11 month old never sleeps, please help

[JustAtaLoss]

Posting here out of shear desperation for some advice. My son is about to turn 11 months old. He has never slept well. In fact this last year has been total hell. We need something to change because our health and our marriage are both rapidly deteriorating.

Just some back story…My son was born by emergency c section (10lbs 5oz first baby!) and I had a massive haemorrhage and ended up with a very complicated recovery. Despite this he has been exclusively breastfed and continue to breastfeed now.

At 3 weeks the colic started and by 6 weeks he was screaming all day and night. We took him to see a cranial osteopath and the first session seemed to help but then they wanted us to keep coming and we gave up after 4 sessions because he seemed to be getting worse (and expensive/covid risk).

By six months we were totally spent. He would wake every hour despite bedsharing and during the day I would have to walk or drive for hours to get him to nap. We ended up doing cry it out which was horrible but actually got him regularly napping in the cot for 45mins-2hours and sleeping 6-6 with 2/3 wake ups for feeds…this lasted 2 months.

From 8 months it was a mixed bag but slowly getting worse. And now we are back to bedsharing with wake ups every 30 mins and either no naps or walking/driving naps which tbh I’m too tired for now. I’m fully aware he is stuck in another overtiredness cycle but we just can’t break it and cry it out hasn’t worked this time due to his shear stamina and separation anxiety.

I’m so exhausted that I feel sick all the time. I feel like a crap mum as I just don’t know how to help him. To make things worse he is a rainbow baby yet I’m often feeling like I wish he would disappear for a time just so I can have a break.

I just don’t know what to do to try and improve his sleep. Please only supportive comments, I feel bad enough as it is.

So much love OP birth trauma and 12 weeks of colic hell take it out of you (I speak from experience) before you even start on the dreadful sleep. No judgment whatsoever on what you’ve done so far to survive. All the following questions are asked in the gentlest of tones.

You say CIO hasn’t worked this time. What do you mean by that? Im no expert but I thought CIO was put them in their room and don’t come back until morning. Did he just cry all night? Or is it that you’ve been doing it for weeks and he’s still crying +++ before falling asleep each night?

How does he fall asleep at night and what happens when he wakes every 30 minutes? Is he effectively breastfeeding all night?

Does he have a rough morning wake up, bedtime and nap times? If so what are they?

What’s his mood and appetite like during the day? Do you have a routine for mealtimes?

X

So sorry you're going through this. Do you mean Ferber method/controlled crying? If so, everyone I know who has used it has had to do it more than once. Whenever my DS had a leap/had a cold/the seasons changed etc. We probably did Ferber about 5 times between 10m and 2y and to some extent we are even having to do something like that now at 2.5 to get him to stop whinging for an hour at bedtime (there's nothing wrong, he's just resistant to falling asleep).

So I'd suggest persisting with Ferber method again. In his own room, own cot. Being really tough with yourself about not bed sharing - I know at 2am you'd rather die than sleep train him but it is just a rod for your own back. Get your partner to do it? It's harder when you're breastfeeding.

Mine only took one nap a day at that age and sometimes was only 40 minutes. It's awful. I don't think there's much you can do about it.

Can you get some help for a few hours a week so you can sleep?

I promise it gets better. Sleep deprivation is torture, but it will end.

I hate sleep training so cant comment, although from friends who have done it (CIO, Ferber, shh pat etc) all say they have to keep doing it when baby has something going on, so you have to do it over and over.

Have you explored anything like allergies? I have an allergy baby who woke frequently when tummy was playing up. Waking every 30 minutes isn’t even cyclical, so it would make me feel like there is an underlying cause here personally.

It’s tough, so so tough. My D.C. used to wake hourly for about 8 months, so I feel you. I would definitely look into possible causes. Have you spoken to a GP or HV?

How do you currently get your baby to go to sleep?

Sleep train. Trust me it will change your life.

My dd was like this until 18 months, it changed the day we took the side off the cot. And sleep improved again when we put her in a single bed with a bed guard. Also she needed less naps / later bed time than other babies/ toddlers her age. Some babies just need less sleep than others.

How does he go to sleep?

