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Original poster

No balance between parents

13 replies

FebruaryJuly · 29/07/2021 07:12

My husband is starting to really annoy me.

I breastfeed a lot through the night so I know I can't get a full nights sleep but we combi-feed and he won't even wake to do any formula feeds. It's always me and to try and wake him and get him to do one feels like a waste because I spend so much time waking him that I may as well feed the baby myself.

He is 2 months now and husband has done 2 night feeds and that was when I spent a good 5 minutes waking him while baby was crying.

We also have a 5 year old and again, it's me who is up with him every morning.

I have spoken to him about it this morning and all I got was "you don't use your time in the day to rest and you don't work full time at the moment so I need the sleep more".

  1. I do work full time at the moment having a 5 year old and a 2 month old to myself.
  1. It's impossible to sleep when baby sleeps as he isn't a good daytime sleeper and struggles to sleep more than 5/10 minutes at a time.
  1. I already feel guilty that I'm not giving enough time to my 5 year old and it's obvious he is starting to feel very left out so if anything, I want to be making more time for my 5 year old in the day.

It just annoys me how he thinks he needs to sleep 9pm-8/9am with no waking to be able to work. For 8/9 weeks now, I've had no more than 5 hours sleep each night.

OP posts:
Original poster
FebruaryJuly · 29/07/2021 07:26

Husband works from home too with very flexible hours

OP posts:
KateMuff · 29/07/2021 07:28

he's sleeping 12 hours a night? If he's not ill he's incredibly selfish and weird - what adult sleeps like a 6 year old?

Original poster
FebruaryJuly · 29/07/2021 07:30

He just doesn't wake up and often can't even remember me trying to wake him, even when it's because he needs to get up to work!

OP posts:
Odile13 · 29/07/2021 07:31

I agree with you. Once you’ve had children, both parents should share the burden of getting up in the night. It won’t be the same for every couple because of different jobs and commutes, but I strongly believe both parents should share the tiredness that comes from getting up in the night.

Also, it’s funny how tiredness suddenly becomes a huge issue for some men when it’s them who need to get up. When a woman is pregnant and can’t sleep properly it’s fine for her to have to go to work as normal every day while getting barely any sleep. It’s double standards.

Hohofortherobbers · 29/07/2021 07:40

Have you got a spare room you can move to once you've done the final breast feed? Leave the LO in with dh for the bottle feed. Put ear plugs in!

Original poster
FebruaryJuly · 29/07/2021 07:54

@Hohofortherobbers no we haven't unfortunately and he's even said himself, for some reason he just doesn't wake up to the baby. He used to wake up to our first sometimes even before me, he would sometimes wake up before our first baby and then the baby would wake up seconds after him! We used to joke saying their brains must be linked!

This time round 5 years later he doesn't wake at all and I would be worried that the baby would just not be seen to. There have been times that I have been up with the baby where he has been crying none stop for a good 10 minutes (colic) and husband hasn't budged or even woke up in the slightest.

To top the cake, he is currently moaning about no washing being done and not having any clean t-shirts! (He had to start work early today so has managed to get himself up at 7:30 haha!)

OP posts:
Auntycorruption · 29/07/2021 08:03

I would send him to GP for some blood tests. It's POSSIBLE there is a medical reason for sleeping 12 hours a night.

It's more likely that he's using it as a way to escape domestic work though. Does he actually go to sleep at 9pm or is he watching tv / the laying on his phone? Washing & cleaning etc could be done (by him) before he goes to bed.

DinosaurDiana · 29/07/2021 08:06

I had this.
He never did one nighttime nappy as he said I was up to BF anyway. And he never got up in the morning with them.
But saying that, my DH is a lazy arse and always has been. It’s only when I had kids that I realised that he had no intention of changing his ways to suit children.

Original poster
FebruaryJuly · 29/07/2021 08:28

@Auntycorruption it seems to totally depend on the situation! If I'm not there with him and he falls asleep alone ( like a few nights ago when I was at A and E with the baby), he falls asleep as early as 9pm, then still won't wake until 8am for work.

If it's a weekend however and he has no work, he may even sleep in until gone 10! Although may have stayed awake until 10/11pm watching TV or on his phone...

He was so good with waking and sharing things for our first 5 years ago. All I can think is that maybe as somebody has said, there is something medical as he struggles to air himself up even if he wants to or needs to be up early.

I also wonder if it is because I am breastfeeding as well as bottle feeding, he just doesn't have as much to do the baby 2 than he did with baby 1 who was only bottle fed..

OP posts:
Auntycorruption · 29/07/2021 10:11

[quote FebruaryJuly]@Auntycorruption it seems to totally depend on the situation! If I'm not there with him and he falls asleep alone ( like a few nights ago when I was at A and E with the baby), he falls asleep as early as 9pm, then still won't wake until 8am for work.

If it's a weekend however and he has no work, he may even sleep in until gone 10! Although may have stayed awake until 10/11pm watching TV or on his phone...

He was so good with waking and sharing things for our first 5 years ago. All I can think is that maybe as somebody has said, there is something medical as he struggles to air himself up even if he wants to or needs to be up early.

I also wonder if it is because I am breastfeeding as well as bottle feeding, he just doesn't have as much to do the baby 2 than he did with baby 1 who was only bottle fed.. [/quote]
He fell asleep at 9pm while you were at A&E?? That's not normal.

Auntycorruption · 29/07/2021 10:14

I highlight that it's not normal because it's worth ruling out a medical issue before piling on him for being a lazy twat. From what you've said, he works from home in a non physically demanding job yet sleeps heavily 12 hours a night. That's not normal for someone young fit & healthy. Possibly a physical or mental health condition needs addressing. Or he's a lazy twat, I don't know but it's worth finding out before you grow to hate and divorce him.

I speak as someone with a chronically ill DH who does sleep that much and it's still bloody annoying sometimes even though I 100% know it's not his fault.

AttaGirrrrl · 29/07/2021 10:19

No one ever wins the ‘who is the most tired’ argument as it’s so emotive (you do ‘win’ really though, we all know that! YANBU)

If he’s generally a reasonable person, can you try the ‘I really need your help’ angle? Accept that your nights are going to be disturbed, but reclaim your mornings. If he got up at 6am with both kids, he’d have already had a straight 8/9 hours sleep and you could get at least three hours uninterrupted before he bought you coffee at 8.55 and started work at 9…

RandomMess · 29/07/2021 10:25

It sounds as though there is something really wrong with him to sleep so much!

My advice would be he stays up late to do a formula lead whilst you go to bed early then you take over from midnight.

I did all the baby night wakes and DH did the older DC - worked for us as a was breast feeding once they stopped we shared it.

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