Sleep training at 8M am I going to motherhood hell?

[NymeriaInSummer]

After months of really shitty sleep, basically since DS was 4months, I gave in last night and agreed to sleep train with timed intervals (Ferber), but it's fucking torture listening to him cry for me! We are still giving bottles at night at timed intervals too (10.30/3.30) but are slowing phasing that out.

I feel like I'm going to motherhood hell for letting my baby cry themselves to sleep! DH and I have been totally broken by the lack of sleep. He's been up every hour for weeks and we are both working full time with no set childcare just GPs doing a few hours a day to cover meetings etc so not continuous hours more ad hoc by day.

He's so active during the day, already crawling and doing a bit of crusing, it's bloody exhausting looking after him 24hrs.

Please tell me I'm not going to fuck up my amazing baby by sleep training? My parents thing it's the worst thing I could possibly do and they are making me doubt myself massively!

@ShinyGreenElephant

You won't fuck him up but it must be horribly distressing for you and for him. Theres a sleep regression around the 8m mark and while its hard if you just ride it out its likely to improve soon. Have you tried cosleeping? Not for everyone I know but it generally means more sleep for everyone

We've done co-sleeping and it worked ok when he was smaller (4/5/6months) but he's so big now that we all don't fit on the bed together and there's no where for DH to sleep if I co-slept alone plus I would not feel safe doing that. DS can climb down off the couch, he can crawl and he totally throws himself off things like chairs and the bed if you're not careful and holding him. We'd need to sleep in an adult cot to keep him safe. Which is one of the reasons co-sleeping wasn't working for us, plus he moves so much that I don't sleep when he's in bed with us.

I hope I don't feel guilty in the months/years to come.

Why would you feel guilty teaching your child to sleep? Why would you feel,guilty about building family and individual resilience?

We did the Ferber method when my daughter was 7 months old and it was tough but transformative. She’s nearly four now and isn’t showing any signs of being scarred by her horrific parents and their torturous techniques, so I think we’re okay, as will you be. Sleep is a fundamental life skill and one of the best things you can teach, so no, you won’t be going to hell.

No, you’re not going to mother hell. But I’d frankly avoid this forum as there’s way too much scaremongering over sleep training on here which only makes an already hard process feel even worse.

Thanks!! Here's holding out hope for us! @thenorthernluce

Night 2 went like this: he cried for 15 mins, with two check ins and was asleep by the time DH left the room during the 2nd check in.

I woke him up to feed twice and he woke up but didn't cry twice just grumbled a bit and rolled back to sleep, even before I wouldn't have gone in at those moments. He only cried at bedtime and then when it was morning already so we got him up at that point.

I think he's doing ok. Maybe he was ready for this after all.

op stop worrying he will not remember and will not be damaged by this.
Despite your concerns he has more to lose by having an exhausted, depressed, incoherent mum due to sleep deprivation than by cryintg for 15 . Let go of the guilt.
I had 2 DCs, 16 months apart, was overseas with no family support and a DH who travelled constantly. I decided possible years of sleep deprivation was a step too far.
Plus l had to drive daily and felt l would be a danger on the roads.
With both I did a gentle version of Gina Ford, l never left them to cry but started at 8 weeks, always put them in their own baby beds, to fall asleep, on a regular schedule. ( l used to sit on a cushion on the floor and wrap my arms around them as they fell asleep in a crib, over a couple of months l incrementally loosened my grip as they fell asleep,) until by 4.5 months for DD and 7 months for DS, l could put them down and they would fall asleep quickly without a cry with me sat in the chair.
Night feeds were quick and they went straight back to sleep after.
I would stay in the bedroom reading, but they were in their own space and l could get reasonable amounts of sleep.

It was exhausting for 6 months, crunched up on the floor over cribs each nap, but then really easy, and they have remained good sleepers since.
Stick with it !

I think the issue is OP you started back at work and your baby was only 5months. How many hours do you do?

My DS was a horrendous sleeper. I wouldn't do sleep training personally.

I guess I did a form of sleep training or tried to get into a good routine from quite young and I have 2 kids that sleep through every night and we don't regress when they're ill (yet). Before someone jumps down my throat it may have nothing to do with my parenting!

I never coslept and did a mixture of gradual retreat and put up put down in own cot and that worked for our family. There were some hard times where it may have been easier to bring them in although on holiday I brought one in and she kicked around and no one slept.

So no you won't go to hell, sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you're not happy with the situation. Good luck!

You are not going to hell. We did it with dd at around the same age out of total desperation. I was ill like you and it saved my sanity getting more sleep.. Dd is now 13 and not in any way fucked up.

You'll always get mixed responses to this on parents forums

We did it at 6 months after speaking to a friend who was a sleep consultant who said anything earlier than at 6 months was too early

We managed to do it without too much crying and by night 4 he was sleeping through other than his one wake for a bottle.

What was great about doing it then was when we hit any sort of sleep regression we just went back to that technique and he very quickly got over it and slept through again.

We've just hit the 18 month sleep regression and after two nights of going back to the method, he's sorted himself out again.

We did the moving further to the door method (not sure if that's the same as ferber) and found it less distressing for him and not much crying at all.

Good luck and you are absolutely not going to motherhood hell!!

@Ju11tne

I think the issue is OP you started back at work and your baby was only 5months. How many hours do you do?

My DS was a horrendous sleeper. I wouldn't do sleep training personally.

Thanks for that @Ju11tne , unfortunately not all of us can take 52 weeks. 5 months was all the leave I was allowed, I'm not the U.K. so it was either that or resign and I'm not resigning.

You won't go to hell. We sleep trained our DS at 12 months doing gradual retreat and he has gone from waking hourly through the night to sleeping 9 hours in his own cot. We do have a bad night every now and again but like you our son was too heavy to hold to sleep and he now settles in his cot with a back rub and shushing.