice other than what you have tried already but wanted to say it will get better. 5 months is still very tiny. As she grows and develops she will sleep longer. Do you have anyone who can help? My MIL used to take mine out for long pram walks so I could catch up a bit in the day.

It does get better I promise 💕 just stick with it. Your a great mummy and your LO is changing. I had it all sorted naps and then within past couple weeks it's all changed with 4am to 5am wake ups. I promise you it does get better then changes, its a phase. Keep repeating to yourself it's a phase and do what you can xxx

You ok @Paperyfish?

The baby stage is really hard - this is what it’s like for many, many people.

It’s not you or your parenting. I know that for sure - It’s your baby who just happens to be one of those that doesn’t sleep. She doesn’t mean it to be horrible for you and she definitely doesn’t hate you, although I completely understand that it might feel that way to you. But you are her whole world, her whole body loves you.

Severe sleep deprivation is truly horrendous and you’re not the only one who’s been broken by it.

It will get better.

Is there anyone who can take a turn being with her so you can get some proper sleep?

@Paperyfish I hope you’ve been back to read the thread. Talking here if you need to might help you to feel there is some light at the end of the tunnel. So please don’t feel you can’t come back.

It doesn’t stay dark forever...I’ve heard many women say they were completely broken, and they’ve each said that in time the sun does start to shine again.

Is she crying or just awake? If it is just awake, leave her to it. Go back to your own bed.

I'm going to sound like a smug arsehole, but that's not my intention. I'm trying to demonstrate that this is nothing within your control. My DC both slept through early on without a consistent routine, without nap time schedules, without pick up/put down, without knowing the temperature of their room etc. None of this stuff guarantees a baby that sleeps, regardless of what people selling it will tell you. Cut yourself some slack. Get someone else to watch them for a few nights while you catch up on some sleep. You can guarantee the little will sleep through for them though.

No, I’m not doing ok. Her sleep is getting worse. I’m doing everything I can think of. I am left with three possibilities

1. something is wrong with her. That’s why sleep training isn’t working. Therefore why bother trying
2. there’s something wrong with my. That’s why I can’t make her sleep. Therefore why bother trying
3. the sleeping training process is flawed. Therefore why bother trying?

She is just…….awake
All the bloody time

When you say she’s awake, is she constantly crying or screaming? Or just lies there with her eyes open for longer than you’d think she should?

Would you like to breakdown your daily routine into tiny detail, naps, feeds, baths, going out, at home? Tell us about every moment.

Maybe some fresh eyes from more experienced mums could shed some light for you?

Sleep deprivation is awful.

To begin with - have you talked to your GP about how you are feeling? Your posts seem like catastrophising and that's a red flag for PND.

Anti depression/anxiety medication won't change anything with your baby's sleep, but will help you cope a bit better with life as it is.

Regarding your baby's sleep: We leave her to self settle - you may well e underestimating how much help babies need to feel comforted enough to relax into sleep.

Your list of things to try all assume your baby can do this without you. How about thinking of ways you could physically make her feel comforted and relaxed. For example:

• Sucking. Feeding to sleep or dummy
• Movement. Rocking to sleep, bouncing her, pram or car journey
• Physical closeness - cuddling her to sleep in your arms. Cosleeping.

Do you do any of these @Paperyfish?

It sounds like she needs sleep.. Fate, not medication.

A few things.
Babies don’t sleep well because (and when someone told me this it was like a lightbulb went off- it was so obvious) they don’t realise that when they are tired sleep will make them feel better.

Now on to more practical things.

