Sleep training at 8M am I going to motherhood hell?

[NymeriaInSummer]

After months of really shitty sleep, basically since DS was 4months, I gave in last night and agreed to sleep train with timed intervals (Ferber), but it's fucking torture listening to him cry for me! We are still giving bottles at night at timed intervals too (10.30/3.30) but are slowing phasing that out.

I feel like I'm going to motherhood hell for letting my baby cry themselves to sleep! DH and I have been totally broken by the lack of sleep. He's been up every hour for weeks and we are both working full time with no set childcare just GPs doing a few hours a day to cover meetings etc so not continuous hours more ad hoc by day.

He's so active during the day, already crawling and doing a bit of crusing, it's bloody exhausting looking after him 24hrs.

Please tell me I'm not going to fuck up my amazing baby by sleep training? My parents thing it's the worst thing I could possibly do and they are making me doubt myself massively!

How did he get on last night?

At 8m he may well still need the bottles in the night as he is still quite little. Are you phasing both out or just one?

I think at 8 months it must be very confusing for no one to respond to cries.

You won't fuck him up but it must be horribly distressing for you and for him. Theres a sleep regression around the 8m mark and while its hard if you just ride it out its likely to improve soon. Have you tried cosleeping? Not for everyone I know but it generally means more sleep for everyone

I'm fine with doing 2 bottles at night, but he's eating at least 2 full meals (lunch and dinner) with a smaller breakfast too. Plus 4-5 bottles of FF between 4-7oz at a time. The idea is to wean him off the night time bottles but I would happily keep doing 1 if it helps him sleep longer.

And fuck it, I know it must be confusing but I've honestly broken, been back at work since he was 5m and I'm now on anti ds for PND/A.

Shit. I am going to hell.

@Kitkatchunkyplease

How did he get on last night?

He cried for 15 mins, we did 2 checks in during that time then he slept from 6.30/7pm until 10.30 when I fed him and then another 15mins of crying then he slept 11-4am

It’s so so hard but I think at 8m he’s still quite young to cio. Also, the bottles, he likely still needs. My eldest had bottles in the night beyond a year if my memory serves me right. My baby who’s almost 7 months still wakes regularly for a feed. I’ve been back at work since he was a few months old and it is a killer so I do get it.

You're not going to hell. And it might not get better on its own, at least not soon - my 10.5 month old still sleeps atrociously.. never seems to have gotten past the 4 month regression 😭

I’d say keep going with the sleep training. It sounds like it is working
And no you are not going to hell. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. Your DC deserves functioning healthy parents. He only cried 1/2 hour total in the first night. If he is crying for hours and it goes on past 5 nights then stop but it sounds to be like you will have cracked it in 3 nights time.

Sounds like he slept some good chunks last night. You're not leaving him to cry it out so I've no idea why anyone is saying that.
On meds for pnd you've got to make some choices that work for you, and this is one of them. You're not going to hell and you're teaching him how to sleep.

I would keep going at this point having got this far, as long as it doesn't creep up to much longer than 15 mins.

Perfect age. We did nine months.
A week or less and peace. Just heaven and so much better for everyone.

Do you want honest opinions?

I understand how difficult the sleep deprivation is. DD was a terrible sleeper, and the hourly waking was a nightmare when we were both back at work. We were pretty desperate at the time. Personally, though, I would never have gone down the sleep training route. I don't think there is any hard evidence of it causing long term damage to children, but it just isn't how I wanted to parent. We ended up co-sleeping instead, and it was a much better (sort of) solution for us, but I know that isn't for everyone either.

I think it's a very personal decision. It doesn't really matter what anyone else on here thinks, or your parents for that matter. Some people will think you're doing the right thing, some will strongly disagree. Ultimately, it's a question of what you're comfortable with.

