How to night wean successfully

[SleepWhatsS1eep]

First time poster. I’m exhausted. DD1 is 21 months and has always been a terrible sleeper. We sleep trained at 8 months, resulting in 8 months of sleeping through the night. All knocked out by teething /illness and is reverting to hugs/feeding to sleep.
Cue to now where she still needs to be patted/breastfed back to sleep and DH and I are both exhausted. It’s starting to have a negative impact of our waking day, due to lack of sleep.
I think the night feeds are the problem. She feeds till sleepy, asks to be put in cot and patted to sleep. Sometimes this works and she then sleeps for 3-4hours - but most times, this pattern has to be repeated 5-6 times before she goes down (and then she stays asleep for 3-4 hours). This process can take up to an hour.
I’ve tried to night wean: each night reducing the amount of time she feeds by a minute. But she screams and screams and is quite hysterical. No amount of hugging or soothing works. And in the end I give in and revert to feeding her as long as she needs...And asks to be put in her cot...And the nightly routine continues. And then she’s up at 5.30 for the day. It’s utterly exhausting.
I know she can go without nightly feeds and I know she can go down for 11 hours.
I do not know what to do and very upset about it all.
Can anyone please advise what has worked for them? Or how to successfully nightwean?
Thank you

Whatever method you choose, it's likely to cause her upset and distress. It becomes a matter of deciding what you'll do and sticking with it consistently.

I would, for example, have Dad do all night wake ups and bedtime. Then baby knows no chance of breastfeed. Then do whatever she needs - patting, shushing, cuddling - but keep going without giving in and deciding sod it, ill feed her. In the end she'll realise that a feed is not an option. Then the more nights you repeat this the easier it will be for her to accept that a feed isnt an option.

Thank you @FATEdestiny

@FATEdestiny sorry to come back to you - but you’ve been so helpful on other threads...So we’ve started the night weaning and she understands it’s cows milk before bed, as my milk is “gone”. She’s more than happy - in fact gleeful - at drinking on her own.
Dad does initial night times (down in cot fine, some protesting but he sits in the chair next to her, reading) and she talks / sings to herself, then falls asleep. He does all the wakings before midnight. (Then dad isn’t great in the middle of night, so I take over).
And that’s when I have the hysteria. She won’t be soothed or cuddled or rocked with me. She won’t stay in her cot and just cries and calls “mummy milk!” and tries to climb out whist crying hysterically. It’s so hard. I’ve now taken to taking her into the spare room and sitting on the edge of the bed, saying “milk is finished. It’s cuddle or cot”. But she screams more. Then wakes herself up fully and that’s us fully awake at 3.30am (until she falls asleep again for an hour at 6am from exhaustion) but then I’m up for the day.
Please do you have any advice? Thank you x

Could your husband do the whole night, for a limited amount of time? Say a week or two.

It's much more easily done by a non-breastfeeds, for all the reasons you've found.