Is self settling really the be all and end all?

[suzi2]

DD still wakes every 45 - 90 mins and is now also going through the clingy 9 month thing and wants held all night after being cuddled/rocked/fed to sleep. She's self settled a couple of times but not for months. She's been referred to our local sleep clinic (think it's just some HVs giving me another system to try) and I have a feeling this self settling thing is going to come up. I've really tried really really hard. Is it the be all and end all? What can I do now to make it happen?

Other thought... osteopath reckons her refusing to go to sleep and wakening a lot isn't entirely behavioural as she has really tight head or something. Anyone tried their GP? have they just been laughed at? I'm desperate....

Don't know Suzi2, 45-90 minutes sounds hard though. I've read that cranial oestopathy (sp?) is really good - try your GP. They won't laugh at you. Or you could pay for a private visit.

suzi, we have similar with DS, he's just 9 mo now and I've had the waking every 60-90 mins throughout the night for around 3-4 months - you have my sympathy, it's really tough going isn't it? I've tried in the last week or so getting him to settle in his cot by himself at bedtime, but staying with him (this is the baby who would only go to sleep in my arms - don't even get me started on nap times, some days I just drive around in the car to get him to sleep when all else fails!). First night it took him 2hours (yes, two hours of me sitting with him), but the next 2 nights it was down to an hour, then it's been anything from 5m - 20m. It's definitely had a positive knock-on effect on the night wakings, - he still wakes a couple of times before I go to bed, but then he's just been waking 2ish and 5ish for a feed and mostly sleeping in his cot all night.

So, I'd say it's really helped us, I'm hoping it'll continue to work, but we'll see.

good luck if you do try...I have yet to start the moving further from the bed so he's really self settling, but he was playing in the cot last night, so I came down and left him to it and only went back up when he started crying, then he settled really quickly. - One thing, I haven't picked him up once he's in the cot and is settling himself, only if he's already been asleep and needs a cuddle, but mostly I've been able to re-settle just by patting him if he awakens in the eve.

don't know if this helps?

It is likely that DD is going through a light sleep stage and not able to get back to sleep by self. Do you let her try to resettle her self at all? Or consider patting DD back to sleep when she wakes.

I'm a maternity nurse and some of my children have done this waking after 45 minutes. My current charge was waking every 45 mins around the clock until one night I let him resettle self, it took 15 minutes and and patted him for the last 10 minutes. He's pretty consistant now at falling asleep and if he wakes will quickly go back to sleep(less then 5 mins).

choolie, nice to hear that system worked for you. I believe that's what the sleep clinic will ask us to follow. We've tried a few times but once we've gone over the 2/3 hours we have given up. She's been like this since birth pretty much so maybe she'll take longer. She wakes and upsets DS (2.4) too which is hard.

nannynz, we don't give her much opportunity to settle herself these days as when she wakes she just stands up and then gets upset because she's standing. But we've tried in the past (up to about 10 mins or so) without success. We can't even get her to lie down so patting and things don't work. She's been rolling since before 3 months so I think that she just doesn't know how to lie still long enough to fall asleep!

I guess from your responses that maybe self settling is the key to a better sleep. And after 45 min wakenings all last night and a 3 hour awake stint from midnight until 3 am maybe I should think about putting in some more effort. Just summoning up the energy... Might wait until the sleep clinic comes through.

I've always wondered this - even after both of mine were good at self settling, they would still wake up, which suggests the link isn't as clear cut as I had hooped/assumed
OTOH, I suspect that if they can't settle at bed/nap time on their own, the chances of them thinking it;s a great idea at 3am is pretty slight...
Good luck!

hi suzi, it's still early days for us, so it's one step forward, two back at the moment, as he's now poorly again (not really got better for 5wks now, one bug after another, now chicken pox!) so I'm up and down all eve settling him again and at that stage of thinking, oh shall i just give up on it all?!! I know what you mean with needing to summon up the energy, sometimes as exhausting as it is doing what you are, it's easier than trying something new that's going to take even longer. Good luck anyway, hope you find a solution. i suspect my days of looking for tips on here are not yet over.

And don't forget - if your baby doesn't sleep well it's a sign of an intelligent baby, sounds like mine might meet yours on university challenge in years to come .

What about co-sleeping? Sometimes that works because the baby feels all happy and secure. My dd slept in bed with me, she did wake a lot, and wanted bf to go back to sleep, but at least i didn't have to get out of bed to settle her. I didn't want to do cc so this was my best way of living with the stage she was going through with the least exhaustion. After she was a year, I started reducing bf as a means to settle, and tried other things like patting, or just repeatedly lying her down again and again and again, and then stopped bf at all at night after the initial feed. There was a period when it took an hour or more to get her off again, but things improved and at 14 months I put her in her own cot and she slept really well from then on. The only thing since is her liking for me to stay in the room til she's asleep.

Also, have you tried other comforts - music? Toy? Blanket?

Sorry, I'm rambling on, with no real answer here. Only that it's a stage and there are different things you can try, depending on what you're comfortable with. But I know it's difficult, and exhausting and feels like it'll be like this forever, but it honestly won't.

Thanks everyone. It makes me feel more normal to know that others have the same going on. My friends all have 'sleep through at 5 weeks' and 'nod off while playing' babies. And I keep thinking that I must have done everything wrong.

Splishsplosh, I do cosleep from my bedtime onwards as it's the only way I can get any rest. I keep being told it's a rod for my own back. But I guess in the most part it works for us - except that I'm 'needed', DH can't settle her, i sleep light and sleep awkwardly. But in the winter months it's definately preferable to getting out of my own warm bed!

I think self-settling is a really key skill to teach your baby, but if you are happy with how things are, then carry on.

It does involve some commitment and effort, but if you are not into CC the baby whisperer pickup-putdown method may be an option, particularly if she is standing. You just keep lying her down til she gives up - then you comfort her by patting etc. But 10 mins isn't long enough to expect her to self-settle. It could take 20 mins or more. And i promise you it will cut down on night wakings.

I found it very liberating to be able to say night-night and leave my baby to fall asleep on her own. But that's me.