Also; any sign of medical issues? Teething, ear infections, reflux, colds… How is his development otherwise? Any physical issues or delays?

God I could have written this. What worked for us was stopping breastfeeding. And if he's willing, get your partner to do the nights for a few days. Went from waking every 1-2 hours, to sleeping 5-6 in a week. Sleeping through sporadically after two weeks.

I can highly recommend the Blissful Baby Expert, we worked with her and after two nights my daughter was sleeping through after waking every hour. She's not that expensive and worth her weight in gold!

Big hugs mama x

I honestly think give up breastfeeding, put him in his own room and sleep train ! sleep deprivation is torture, you all need rest!

Thanks all for your replies. I realise I left out a lot of info in my op, mainly because it’s was long and I was so tired.

It’s currently 5am and I’ve been up since 2.30 because I’ve got to the point where I now can’t sleep in anticipation of him waking up.

You’re right in that I meant Ferber training previously. I’ve only ever left him max 15 mins to cry. I’d never leave him all night.

He currently has no consistent method of getting to sleep. His dad has a much higher success rate of getting him asleep in the cot. He won’t let me put him down. Some of it is that I physically can’t rock him for that long as he is a really big baby.

Developmentally he is doing well. Size wise he is bigger than a lot of 18 month olds. He’s a about to walk which I think is on his mind.

In terms of health health he’s very healthy. Shows no obvious signs of reflux. Allergies-wise he has a bit of eczema and we are vegan so no dairy/eggs/shellfish. He is exposed to soy via my breast milk and he loves peanut butter.

I’ve had zero help from health visitor apart from telling me this is normal and I can’t get hold of the GP as our surgery is awful. Fortunately I am a doctor and my paediatrician friends seem to think he is healthy.

I’ve just started listening to the No Cry Sleep Method audiobook.

Im such a bad sleeper that I think we need him in the cot rather than encourage more bedsharing. Im keen to keep breastfeeding but open to night weaning.

I’m currently trying the method in Lucy Wolfe’s ‘the baby sleep solution’ on my incredibly sleep resistant 7 month old, and we’re seeing slow but steady progress. It’s a gentle sleep training method where you never leave them to cry, but teaches them to fall asleep on their own in their cot. In 3 days my baby has gone from 8 wakes Per night to 3, so it does seem to be helping. The book outlines a clear daytime routine (adjusted for wake windows etc) for naps and meals as well, which may help your baby with his cycle of overtiredness.

In the meantime, can you have a night in a cheap hotel or something to reset? Can any family help for a night? Even one reasonable night would help you feel more prepared to approach this.

Best of luck - non-sleeping babies are so, so hard

I was the same as you OP - a complete insomniac. Just waiting for DS to wake up all night next to me in bed. It’s the worst.

Is DH also a medic? Assuming as DS is 11 months it would be too late for him to take some of your maternity leave via the SPL scheme? That would be my nuclear suggestion - when I was at my wits end DH took 3 weeks off and dealt with all sleep (naps, bedtime and overnight wakes) as, by 8 months, DS just wanted to be latched all night. DH was in one room with DS in the cot next to his bed and I was in another room with the monitor on. I expected it to be painful (DS is very strong willed) but actually it was relatively tear free. We didn’t night wean as such - just said ‘no breastfeeds before 10pm’ and then just gradually shifted the time backwards. If DH can even have a week off might be worth a shot? Ideally if he can find a strategy to settle DS in the cot that would be best as then it’s transferable and something you can do long term.

Agree with PP - a routine with predictable naps and meals is also crucial for sleep resistant babies. Takes the element of surprise out of the game. Are you getting him up at a set time early every morning and giving him meals at roughly the same time every day?

All the best to you

You don’t want to sleep train, you’re co sleeping, and still breastfeeding plus you’re lying awake waiting for him to wake up. He’s not learned to self soothe. He’s rocked to sleep. You say he had colic but you went to a cranial osteopath for this. I’m not sure why.

I think you need to speak to a good sleep consultant - but you also need to accept that if you want to improve his sleep, some of the things you are currently doing (or not doing) may need to change. What are your non negotiable?