10mo sleep - this is torture

[Sunrise657]

My relationship with P was already strained prior to DS, but it broke down DS was 5mo. Which is when we hit a huge sleep hurdle. Leading me to doing this alone and NC.

Naps are inconsistent. Some will be 1-2hours, but more often than not 30 minutes. Which I feel is the root cause to the problem.

We did sleep training (controlled crying) and most night DS will fall asleep independently and quite quickly, in the cot.

But most nights DS will wake several times and be extremely difficult to resettle. Taking anything from 10minutes - 3.5hours. On the odd occasion he will sleep through (so I know it’s possible) or wake once for a short spell.

• Have tried co-sleeping but he will just try climb out the bed. Scratch, pull hair.
• Tried sleep consultants, with little success.
• CC worked, but was short lived. DS can cry up to the 2hour mark (which is my limit). Even when it does work, repeated several times a night.
• Tried giving additional feed but rejected
• white noise on/off

I’m lost, I’m depressed, I’m lonely, and I’m at my whits end. Listening to crying over and over again each night is wearing me down, on such short spells of sleep. I cry most days, I’m struggling to leave the house, as I’m exhausted. And DS naps are worse being out.

I feel so alone, family can’t help due to personal reasons, and ExP family is NC, as his F as he moved away. I feel my friends have lost empathy and have drifted away.

It’s a phase it will pass. I know that. But I also know, I’m a shadow to myself, I’m very low, my relationship has broken down, my identity is lost, I’ve got no life, I don’t do anything I enjoy anymore, I’m struggling with weight gain as I snack due to lack of time and energy to prepare meals, my home needs cleaning. My employer has also refused my request to go part time (2days), I have worked extremely hard to gain my chartership, years of studying, and now I’m loosing my career. As I can’t function or fulfil my role at a competent level.

This evening DS went to bed at 6.30 pm. Woke at 8.30pm (20mins), woke at 10.30pm and is still sobbing (screaming) his heart out. But naps today have been very short 2x30minutes which where a huge battle.

I really, really feel for you OP. I had this with two of my DCs. I was at breaking point with lack of sleep. They were 9 months, but waking to breastfeed all night - they would settle with a feed - but feeding so frequently that I didn’t even have time to get back to sleep between feeds.

We let them cry it out in the end. We had tried controlled crying, but going back into the room just made them worse every time. DD1 slept through after 3 nights. DD2 took over a week, but then slept through every night.

Crying it out worked great for us. We were absolutely desperate. The DDs were eating well during the day, no underlying health issues, etc. We could cope with listening to the crying during those nights because it was just such a relief to know we didn’t have to go to them.

If your DS can fall asleep independently - which is fantastic - then you are hopefully only a step away from sleeping through.

I really feel for you. Sending a hug.

We slept in a separate room as far away as possible while we were going through the crying it out.

It absolutely is torture. I used to keep a spreadsheet of everything I did to try and get DC to sleep, and then try and correlate this with how well/not well they had slept at night. Their personal best was waking 13x per night, usually every 20 minutes for quite a few hours.

I look back on it now as the spreadsheet of a mad woman.

You've made loads of progress. Baby being able to fall asleep independently being a huge one.

CC worked for us, but you have to leave them for 2 hours+ for it to work. Caving makes it take longer.

Do you drive/have a car? Doesn't work for everyone but mine napped best on long car journeys where there were no stops at red lights. I'd drive an hour up the motorway then turn back just so they could get one decent nap in a day.

It will pass

I am now a fully functioning professional again with well sleeping, happy DC. But at 10mo I thought we were all going to die from lack of sleep.

This is so tough for you. Being sleep deprived yourself makes everything worse. I'm going to say the opposite to others so far and ask if it would help to give more cuddles, more patting to sleep and letting him know you're there so he feels safe and secure in this cot that you will always come. There's a theory that babies cry when put down because their instinct is they're being left and noone will return. Making them cry it out doesn't resolve that but makes it worse.
There is some stuff on this written by Elizabeth Pantley. It's a parenting preference thing but given controlled crying isn't working for this particular baby (because they're all different) perhaps that might. I've been known to get in their cot and fall asleep before! I have done the gently gently approach with mine and they clicked into being consistent good sleepers around the 10, 11 and 13 m marks respectively (with the latter being up usually once at about 11m - just took longer to get to all night).

10 months is a time of huge transition too so it's notorious for sleep disruption because if crawling, cruising, teeth and separation anxiety.

I've just seen on another post that NHS offers sleep support. No idea how you access it but actually a call to the GP to say you're struggling might be a good idea - they may have some options for you?

Thank you for your replies.

@CherryMaple I feel the same, even when DS is asleep, I struggle falling asleep in that time frame, because I know in my mind I will be woke up soon. DS does have reflux and allergies, so is quite often sick when left for period of time crying. Which is why I ruled out CIO. Sounds like it worked well for you though.

@Hungry675tf I feel your pain, I analyze every day, to try see where have I gone wrong? DS is CMPA, so even start worrying I’ve given him dairy by mistake. Hope I look back at this period too. Yes I drive, but naps never seem to be longer than 30minutes in the car. I live rurally, so drive the country scenic roads often to make sure we don’t stop. Thank you for giving me hope I can have a happy DC and career, again.

@Tickly thank you. I have tried the more nurtured approach too. But DS have never been the affectionate, cuddly baby. And have spent a night on the floor, and in the cot in desperation. Yes, it’s full of development stages at this age. We’ve had 2 months of crawling, standing, rolling around in the cot now. I hope it clicks soon. My HV and PND therapist completed a referral to the NHS sleep support, but they rejected the referral due to child’s age. But will try again.

@Sunrise657 you poor thing. I really hope it gets better. I do think it's about this time that it tends to improve. Is there any way you can pay for a night nanny or similar to help you? Just so you can get rest. Really feel for you. Sleep deprivation is miserable

@Tickly I do hope so. Feel like I’ve run out of places to turn, so came to Mumsnet in hope. I’ve been looking at the childcare website, at ofsted approved babysitters. I’ve also looked at sleep trainers who visit, to help. But there isn’t anyone local to me, and others charge a lot in expenses due to distance. As I’ve now lost my income, and don’t receive any government support, we are living on savings too.

We are currently hitting the 2hour nap mark. I wish I had known it was a long nap, as I would have napped myself. This just shows me that he can settle and sleep though. So where do I go wrong?

@Sunrise657 you're not going anywhere wrong. I used to live by the mantra of "everyone fed, no one dead" in the worst times, because that was the limit i could cope with.

You WILL be able to look back on this one day and realise it got better. I promise.

You're not going wrong. You're being an amazing mummy. It will absolutely get better. Keep asking for help. Even if you can get a uni student doe a few hours during the day to watch and play with him so you can nap would that be possible? You'd be in the house so if there is someone local people use for babysitting that's got some free day time maybe just to give you a break.