2 year old has never put himself to sleep

[Carolinaa]

First post after reading tons of wisdom over the last 2 years.

My son is now 2 and 2 months and still can’t fall asleep himself. Every single night I have sat with him on my knee and breast fed / held him til he fell asleep then transferred him to his own bed once deeply enough asleep. It takes on average 2 hours, sometimes 3. If he wakes when I move him he won’t resettle and we have to start again. Now he’s older he often doesn’t fall asleep on the breast - once he’s ready he just lies quietly on my knee til he nods off.

He just will not let me put him in his cot awake. He stands up and screams the house down. I have never tested how long this could go on as I’ve always given in and picked him up first, but he has done easily 45 mins with me in and out, or 15 mins on his own.

We’ve never done real sleep training properly. I’ve tried bits and pieces from Sarah Ockwell smith and Elizabeth Pantley but never got anywhere with the gentle methods - essentially unless he is in a totally deep sleep so he has no idea he’s being put in his cot, he wakes up and screams. He’s got good language now so he understands what is said but will not accept he should lie down quietly and try to sleep in his own cot.

We’ve tried talking about it and reading books like good night moon and pointing out when book characters go to sleep in their own beds. He seems to get that but doesn’t accept it should apply to him.

However it’s not all bad. Once he’s down he does now sleep through most nights. But I really need to be able to do something with my evenings other than his bedtime. I’d really appreciate any ideas!

Hi all, I'm not sure if I'm in the right group or if anyone can give me advice on my 21 month old son. He's never been a great sleeper but since he was about 12 months it's been terrible waking crying every hour or so. my partner works full time and I'm part time so we are both exhausted. I've put him in bed with me now because I was sick of getting up all the time. I've tried night lights, pillow spray, earlier bedtime, later bedtimes, no naps or split naps, long naps, controlled crying, extra food etc. I'm now lost I just need a good night sleep. He's so energetic all day even though he wakes so much at night. He's always sleep between 7 and 8pm and wake around 6.30 to 7.30am but its every hour or so then just crys and then back to sleep once he knows I'm there but then I'm awake then again. Does Anyone have advice please the gp basically said he will grow out of it

Goodness, this is a difficult one I think, 2 is a tricky age. I think what I would do is change to a bed, stop bf to sleep so maybe do bf on chair, get into bed, book, then sit in the room with him, hold his hand, give him comfort, but he stays in his bed. And baton down the hatches that he may kick off. Stay calm. Tbh 2yo it'll be hard going because he knows what he wants but doesn't have the understanding for explanations. But that doesn't mean don't do it. Stay calm. Work together.

My DS is 3½ and we still lay with him till he falls asleep. He has always been a terrible sleeper but we never wanted to sleep train.

However our bed routine has got much easier since he turned 3 and we moved him into his single bed. It's far more comfortable and we can lay with him and sneak out rather than wait for deep sleep and transfer.

Some tips would be to get a sleep training Gro clock. We have the Purflo one and make a big thing out of the moon coming up and to stay in bed until morning sun. He loves his clock.

Also ensure the room is very dark.

Put cushions or a mattress down next to the bed in case he rolls out or you can sleep in there if he needs someone in the night.

When laying with him, a regular routine (so boring when people hark on about routine!). We do two stories, then lights out and a song then sleep.

Pretend you're asleep if he is being chatty and lively and he will soon follow suit.

I think DS would respond fine now if we said goodnight and left him to it, but I've grown to love that time of day!

@Carolinaa

Haha yes til he’s p, sometimes 12, every night. I think lockdown made it more bearable - nowhere else to be! But now there is the option of going out again I’d quite like to have a bit more of a normal life again.

I think I’ll try the bed. We don’t have space for a double so it will probably end up with me squashed into the toddler bed, but I will at least be able to sneak off once he falls asleep, not have to move him. If that cuts 30/45 mins off the total time then that’s definitely worth doing for now.

I have tried earlier bed time before and it didn’t help but maybe I should try again now he’s napping less. And cut the nap to 45 mins.

I would like to teach him to self settle but he’s got so upset we have always given up before, and honestly hearing that lots of ppl think now is a difficult age to be doing it makes me think it’s probably not happening in the next few months. He started sleeping through the night himself so I am just really hoping it clicks with falling asleep, but we are a long way off.

Thanks so much for sharing all the advice/experiences

I think you're doing really well! Sleeping through the night is great, hopefully you won't have the problem of getting out of bed. To be honest we also got there first so never had the issue of getting out of bed in the night with #1. #2 though - yeah. We're still working on it but it's getting better. He tends to just sit up in bed and shout until someone comes, if we aren't quick enough he comes and finds us in our room and shouts next to our faces.

I have to say I didn't realise you were up until 10-12pm. You poor thing! I think a bed will definitely help. We also use a low bed like someone else mentioned so they can get in and out themselves. I'd be starting bedtime 7pm rather than 8pm - I know in my house we don't pick up from nursery until 6 so 7 is earliest feasible - and everyone is asleep by 8 (including me some days!)

I'd also suggest, if you're not already, completely ignoring him - no eye contact, no talking, if they get out of bed, just say "lie down, sleep time" and put him back next to you. I used to play on my phone with the screen dimmed and just cuddle him until he dropped off. Or, more often than I'd like to admit, fall asleep next to him!

DS was in a low bed by then. We went from holding to him lying on me to lying beside me etc. Then alternating nights me and DH (where he'd basically be shooed out of the door after saying night night) and gradually it's got to either parent reads stories, lets DS 'read' to himself, nappy on (not night dry yet) and bed with moshi on while we check occasionally on the monitor. He usually rolls around like a child possessed for a bit then gradually calms down and goes to sleep by himself. Occasional night wakes to tuck in/ after a bad dream but then DS basically dismisses me by rolling over saying night night.... How times change

If it takes 2h you need to change something in his schedule.
My son is 2y2m and still need me or DH to fall asleep, but it takes max 30m or 45m including Story time.
I am probably a strange person, but I love spending this time with him.
I have a very busy life and having 30min to lie in the dark and think is a gift.
Also, he will soon not need me anymore, I want to enjoy every second of this phase. It only happens once.

@lovelybitofsquirrell

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. My eldest is 6 and I still lay with her until she falls asleep !

My DS is 8yo and my DH still holds his hand until he falls asleep.