Husband really struggling with sleep depravation - advice??

[FrogCollector]

Not sure if this is the right place to post, sorry if not. But I'm worried about my husband. Our DD was born 8 days ago and is beautiful and healthy. Of course with her being so young sleep is hard to come by, and my husband is really struggling with sleep depravation. Since we came home from the hospital a week ago he seems to be constantly headachy and complains of feeling exhausted and burnt out.

It doesn't help that our little one has a tongue tie that prevents her from nursing well at the breast. She lost more weight than the midwives were happy with over her first five days and so although I'm continuing to breastfeed, we're topping her up with formula and expressed breast milk. Of course this is a lot of work, sterilising and heating etc., and my husband has stepped up and is doing most of the bottle feeds, winding and so forth, which means less sleep for him as of course DD wakes for feeds several times a night, plus she has wakeful periods where she stops up for three hours at a time! (She isn't crying or agitated, we think she just wants to be awake for a bit).

I want to emphasise that he's pulling his weight, he adores our DD but his exhaustion/headaches are worrying me. He's due to go back to work next week (night shifts, can you believe it) so things will get even more hectic. We have lots of family support and my phenomenal Mum has stopped overnight a couple of times to give hubs a night off, but this isn't a viable long term solution. I'm finding the sleep depravation much easier to cope with, so I'm hoping that once the tongue tie is sorted (we're being referred to have it snipped, hopefully in the next week or so) DD will feed better at the breast, reduce the need for top ups at night and let hubs sleep more, but this might not happen.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm trying to let him nap as much as possible during the day and sleep at night by doing nappy changes, rocking baby to sleep etc. but at the end of the day I need his support - I can't look after him AND a new baby! Of course things will get easier with DD as time goes on, but right now he's struggling. Does anyone have any advice/suggestions, or will he just have to suck it up for now?

Is he generally healthy?

If so, I’m afraid I struggle to have sympathy for him! You’ve been pregnant for 9 months, you’ve given birth, and your BFing! Sod ‘letting him nap’.

The best baby purchase we ever bought was a spare bed for the spare room for my DH to sleep in peace. He was useless with no sleep so it was easier to let him sleep in the spare room.

Is this a serious post? You've just birthed a whole child and this fella is mithering over a week of disturbed sleep?

That’s normal. Hello baby goodbye sleep. Yes he should be pulling his weight that’s his baby. I bet you’re not sleep too that’s normal after a newborn. Don’t worry about him

So your mum has stepped in and in the eight days he has had at least a couple of full nights? Is there another issue with his health because I would hope that with extra naps during the day your husband should be coping ok?

I mean if you're that worried about him and you're doing fine, then the obvious solution surely is for you to do most of the night wakings? But before you do that think very carefully about the sexual politics here. You should both be getting similar amounts of unbroken sleep and similar amounts of time to wash, eat, and just .. stare into space. If you had anything other than a sneeze birth then you get more rest than him and stop mothering him. He is an adult!

With kindest of intentions, yes he needs to suck it up.
Your baby is 8 days old, you've said he's not back at work yet. Your mother has helped for a few nights. So hes had what 5 nights if broken sleep, without any work to go to, and you're facilitating day time naps.

Maybe he needs to see his GP as it sounds as though, although it's broken hes getting enough sleep in total.

I hope once he's back to work that he's not further exhausted and therefore unable to 'help out'

What hours does he usually work? Could it be that actually hes exhausted because suddenly hes awake during the day where as usually he'd be asleep post shift?

The best things we did was shifts. Luckily hubs is a night owl and im an early bird so he would be on baby duty until midnight, doing a final feed then bringing him up to me. He would then sleep in the spare room. I would do a final pump a 8-9pm then go to bed guaranteeing 3-4 hours of sleep before the first night waking. He was working so he would get 6-7hours consistently.

Find a way to give each other a break, even iif it is just for 30 minutes for a shower. I slept on the third floor of our house which meant i couldnt hear any crying which usually made me wake up in a panic. Being out of earshot meant i could properly relax.

I thought I'd probably just have to tell him 'life's tough right now, deal with it!' Healthwise, he's fine physically but does suffer from anxiety and has had mild depression in the past, so I suppose I didn't want his tiredness to trigger any mental health issues. But if he can cope mentally I'll just leave him to it!

