11.5 month old, at the end of my tether now

[Birdy1991]

Firstly, my baby has always been a rubbish sleeper. I don't think she's slept for more than 3 hours in one stretch since she was born. I am exhausted, and just feel like running away sometimes.
Things got particularly bad at around 10 months, when she had a cold. She would not be put down in the evening in her cot and screamed and rolled around until taken out. Now she won't even settle for a little while in the evening unless she is asleep on the sofa next to us, meaning me and my partner are cramped in one corner.
I gave up on battling the issue and got her into bed with us for the nights, which still isn't ideal as she wriggles, kicks and rolls around and it's three of us in a double bed. We don't have a spare bed. Last night has tipped me over. I was basically almost off the bed, with my head on the bedside table because I had such little room and was being kicked and prodded so much. I have to admit this morning with the fatigue and backache I snapped at her a little bit and shouted 'why are you like this??' I feel terrible now, but it's just soul destroying to hear mums of babies the same age say their child sleeps through in their own room. I know co-sleeping works for some but it is not how I want to do things and I can't comfortably sleep without worrying I may roll on her or she may fall out of bed.

What am I doing wrong? Why have I failed in getting her to sleep in a healthy way? I really hoped by her first birthday she would be in her own room but that is impossible now. I can't bear leaving her to cry, she gets so hysterical she sounds like she will make herself sick. Does anyone have any advice? I am completely broken

It's horrible isn't it? I only coped because I was a SAHM so even if there wasn't a chance to nap, barely functioning was good enough to get through the day.

Can't advise as cosleeping was the only thing that actually worked, OH ended up on the sofa a lot.

We tried it all, white noise, strict bed time routines, sleep training . Some worked for a little bit , some never did . OH would often come home to me crying that "I broke the baby".

She was an early waker too , and also had a period of refusing to sleep until about 1 /2 am . Just running around and playing like a lunatic.

Things finally started to settle when she was around two, and she has been sleeping beautifully from around 3. But those first few years were torture.

No real advice but complete sympathy and solidarity.

You have not failed your daughter. You did all of this because you love her and because you've put her needs above yours. That makes you a great Mum doing her best x

OK - There are loads of different ways to move forward from where you are and make sleep better for you all. The first thing to do is have a think and make a firm decision on how you're going to tackle this. A scattergun approach rarely helps. You need A Plan.

There are no better options or worse options here. Just different options. Which most feels right to you? ....

Cosleep more comfortably

I kid you not, buying a super king sized bed has been one of the best things I did after having kids. And we don't cosleep (kids just pop in in the morning).

An option would be to buy a bigger bed. Don't go half measures with a king sized, go whole-hog with a super king! Then carry on cuddling and stop stressing and get better sleep.

Sidecar Cot

A half way house between cosleeping and own room. Without the expense of a new bed. Bring DDs cot into your bedroom, remove one side off it (easily done with all flat pack cots) raise the matress height to match yours and butt it up to the side of your bed.

This allows you to cuddle DD to sleep, but in her own space and it allows you to extract yourself into your own space once she is asleep. The sidecar cot can also be used as a gradual transition to independent sleep - So no assumption you'll be sharing a room for the next few years.

Independant Sleep - Slow and gradual

Accept there will be tears in doing this. But you stay with her and comfort in the cot. Stay being caring and compassionate, but with clear boundaries that she will be going to sleep in the cot.

By staying to comfort her at all times, you need to be able to stay calm and not get agitated or cross at her tears. She will cry because she wants to sleep and doesn't know how to do that in the cot. Do stay calm and caring while she learn.

It's a long process. Start off with bending into the cot all the time, cuddling, hand on chest patting, other hand close to face, your face as close to hers as possible. Keep lying her down. Just keep going.

Over time the amount of reassurance she needs will reduce at your DDs pace. So without pushing her she will gradually get used to it and it will get easier.

But this is no quick fix. She's likely to need your help to go to sleep in the cot for many, many months to come. You will need to be consistent, because it'll be confusing to her if sometimes you insist she sleeps in her cot and at other times you're too tired and just bring her into your bed instead. Be it 2h to settle her at 7pm or that call at 2am - you need to be prepared to continue the consistency every time.

Independant Sleep - Harsher but faster

There are reasonable arguments that it is easier on children (of over 12 months) to not have the prolonged distress in learning to sleep independently. So do the teaching over the space of a few days, not many months.

There are various approaches to this. It might be that you go in and comfort baby, leave for 2 minutes and then go back, and keep repeating. It might be that you stretch the time you're out of the room.

It might be that instead of leaving baby alone to cry, you stay with her to comfort, as described above. But instead of pacing the changes to reduced comfort at a pace set by the child, that you control that journey toindependang sleep. So the idea is that you do a few dats of a certain level of comfort, then a few days of less comfort, and so on.

Step One to solving this is deciding HOW you are going to solve it

Sleep train! When we hit rock bottom we got a sleep consultant in and did cry it out. Inn5 days we had a baby sleeping 12 hours in her own room and the whole family was happy and rested.

As someone that spent long periods in the dark, rocking an infant to sleep, listening to white noise for extensive periods during the day, for 14 months.. you haven't done anything wrong. I genuinely think that some infants are shocking sleepers.
I ended up sleep training, there was shouting and some crying but I was at the end of my tether. We have better nights, naps are a long work in progress. I promise you, your child will not hate you. Sometimes you need to put on your oxygen mask on first.
Good luck. In solidarity with you.

You haven't failed! You've just got a shit sleeper and that is just luck of the draw. Ours were appalling at sleep but by 2.5 we're mostly sleeping through the night, I've often wondered if the problem is more our unrealistic expectations as adults about babies sleep than the babies themselves but anyway....

I would second either the side car cot, getting a bigger bed or get a day bed with a trundle bed in her room which will eventually be her bed and sleep in it with her. You'll probably be doing this for a while so make sure the second mattress is comfortable. We got a super king bed and put it against the wall with LO sleeping between me and the wall.