• it’s possible to try too many things at once. It’s possible that she’s far too young to sleep train. What you want are long term good sleep habits. So what sometimes happens is that kids are great sleepers as babies (or are sleep trained efficiently) and then they get to 4/5 or 7/8 and suddenly they are up and down the stairs like a yo yo. And you can’t sleep train at that age really. So what you want to create is a good association between bedtime and sleep. And babies love love consistency.
• what worked for us was having the exact same routine roughly at the same time. So warm bath, dim lights, story, feed and put down. Did they then sleep for 12 hours? Hah NO. DS1 fed every 2 hours. But I stayed in the dark with him and very quickly even if he fed a lot he distinguished night from day.
• sleep problems are often made up of multiple discrete things. Is she having trouble falling asleep? Is she falling asleep okay but then waking up? Is she having trouble connecting sleep cycles? Or all of the above.
• the reason these 3 day sleep things are bogus (according to me) is that each separate problem needs 2-3 weeks to solve. So with DS1 I first taught him very gently to fall asleep without my boob using the pantley pull off. Then after a month or so I moved him into his own cot. Then when he woke up between a certain time so roughly 10-3 I stopped feeding and would shush or offer water. That was hell for a bit but gradually I needed to shush less and he got better at sleep cycles. Then I dropped the 3/4 am feed. And finally the 10 pm feed. All of this lasted from 8-14 months. And then he had a minor regression at 18 months. (Needed his nap time adjusted).
• if she’s having trouble falling asleep think about how she falls asleep and also the gap between her last nap and bedtime.
• if she’s having trouble connecting sleep cycles some recommend lightly waking them before the next cycle so just before 40 mins and gently shushing and rocking so they learn to connect from one to the next. (This was hit or miss with mine). What worked with mine was sometimes letting them grizzle.

Finally if she’s awake and NOT crying then let her be. Some kids need minimal handling (hello DS2) and fall asleep best without shushing and rocking but need less sleep overall.

She has a bath at 6pm.
Half hour wind down in bed room with dim lights same lullaby amd cuddles
Bed at 7
Into cot drowsy but awake. I sit by her cot until she settles to sleep. This can take upwards of 40 mins. If she gets upset I start by reassuring her by patting, sushing. If she properly cries I pick her up and calm her for a minute or two, but return her to the cot to fall asleep on her own.
Last night she…
Sleep at 7
Woke 7.45
Sleep 8
Woke 9.10
Sleep 9.15
Woke 1.30
Sleep 2.00
Woke 2.15
Sleep 2.30
Woke 6.00
So far today …
Bottle at 7
Put down for nap 8.
Woke 8.45
Bottle 11
Put down for nap 12.15
Woke 1.10

Nothing works.

Also she’s far far too young to self settle for the most part. There are some magical babies that do this but the vast majority are not really self settling at 5 months.
Friends would say their babies slept for 4 hours and then I would find out that in that 4 hours they needed their dummy replacing and patting 6 times.
Pick up and put down might work with some babies- it ENRAGED mine.

The best advice I ever got was from my MIL (batshit but experienced) who said just watch your baby and do what works for them. You have more of an instinct than you think you do (although this is harder when you are acutely sleep deprived). DS1 needed to be held a lot. DS2 didn’t. DS1 liked a short morning nap an hour after waking up and a long afternoon one. DS2 liked a long but late morning nap. And a short afternoon nap. DS1 needed total darkness. DS2 wasn’t fussed DS1 hated being rocked and shushed but liked being patted. DS2 hated patting but didn’t mind being rocked. DS1 hated the cot. DS2 was fine with it. DS1 slept a little later but also slept in. (Still does, he’s 9). DS2 falls asleep early and quickly but is an early morning child (he’s 4).
Your baby will already have preferences and a personality. (DS1 needed to get away from everything and chill in a dark room before he could fall asleep- he’s still quiet and needs his own space; DS2 is nosey and has acute FOMO, but can fall asleep anywhere).

It might be the night routine is too long. And that it’s too early. When is her last nap?

What if you do bedtime at 7, and aim for sleep by 8?

She’s doing a few 2.5-3 hour stretches. That’s great.

Also she clearly falls asleep very quickly when she wakes up. She isn’t awake for hours at night. That’s great.

Can you try putting her to bed later? Maybe she’s just not tired at 7.

My 5 month old doesn’t have a set bedtime, we start the bedtime routine when he gets tired, which is when it’s been about 2.5-3hrs since he woke up from his last nap.
This can vary between 6.30-8.30. If we try before he’s been awake for 2.5hrs there’s just no point because he won’t go to sleep.

You’re not doing anything wrong btw, my DS wakes up a lot during the night. He wakes up to be fed every 3.5-4 hours and will stir in between that too, but usually if i put his dummy in he will go back.

Her daytime naps sound fine. 40 mins is a sleep cycle-ish. And she’s done two 40 mins nap. Ideally the lunch time one would be another 40 mins but it’s fine. At this stage if she’s not distressed, maybe aim for another nap around 3:30-4ish?