2 year old- split nights

[Kcoffecakebubs]

Looking for any tips or ideas to help!

My 2 year old DS has never been a good sleeper, but for the past 3 months or so has gotten into a pattern of split nights where he is WIDE awake for 2-4 hours in the middle of the night.

He's getting around 8 hours sleep total and I'm absolutely shattered being up for hours in the middle of every night.

Some days he wakes then at 9am ish- so won't need/have a nap, and to bed at 19.30 with no fuss. But then the following day he will be awake at 7am, need a nap in the afternoon (will never be tired enough until 6 hours after be wakes), and then if he's napped anything past 2pm he won't go to bed until near 10pm!

The long night waking happens regardless of whether there has been a nap or not. We have tried to get him to self settle many times in his life but it's never worked. And we can't leave him in his room when he wakes as he won't stay in bed. He isn't talking yet either so communicating with him is difficult.

Anyone else been through this and come out the other side? Any tips? Please don't suggest any kind of cry it out etc as I can't do it and also, he doesn't cry or get upset anyway when he's awake- just loud and active. We tried gradual retreat and not being with him for 4 months not long ago with not one night of being able to get any distance away from him to try and get him to self settle.

I think he may just be the worst sleeper ever!

How does he go from awake to asleep?

I suspect that is the central issue that is causing all of the problems.

@FATEdestiny with us. We know the self settling, or lack of is a problem. But whatever we have tried doesnt work.

We do a bedtime routine of bath, book, milk. He has white noise on, pitch black room. Same every night. But then however tired he is he won't/can't lie down. We can't leave him as he just gets up, runs around. He's also really vocal and shouts. I understand this is an issue in itself, but we have tried so many things over time and he seems immune to it all. I could cope with it when it was just bedtime, but how it's the middle of the night too it's becoming more of an issue.

So are you lying down with him to get him to sleep?

Have you considered bed sharing full time? Or even just room sharing full time (you could do a sidecar (3 sided) cot attached to the side of your bed)?

Yeah, we lie with him until he falls asleep. Then leave. He has a full size single bed. We used to co-sleep in our bed, but stopped as he was then not settling with us and keeping us both awake. He's too big for a sidecar bed id say. He's just two, but he's over the 99th centiles- by a lot, for height and weight (18kg). More the size of a 3.5/4 year old. He does seem to need us to sleep, which I'm ok with, but it's the length of the night wakings getting longer has pushed me to my limits

There is a gentle route out of this. It's very slow going though, will take a long time.

So, you're lying with him to go to sleep. Look more carefully and deliberately into how you lie with him. And be consistent about it. For example:

● Full body cuddle lying down. One arm under him, one over him. Stay until asleep.
● Do this for a week or two
● Full body cuddle, but with your bottom arm at your side, otger over him. Stay until asleep.
● Do this for a week or two
● Fully lying next to him, top arm right round him to give a cuddle but then rest your hand on his chest when he's calm. Back to a cuddle if upset. Withdraw to hand on chest when calm. All the time lying with him. Stay until asleep.
● Do this for a week or two
● Lie next to him but facing upwards rather than facing him. Hand on chest. Cuddle if upset, withdraw to hand on chest when calm. Stay until asleep.
● Do this for a week or two
● Kneel on floor by the bed. Full body cuddle though, continuously until asleep.
● Do this for a week or two
● Kneelon floor. Cuddle to settle, hand on chest when calm. Back to cuddle if upset, withdraw to hand in chest when calm. Stay kneeling by bed throughout. Stay until asleep....

Continue in this way, with very small changes every couple of weeks.

Just realised I didn't relate this to your split nights...

Basically you either need to
(a) Make it easier for him to resettle with you there by room sharing and/or bed sharing full time. Or
(b) Teach him to go to sleep on his own. So that he doesn't need any help if he stirs awake in the night.

Since you don't want to / cant room share full time, you will need to teach him to go to sleep in his own.

At 2 years old the most common way to achieve this would be a process called "Back To Bed" - which basically involves repeatedly returning him back to bed and leaving, over and over again. From your start point, this will be a MASSIVE battle of wills though and so will involve masses of distress and crying until he gets it. You could expect consistent independant sleep within 3 weeks of doing this consistantly (plus a huge improvement within 3 days).

But you are also against anything that involves crying - which then led me to the Gradual Withdrawal method I explained above. But this will not solve your split nights any time soon I'm afraid. You'll need to be completely consistent with the method you use - so every bedtime, every night wake, every day time nap. I'd plan for 6-12 months to fully independant sleep, if you want to be very gradual with no crying. That should then solve your split nights.

Thank you @FATEdestiny, we'll give this a go and see how we get on. It's been going on long enough now that I don't mind it being a slow process to try and get out of it