New Mum to 2 Month Old Struggling and Frustrated

[Respectfullydisagree]

Just posting to rant as I feel I am failing at motherhood not to mention feeling paranoid that friends and family are judging everything I do (which I know they probably aren’t).

I can’t get my baby to sleep on her own during the day, she naps on me or in sling. We have a really good routine at night but she breastfeeds to sleep (why is this viewed negatively? I honestly don’t know?) and then sleeps happily in my bed. (As safe as possible following all the guidance). I can leave her to sleep from around 8 and then join her for her first feed at 11 ish.

This is the routine that works for us and I’m happy with it. However I still feel like I’m failing as I’m not doing things ‘properly’. I don’t have a perfect baby and people expect me to do things by the book which just isn’t realistic. (I know why advice exists because of sids but I’m sorry this is how I feel)

I’m so anxious I feel nervous to leave the house in case people view me as a bad mum. These feelings are ruining my experience of being a new mum and enjoying my baby as I hear all these negative thoughts in my head all the time. I’m doing my absolute best and what I feel is right to keep my baby happy but it’s inconvenient for other people. (Stopping to feed her on a walk as she wouldn’t settle is inconvenient for me too but I need to do what keeps her happy?!)

I just don’t know how to feel better and feel like I’m the only mum on the planet that can’t do things ‘right’. Also, i feel enormous pressure that friends/ family expect me to continue with life as normal with the addition of a baby. (Which I’m failing at) Again, I don’t mind that my life isn’t what it used to be but I constantly feel that no one ‘gets’ this?

I have a 9 week old at present and she is exactly the same. I am a foster mum and have fostered many babies (and had 2 of my own), your baby sounds completely normal and you are doing nothing wrong. Have you read up on the fourth trimester?

It sounds like you’re doing a great job. Her napping on you and feeding to sleep is totally normal for such a tiny baby.
It sounds like it might be worth having a chat with your health visitor or GP regarding your feelings of anxiety.

It's the fourth trimester

Guidance is that, not rules to be fill

Watch the baby not the book

HV's are glorified agony aunts and are no more qualified than this so take EVERYTHING they say with a pinch of your own common sense and gut instinct

Your parents generation DO NOT get it

OUR generation do.... I do xxx

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all. My daughter slept on me for all naps from newborn to 6 months, we co slept, I breastfed her whenever she needed it until she was 16 months. All totally normal. You're doing everything your young baby needs, please don't ever feel like you're not. If your baby is fed, loved, cuddled, happy then you're doing so well. It's so hard when it's new but honestly, it sounds like you're doing really well. Your life won't ever go back to what it was because you have a whole new life to provide for this baby, but they soon become part of your life and you will enjoy it all again.

Are your family or friends supportive? Or are they the ones making comments and making you feel this way?

Fill should've been followed

Ask yourself this: why don't you see as many tiny babies out and about as you do pregnant women? Because they're all at home!!! Nobody has as high expectations as you do.

We all do our best. No-one is perfect. Experienced mum's learn to lower their expectations.

A proper understanding of SIDS advice is very important though. It's factual and based on sound scientific data and us given in order to reduce the deaths of babies.

It's ok for you to choose to ignore certain aspects of SIDS advice. But you should do so knowing and understanding the risk you are taking, rather than burying your head in the sand and pretending the SIDS risk doesn't exist.

What aspect of SIDS advice is bothering you?

You sound like me 3 months ago. You are not doing anything wrong at all!! There is so much pressure for babies to self soothe, sleep on their own, don't let them fall asleep on the boob etc. It stressed me out so much it was making my experience as a new mum horrific. So I stopped worrying and did what I felt was best for me and my baby. He's slept on me, he's fallen asleep on the boob countless times and all the things you're supposedly told to avoid doing we've done. Well, 5 months in and (I think he's still going through a slight regression/leap/growth spurt/whatever you want to call it) but he goes to bed and naps like clockwork, he no longer likes to fall asleep on me laying down as he likes his own space - lol. And I can put him down slightly awake and he will turn on his side, put his thumb in mouth and drift to sleep. Your LO is still so teeny tiny, so continue to do what works for you and don't consume yourself with sleep "training" or anything else that makes you question your ability as a Mum. You're doing GREAT!!

Ask yourself this: why don't you see as many tiny babies out and about as you do pregnant women? Because they're all at home!!!