No you are not going to Mummy hell. Mine are young adult now and I did controlled crying at that age. No idea if that’s completely frowned upon now. It was awful at the time and I spent many a night crying on the steps outside their rooms, but they slept a whole lot better than many kids did overall. And they don’t seem any more messed up than the next kid

Only thing I found was that sleep training was basically an ongoing thing. It’s fine for a few weeks then they’re teething or poorly or you go on holiday or something and you’re back there again. Although I had a pair close in age so it might just be that they were taking it in turns and I’ve just forgotten in the sleep deprived fog that was the first few years.

I wouldn’t recommend it , but as parents we all do things that may not be best because otherwise we might go mad or do other things we regret. Most parts of the world think we are strange to do this . Also next time he gets ill you have to do it all again as they regress. I know some parents who feel v guilty about having done sleep training . Some don’t . I don’t know any parents who feel guilty about co sleeping . Hope you can find what’s best for all of you .

We sleep trained our first child at 8m. Absolutely zero regrets. It completely transformed our family life and allowed us to be the parents we wanted to be. It was quick, effective and we didn't actually leave him to cry alone at any point (we did gradual retreat). He's now a healthy, happy 3 year old who still sleeps very well. DS2 is so far a naturally better sleeper but I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing at the same age if sleep becomes an issue in the same way again for us all.

You all need some decent sleep. Sometimes parenting involves making tough decisions and doing what your DC need even if it is unpleasant in the short term. A healthy loved baby is not going to come to any harm crying for a few minutes at a time, and you will all benefit from better sleep. Hang in there!

Not read the thread but we did Ferber (not cio) at 8 months and it worked a treat. Took a few nights and then it was moaning on and off until he just started to love going into the cot, asking me to take him to bed etc then waving me out. It's so worth it, you will both be happier with decent sleep. You may find he drops one of the feeds himself

I think you need to do what's best for you. Honestly though, I don't think it's good for a baby to be left and totally helpless. I remember being exhausted, so hired a sleep consultant when DC1 was 8 months old. She wrote a plan, then I tried the sleep training for about 30 mins once!! I cried more than the baby and it was traumatic for both of us!!

After that, I woke up every time my babies needed me (every 2-3 hours with DC1 until 15 months, then he slept through 12 hours of his own accord...however, DC2 woke up every 3 hours for 2.5 years!!! Apparently I did the same to my parents. That's the reason we don't have a DC3...can't imagine doing it again!! It was challenging, but I figured they needed a drink or reassurance or just a cuddle and I'm proud of myself, so wouldn't change it.

Join the Facebook group “respectful sleep learning”. Sleep training my lot was the best decision we ever made.

I did quite a lot of research first and there's no evidence that it causes any harm (lots of purple claim it does but if you check their references they never prove what they say they do) OR that it impacts on sleep patterns beyond toddlerhood. So the people who say it damages them are talking nonsense but so are those who say you must do it or they'll never sleep. It's entirely about what's best for you all in the short to medium term, and only you can decide that.

You won't go to hell.

I spent around the first 8 months of DS's life breastfeeding on demand, baby wearing, baby lead weaning, co-sleeping - whatever attachment-parenting recommendation there was going, I was doing it.

I was also out of mind thought sleep deprivation and utterly, desperately miserable.

I broke and sleep trained him and it was The. Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did. He went from waking every hour to sleeping through within three nights, and the sun came out on my world again. It was transformative.

He is now 13, the most affectionate teenager I know, and I can confidently say entirely undamaged from a couple of hours crying 12 and a half years ago.

Also, I was given a diagnosis of PND and given ADs when DS was around 3/4 months old but to this day I think I was just at breaking point with tiredness. Once he started sleeping though my mood immediately improved and I was back to my old self within a month or two.

@cheeseismydownfall that's been my life for 8 months. Everything on demand. Thank you. We've tried everything, co-sleeping, crib only, feed to sleep, rocked to sleep but honestly what broke us is that he weighs 9kg and no one can manage rocking him anymore. I have to sit and do it but he would cry in my arms and nothing I did unless I walked around made any difference.

Soon I wouldn't be able to rock him or hold him to sleep and I didn't know what to do. I feel awful when he cries but when it's all over and he's asleep I feel so thankful that he's asleep. Then I feel awful again. I hope I'm doing the right thing and he never hates me for this