11mo just hates sleep...please help

[Theywereonabreak]

Hello everyone,

I have a lovely 11mo DS. He's never been a great sleeper but the last few months I feel like he resists sleep both day and night. He does EVENTUALLY fall asleep but only after lots of crying- and this is what worries/upsets me. I hate that he goes to sleep every night after a long battle and lots of tears. The other thing I'm trying to work on is how he goes to sleep- I used to rock him in a chair before but last couple of months he will only sleep if I bounce him standing up. He's a big lad and I'm only petite so it is really taking its toll on my back and isn't really sustainable. I've tried feeding to sleep but as I have low milk supply and usually combi feed, he rare falls asleep at the breast. I'm at a loss as to how to put him to sleep 1. Without breaking my back and 2. Without him getting so upset.

The only nap that he goes down for fairly easily without tears is the first morning nap- his first wake window is pretty short and sometimes he will just have milk and be too tired for actual breakfast. He will then have breakfast after that first nap.

Please no judgement for forming bad habits etc. I've done what I've done in order to survive and get by and am just after some advice :) He is very strong willed and I'd say a high needs baby, and I'm fairly confident any form or variation of CIO would end badly for us all. We do have a bedtime routine in place and again, this used to work fine and he didn't resist much but that's all changed over the last few months.

He wakes up frequently in the night- sometimes once and sometimes 5 times but first wake up is usually within the first hr of falling asleep. I've tried figuring out what's bothering him but it could be a million things.

I know it's poor sleep hygiene to let him fall asleep on me and then move him to his cot, but nothing else works. If i lie him down in the cot and start patting him, he just crawls around or stands up. He isn't old enough to understand me when I tell him to lie down. I always watch him closely for sleepy cues but he resists for so long that he gets over tired and sometimes we end up skipping a nap and having a nightmare evening until he finally goes down.

Not sure what more info to give but happy to answer any questions if it means getting some useful tips!!!! Thank you from a desperately sleep deprived mummy x

Does he have a dummy established?

If i lie him down in the cot and start patting him, he just crawls around or stands up

This is the crux of the problem. It's a phase most children go through when they become mobile. So you're not alone and is also suggest your child isn't any more strong willed than the next- thus is a very universal phase to go through.

It's a behaviour issue, not a sleep issue.

And that's why it's challenging for some families to deal with. At 11 months old tgis may well be the very first unwelcome behaviour issue you have has to deal with in your child's life.

There will be loads more (primarily around the toddler years and then again at the teenage years). Solving it essentially comes down to:

• having clear expectations

(you will lie down at sleep time)

• setting firm boundaries

(not lying down at bedtime is never acceptable)

• being consistent

(Lie him back down every single time, a might be a million gazillion times but you still do it)

• Do all this with care and compassion

(Don't get angry or frustrated that he doesn't yet understand how firm your boundaries are. Just calmly carry on and he will get it eventually)

So, in a nutshell, keep lying him back down 79 begillion times. Good luck!

@FATEdestiny thanks for your advice. I tried and tried to get him to use a pacifier but he just never took to it! We gave up around 4 months and now he just uses my boobs as a pacifier which tbh I don't mind.

I will try lying him in his cot 19 bagillion times haha but I wonder if this will be too drastic a change for him? Currently we start off in the rocking chair.

What happens if you leave him in the cot when he’s cruising around? We had a very rocky road with sleep with my DS, we did manage to get to rubbing his back in the cot to sleep before he was mobile, one he started crawling and pulling to stand he would do this in the cot, but I realised that if I leave him he’ll cruise around a bit, babble at the wallpaper and eventually fall asleep on his own, this has resulted in much better night sleep because he is better at settling himself if he stirs in the night. It might not work for your DS but worth a try! Xxx

@Poppy709 he will cruise around for a while but eventually start crying for me to go to him and will not stop until I do so

If he's crying loads every time he needs to go to sleep.I'm not sure what you've got to lose by trying a bit of sleep training? He's crying anyway!

I would start a new routine. Bath, story, milk, lie down in cot, say goodnight, leave. If he cries go.back in, lie him down, shh-pat, leave. And so on. There will be some tears but he's crying anyway and at least this method will see results!

I agree with the pps. Put him down in the crib and leave the rooms, when he cries go back in lie him down, shush, pat, leave and repeat a million times. It will be rough at first but will eventually work. We had a terrible sleeper and this got him sleeping 7.30- 5.30 solidly from around 10 months.

[quote Theywereonabreak]@FATEdestiny thanks for your advice. I tried and tried to get him to use a pacifier but he just never took to it! We gave up around 4 months and now he just uses my boobs as a pacifier which tbh I don't mind.

I will try lying him in his cot 19 bagillion times haha but I wonder if this will be too drastic a change for him? Currently we start off in the rocking chair.[/quote]
In your situation, no I don't think it's too drastic a change.

You say in your op "he goes to sleep every night after a long battle and lots of tears", so your rocking chair route is achieving nothing - it's not like you could consider it gentle sleep training.

So I'd therefore just go for the cot, and deal with the crying so that at least it actually achieves something (Going from awake to asleep all in the cot).

I don't advocate leaving baby alone in this, but that's just my personal opinion and I hold no judgement if you do this. I'd stay in the room with baby (laying back down a bazillion times!) as a comfort. But defo do the whole thing in the cot.

My 9 m/o son has had ongoing issues with sleep since birth similar to your wee one, and I can totally empathise. You're doing an awesome job, its so so hard and exhausting.

I'd reccomend speaking to your Health visitor for evidence based approaches, my sons health visiting team has been amazingly supportive.

I'm not in a place just now to implement any form of sleep training so I am going to with the flow and supporting my son as best I can holding and comforting him until I am mentally well enough to do so. We still share a room, sometimes we end up co-sleeping when hes having a bad night (following the lullaby trust's guidelines with dh sleeping in the spare bed) and I'm okay with that for now.

Hang in there! X

Also, personally, I believe that some infants/children do have issues with onset of sleep and maintaining and in my sons case do not believe it is behavioural. Rather he struggles to get to sleep and stay asleep thus needs some extra support to achieve sleep.

And regarding cry it out, yes it can achieve results quicker and is great when it works for people however its worth researching on how these types of methods can affect attachment. From what I have looked into it is not for me however would never shame anyone who uses the method as we all parent differently.

Gentle sleep training methods take longer and Ive heard they can have good results if you keep at it. It is worth highlighting that the method works better for babies who soothe from the presence of their parent rather than physical touch. I'm waiting until he is 1 and can have a duvet and soft toy and will try to wean him off needing me for physical comfort at night, then use gentle sleep training methods.

If you are looking for a more gentle approach, i recommend www.thebigsleepco.co.uk they were just fantastic with us and the programme was a god send.

No shade on those who used the other methods mentioned here, just thought I'd share.