I do think that different people ha e different tolerances/triggers for sleep deprivation and it might be worth trying to work out what yours are and seeing if there's a solution that can accommodate both of you. For instance, dh cannot tolerate broken sleep, it makes him feel similarly to your dh but he can survive on a limited amount of unbroken sleep - he is Used to jet lag in his job plus years of uni lectures straight after clubbing are to blame!! So he couldn't deal with dd waking every 2 hours to feed but quite happily sat up with her til 2am watching shite on TV, whole I slept from 9-2ish and then could deal with a chunk of sleep is some broken bits after that too. So maybe worth playing around a bit with what works for you

We had dts and DH had a depressive episode shortly afterwards, sleep deprivation was a definite contributor to this.
DH it turns out has no capacity to manage disturbed sleep.

I agree to trying to find a solution that works for you both. If he ends up with significant depression you could be left looking after him and baby for months.
(Not that telling him to suck it up isn't tempting)

Does he normally work nights - before the baby? If so he is likely to have already disturbed sleep patterns. Sleep deprivation is hard, and it sounds like you have had a tough week with the feeding issues etc, so he is probably stressed as well. Practically there is not much you can do, as a pp said, try and work out a pattern that works for you- dh used to have our dc from about 8.30 until midnight, and some mornings depending on how the night was, but I tended to do proper middle of the night stuff. We both got some sleep.

My DP was still a firefighter when our first was born. There was no way I was letting him put himself or others in danger by being sleep deprived, so I did all of night wakings and he did early mornings while I stayed in bed, plus he had her on days he wasn’t working while I had a long afternoon sleep (exclusively FF though, so easier for him to take over).

With DD2, DP now works high up a ladder so I’m still insisting on doing all night wakes and he takes early mornings and makes sure both children are fed, dressed and breakfasted before work.

Could you do some kind of arrangement like this if he really can’t cope with night wakes?

I must admit, when my LO was born and the OH was off my OH did till like 1am (bad sleeper and I was asleep by 7pm ish) and I did the rest of night and early morning. Untill about 12pm then I go wake him so I could shower rest etc.

When he went back to work he literally did from 7pm till 11pm ish, and no night feeds. He got her to sleep as she was a nightmare. I just couldn't do it. I needed the sleep 😂

Now at almost 6 months I do all feeds except the dreamfeed at 11pm ish. I let him sleep, and if it's a bad night for LO I kick him into spare room. When he comes home he has LO on and off until she goes bed at 630pm ish.

I think it depends on what you can manage and what your happy with - I'm on maternity leave so I'm happy with that now. But at the beginning I was almost pissed off he had more sleep undisturbed then me. But now with a bedtime routine and her asleep by 630/7 I get like 8 hours sleep.

Though ask me tomorrow if we have a bad day or night I might change my mind and be mega pissed at the other half 😂

Sorry not much help but offering my experience

Oh and on my OH days off he has her about half the day so I can catch up on bits and get a snooze. Your find a routine that fits you. It does get easier and he will get used to it promise x x

Is LO having tie tongue snipped?

Just keep being a team and find ways that help both of you without causing resentment. Tag team so that you can both sleep, have a bed away from baby that you alternate in.

Update: DH and I had a talk last night, with me saying in the nicest way possible that we had to deal with his fatigue as I really need his support and can't look after both him and DD. DH explained, after a bit of umming and ahing, that it wasn't the tiredness he was really struggling with, but headaches! In the last few weeks before DD arrived he'd been getting mild headaches that usually went after a bit of sleep. He didn't mention this at the time as they were mild and I was in the last few weeks of pregnancy. However, since DD came home lack of sleep and stress have meant he's been having some really nasty pain that's making him struggle to function at times. He's been trying to sleep as much as possible but it hasn't resolved things. We think it's eye-related as he's discovered by accident that if he wears his glasses all the time (he normally only has them for reading) the pain dies down.

So, long story short he's getting his eyes checked ASAP and will continue to wear glasses. I'd thought the fatigue was weird as he's done demanding night shifts before and while tired hasn't been wiped out as he has this past week. I wish he'd said something sooner but that comes standard - he never would have gone to the doctor over his anxiety if I hadn't mithered him into it. If getting DD's tongue sorted allows her to nurse better then we can work out a shift system that will let us rest a bit more. Fingers crossed.

Progress, hope he resolves it.