THIS

I wish I sapped my neighbour when she said we were thought something was wrong as I'd not been out with the pram in the first month! I then felt immense pressure to go out and guilt for not going out I ended up pushing myself too far and entrenching the anxiety and mild depression from all the stressful situations I was forcing myself and DD to do and go back to. The cheeky CF aldis told me I had PND to my face the first time we met since the birth.... I was fecking TRAUMATISED not depressed!!! But she's ancient so she DOESN'T GET IT!

The coherent version :

I wish I slapped my neighbour when she said she thought something was wrong as I'd not been out with the pram in the first month! I then felt immense pressure to go out and guilt for not going out I ended up pushing myself too far and entrenching the anxiety and mild depression from all the stressful situations I was forcing myself and DD to do and go to. The cheeky CF also told me I had PND to my face the first time we met since the birth.... I was fecking TRAUMATISED not depressed!!! But she's ancient so she DOESN'T GET IT!

Thank you for all of the kind advice, this has really perked me up. I have now read a little about the fourth trimester, it makes more sense. I really didn’t prepare for life after pregnancy... I thought it would all just fall into place and things like anxiety or depression wouldn’t happen to me? Lol.
I really have irrational fears regarding sids... I check her every 5 mins but I worry she’ll just stop breathing randomly if I don’t check on her? I know, I know... I need to relax. I worry that she’s too hot/ too cold, her nappy is wet or dirty even though I just changed her 30 mins ago... it sounds silly I know but I honestly constantly go back and forth with every decision doubting myself and just not knowing 😂 I know I am probably not the only one but this is partly why I hate going out because I never feel fully confident that she’s okay enough... does that make sense?

I do have supportive friends and family, and my partner is great. I think it’s all in my head. If someone asks ‘oh do you only feed on one boob each feed?’ I think they are suggesting I’m doing it wrong but they are probably just interested

Any tips for leaving the house? Or just wing it and hope for the best?

It all sounds totally, totally normal including the worries etc. I've had one baby that napped on me and fed to sleep and one totally different (unicorn) baby that was happy to breastfeed every 3 hours, slept through from a few months and never fed to sleep etc. They're all different but the feeding to sleep/napping on you type is more usual imo!

In terms of getting out of the house, I'd start slow at first with a few short walks or local shop trips (with baby in a sling?). Then build up to pub garden / coffee shops etc. Go by yourself if you're worried about inconveniencing friends/family, then you can plonk down on the grass on your walk if you need to feed without worrying about your companion! I'll often walk baby down my road for about 200 m then back again in the sling, just to have a mini outing for us both.

You are doing better than me. I don't get the 8 while 11 bit and mine is 5 months old this week. I reckon you are doing marvellously. I've barely put the baby down in the last 48 hours and practically threw her at her dad when he came in from work this evening. I'm sat in my room with a brew decompressing for half an hour.

If you need to go out in the first 3-4 months with a new baby (and I really wouldn't unless you must, with the exception if a pushchair walk for your own mental health) then your best bet is to time your trip out for while baby sleeps (so either a pushchair walk or carseat ride).

This means that while baby is napping at home, get together what you need to go out. Then baby wakes, do a full feed and nappy change. Then into pushchair or car seat and go. The hope is baby then falls asleep with the movement.

This all changes changes after 4 months. Your baby is currently in the most portable phase as a newborn.

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job, and your baby is totally normal! My baby only slept on me through the day, and co slept from 4 months, he’s 10.5 months now and sleeps all night and for all his naps in his cot. I don’t regret a second I spent with him sleeping on my chest all day as a tiny baby. There’s plenty of time to go out, I would stick with the pram at the moment if that’s what you feel comfortable with. I didn’t drive my son anywhere on my own until he was over 3 months, now I’ll happily drive him across Leeds to soft play, so much will change in the next 6 months or so, be gentle with yourself and just do what feels right to you and baby. Did someone actually make you feel bad for stopping to feed a tiny baby?!

Re. sids, it is scary, and you just have to find ways to manage that anxiety for you. Personally I found a breathing monitor helpful, I lost my first baby to stillbirth so was provided with one by my health visitor. I found it helped because it beeped with every breath and I could actually sleep, I stopped using it at around 7 months. I know some people like the owlet sock that monitors heart rate etc but I knew I would obsess over any change and it would make me worse, so you just have to think carefully about what might work for you. Temperature wise, I had a room thermometer and followed the charts that tell you what to dress baby in religiously. If you feel that your anxiety is becoming overwhelming, do speak to someone. I had PTSD after I lost my daughter and CBT helped an awful lot to manage my crippling anxiety. Hopefully it will just ease as your baby gets bigger.

You’re doing an amazing job and your baby is very lucky xxx